North Harbour Ulysses Newsletter.
Edition 14
August 2015

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Edition 14
North Harbour Ulysses have had another great event in the BBQ held in July.  We had some great raffle prizes, kindly donated by members and our sponsors.  The sponsors support us, so please support them.  

Christmas Dine and Dance will be held at the Cossie Club this year so mark 19th December on your calendar.  
Music by North Harbour Rockers, Menu & tickets available from October.

I always welcome your contributions for the newsletter.  It takes some of the chore out of compiling this newsletter for you.

Please don't forget to add the editor email address to your contacts so your newsletter does not end up in spam.

Jeni Van Driel
Many of you know Peter (Stoney) Stone, Stoney has been in Middlemore Hospital and will be transferred to Hospice Care, unfortunately as I write this I am not sure where they are taking him.  Stoney enjoys visitors so call Peter Webb, 027 480 7317 or myself, 027 289 1018 or look on our Facebook page for the address.
We had a good turnout for our Mid-Winter BBQ, once again thank you to all Branch members who made this event a success. A special thanks to Barry & Linley Deane for bringing their unique vintage bikes and that lovely Classic Norton 650SS for us to perv on, also to Grant Woolford from Cyclespot for bringing the beautiful Honda Rune, a bike many people have never seen, I wish it was mine.  The $50.00 Techmoto vouchers were won by Neville Dodds & Dale Painter, many thanks to Phil & Gail Scott for their generous sponsorship.
At the Cossie Club AGM, I was elected to their committee as a Cossie Club member and also as a representative of our branch, if you have anything you want brought up at the Cossie or Branch committee meetings please send me an email with your request/idea/problem.
Members should consider joining the Cossie Club, it is not expensive and you can use your membership in any Chartered Club in New Zealand when you are travelling.  You can also use the club rooms for private functions at a very low cost. Get a membership form from the bar.
A few of us took part in the Cossie Club vs our Branch games afternoon, it  was a fun way to spend a wet Sunday arvo with a BBQ afterwards. Team Ulysses 2, Neville & Ann Dodds and Wayne Larsen & Jeanette Wilcox were 1st equal and collected 2nd prize after a playoff, Wayne & Jeanette had to leave early so Rini & Jeni filled in for the playoff.
Saturday 15th & Sunday 16th  August our branch along with the Auckland Branch will have a stand at the Classic Bike Show being held at the ASB Showgrounds, come along and support us, maybe spend some time on the stand while we go for a cuppa.
Dates to Remember
August 7th, 8th, 9th is Remembrance Weekend in Taupo, this is our way of paying our respects to members who have passed on. There is a service on Saturday afternoon at the Convention Centre then the Taupo Branch put on a social at the Taupo Cossie Club in the evening. Make your own accommodation booking, check the newsletter/NatMag for Friday and Saturday rides to Taupo.  I will be taking a ride on Friday.
August Friday 14th is our turn to do the raffles at the Cossie Club, come along for a couple of hours between 4.30 & 6.30 and help out. These raffles are how we are going to fund the free drinks at our Christmas Dinner & Dance.
13th September, Blue Ribbon Prostate Ride leaving from Placemakers, Pakuranga finishing at Placemakers, Albany. We haven’t been told the start time yet but probably 10.30am. more details next newsletter.
27th September, The Ronald McDonald Run, please keep this date free we need your support on this our first Branch fundraising ride, let’s make it a memorable day for the children & their parents. Check out our website or Facebook page for early registrations and ways to donate to this cause.
3rd & 4th October, Omapere weekend away, make your own bookings.
Details in the newsletter.
9th, 10th 11th  October. Far North Rally, Marsden Point. Another great weekend, Details in NatMag.
October 31st, Nov 1st. Coromandel weekend away, call Nigel Scott for accommodation bookings, 021 244 7724.
19th December (Saturday), Xmas breakup Dinner & Dance. Music by North Harbour Rockers, tickets available September Clubnight.  Get in quick everyone will get a complimentary 1st drink.
The Runs Committee still need more Ride Leaders, this is not an onerous job if we get enough people prepared to take a ride, if you would like to help but you are unsure of what is required or the level of responsibility call Rini van Driel on 027 279 0864 or 09 415 6814 and have a chat,  it is easier than you think.

Your committee recommends this course,
5 subsidised spots available for North Harbour members. Subsidised by NatCom and the Branch cost to you is only $45.00.

Motorcycle Accident Scene Training
Correct management of a motorcycle accident victim or accident scene
  • Minimise secondary injuries
  • Reduce the risk of others being injured
  • Save lives
Sat 29 August 8hr course, Venue to be advised closer to course date, possibly the Cossie Club.
North Harbour Ulysses members subsidised cost $45
(Normally $145) Limited spaces - 5 only, so book online now!
(Put your Ulysses membership no in the comments field when booking)
Freecall: 0508 PRORIDER (0508 776 743)

That’s it from me, Stay Safe.
Do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many.
Wayne Painter #1756, North Harbour Coordinator.
Ronnie Run September 27th
We have also set-up the Run on eventbrite to encourage earlybird registrations which will go into a special prize draw.
Ronnie Run Update

TradeMe Auction for Puka Park Resort raised $420 towards the Ronnie Run supporting Ronald McDonald House Auckland. Thank you Niki and Paul Morrison for generously donating the prize for the auction.

We have raised $815 so far to add to the total raised by the run itself on 27th September.

Posters are now out.  We have A3 (large poster size), A4 (standard page size) and A5 (small leave-behinds) which we need distributed around the Auclkland area.  Marketing is critical and it would be awesome to get as much help as possible to spread the word.  Posters in shop windows or counters.  Placement in cafes and bars, car and motorcycle dealerships, businesses, etc.  
Please contact me if you need more - email or 021-799-637.  You can collect anytime during the week at my office in Albany - Henry Schein, 23 William Pickering Drive, Albany.
Please register NOW.  It is really easy - go to 
This run NEEDS your support.  Thank you in advance.

Vaughan Nankivell
We have set-up a fund-raising page through Give-A-Little where you can make a donation online and 100% of the funds goes to Ronald McDonald House Auckland.  You get a tax deductible receipt.  If everyone gave up the cost of a coffee once a month ($5) - that would raise over $12,000 per year from Ulysses North Harbour for RMHA.
Let’s get behind it and set the benchmark as far as what this branch of the Ulysses Club can do for our community.
Givealittle Donations Update   
We have raised $815 so far for Ronald McDonald House.  This is a simple and easy way to support the House monthly - every $5, $10, $20 or more goes a long way. Remember that 100% of your donation goes through to the House and anything above $5 is tax deductible.  You will get an emailed receipt within a few minutes of making your donation.  So whether you want to support it with a one-off donation or a regular amount - we appreciate your support.                                                                                                  

If you are looking for a local venue hire, catering for 20 to 200 people then check out the North Shore Cosmopolitan Club.  They have a huge dance floor, well stocked bar, outdoor area & very friendly staff.  If you are a member then venue hire is free.
Also available are private areas suitable for business meetings, staff training/demonstrations etc.  Check out for upcoming events and contact information.
North Harbour Ulysses Branch Shirts and Ulysses Gear
Black & Maroon Dri Gear Branch Shirts 
with North Harbour Branch Logo, now available.
Dale has a large selection of Ulysses gear for sale, from buckles to t-shirts.
See Dale on Club night.
Please support North Harbour Branch sponsors.
Cyclespot Group, Major North Harbour Branch Sponsor
Grant donates vouchers monthly for Social Evenings and
 advertises in the monthly newsletter.  
Pop into Cyclespot and check out the range of bikes & accessories.
Hyosung Motorcycles are located at 73 Barrys Point Rd, Takapuna. We are New Zealand’s biggest Hyosung dealership and also New Zealand’s distributors for these excellent Korean made bikes carrying a full range of demonstrators from 50cc scooters to the four 650cc LAMS models. Our spare parts inventory incorporates 25,000 items and we regularly achieve a 98% supply rate. Our extremely talented technician has all the factory diagnostic equipment on hand and even better he really knows how to use it!
Savings up to $1000 on new Hyosung's. Demonstrators in store, MTF finance available T.A.P and discounted insurance through Protecta or Vero.
Email: Click to email Sales or Click here to email Workshop.
Still a few bargains to be had.
Business Hours
Mon 8:30am – 5:30pm      Tue 8:30am – 5:30pm 
Wed 8:30am – 5:30pm      Thu 8:30am – 5:30pm 
Fri 8:30am – 5:30pm          Sat 9:00am – 4.00pm
Sun Closed
Techmoto: Sponsor of Monthly Meat Raffles 
Discounts for Ulysses and SuperGold card holders, located in the iconic former industrial area now converted to shops and plenty of bars, cafes and above all, good coffee!
Phil and Gail Scott's Techmoto store caters for road and adventure riders with high quality helmets and apparel from Arai, Nolan and Spidi.  There is a huge range of Givi and Ventura luggage, plus motorcycle-specific tools as well as spares and accessories. 
Open weekdays 9.30-5.30 and 9.00-4.00 on Saturday Phone 
09 4461610
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
If it is your birthday this month, don't forget to take a bottle of wine for the raffles on club night.
If you have any unwanted gifts, donate them for the raffle prizes.
Subscriber Details
At the bottom of this newsletter is a link so you can update your subscriber details.  There is also a button if you really want to cancel your subscription.
Wine Bottle Caps
Save your bottle tops from your wine bottles and bring along to each monthly meeting. These get passed onto Lions Club who collect as a fundraiser for Child Dialysis.  Get your local restaurant on board and have them keep the bottle tops for you.  
Crash Statistics 2014
This is well worth reading
Reduce the disproportionately high toll charge for motorbikes on NZ toll roads.

New Zealand currently has two toll roads; Takitimu Drive Toll Road (formerly called Route K) in Tauranga, which opened in 2003 and the Northern Gateway Tool Road bypassing Orewa, which opened in 2009.
For the 12 years since it opened motorcycles using the Takitimu Drive Toll Road have always been free of charge along with mopeds and trailers, but the Northern Gateway Tool Road charges the same fare as cars.
The Northern Gateway Motorcycle toll fare policy is about to be introduced to both Tauranga's Takitimu Drive Toll Road ($1.80) and to the about to be open in August; Tauranga Eastern Link Toll Road (State Highway 2) bypassing Te Puke ($2.00) when NZTA takes over ownership of these roads.  This toll fare for motorcycles will be the same as the fare for cars and also light commercial vehicles.
The introduction of tolls for motorcycles is disproportionate in every measure; 
1: passenger carrying capacity, 
2: tare weight of the vehicles,
3: damage caused to the road surface. 
We are not against paying our fair share for usage and like other motorists want to benefit from the time savings these toll roads offer, but these tolls for motorcycles are disproportionately high and present an unwarranted expense to motorcyclists.
We insist that this unjust toll be amended before it is implemented in August.
If you agree with the above perspective can you please forward this email with the below website link to the petition and ask for your members to sign it to reduce this draconian toll.
I suggest a mass protest ride on the opening day of the TEL be scheduled once the day is announced if a amendment hasn't been achieved in the interim. I'll keep you posted.

Drew Copestake
027 520 2547
Reviews and Photo Gallery 
Harley on Display, Courtesy Hyosung
July Club Night.
Eric Tjauw from Trackit displayed GPS tracking devices for Motorcycles at July Meeting.  For more information cantact Eric on 09 5224300 or check out
North Harbour Ulysses BBQ.
Bikes on display -
Beautiful Classics from Barry and Linley Deane.  See their interview below.  Norton, BSA and a Rudge.
Kawasaki Rune from Cyclespot.
Dennis Linton Showing the hydraulics installed on his Aprilla.
Excellent Entertainment by Jak Stone.
Such a great day, I think we will do it again next year.
An Interview with Barry and Linley Deane.
What is your favourite Biker movie?
World’s Fastest Indian – as Burt put it so nicely: You live more in five minutes on a bike like this going flat out than some people live in a lifetime.  We like to think there is a bit of Burt in all of us.
What do you remember about your first ride?
A friend’s father had a garage of BSA Bantams and he would allow us to cobble together some death traps and we would take them up the back of where we lived and ride it around the clay.  I think we were around 12 years old.
How did you become interested in motorcycles?
When I was two I had a wooden trike, then I progressed to building and riding trolleys with pram wheels, then to push bikes and of course the natural progression was to move to motorbikes.  They were really cheap and fun to ride.
Where is your favourite place to ride regularly?
Linley and I like to jump on a bike after a tough, hard day at work and zip out to Muriwai on the back roads.  It’s a wonderful ride and sitting on the bank at Maori Bay at Muriwai is so peaceful and there is always something going on.
Could you tell us about the motorcycle you currently ride?
My modern is a Kawasaki 900cc Vulcan.  Real easy to ride, comfortable.  The bike has a special meaning to us as it belonged to a good friend Olly Nyberg.  Every time we go out for a ride I feel like he’s coming along with us.  I get a great deal of satisfaction knowing that.  I also have a couple of old British bikes in the garage that we take out occasionally.  Linley rides a Suzuki 600cc Bandit and has only been riding since 2002. 
What was your first bike?
My very first bike was a 250cc Honda Elsinore, 2 stroke, trail bike.  It took me two years to pay it off from a friend’s brother before I could take it.  I had just turned 15 and after paying the last payment, took off up the concrete driveway, didn’t know how to stop it and ended up in the gas station forecourt straight across the main road.  A few years ago I managed to get an exact copy of this bike which I currently take out to play in the Muriwai sand dunes.  Sadly, I still ride it the same as I used to!
What does motorcycling mean to you?
Everything.  There is no greater feeling than when you stick your helmet on, jump on your bike, go for a ride, all the aches, pains and worries seem to melt away and you can’t help feeling like you are 16 again.
And where to next?
Continue building bikes, fixing bikes, riding bikes, and racing bikes as long as I am able to.  We feel we don’t do nearly enough riding and socialising as we used to do.  It seems the more bikes you have the less you seem to ride them.  We hope that this may change soon as we really enjoy any of the rides and events we go on.
The racing side of motorbikes probably takes up more time than they need to as there is always something to do on them.  Linley and I have just finished building the 1940 BSA 350cc as a race bike, it was pretty much a ground up build.  We do most of the work ourselves, but the tricky engineering stuff we get done by others.  Prior to this I raced a 1954 BSA B31 350cc – I raced this bike for many years.  The best position on this bike I attained was a couple of seconds and a fourth.  Last year we campaigned the 1930 500cc Rudge Ulster and I ended up second in the championship round.  Of course it goes without saying that I feel so lucky to have Linley’s support and she often helps in assembling the bikes because quite often I end up tightening me nuts up in the wrong place and she’s there to put me right.  There is always a bike being built, restored or fettled with in the garage, whether it’s ours or someone else’s.  I get a great deal of pleasure working on the old stuff.  The bikes we have brought back to life and restored have been a couple of Matchless’s, couple of BSA Gold Stars, a 1933 BSA Blue Star, couple of BSA 350cc race bikes and a 1929 BSA 500cc S29.  We are so lucky to be able to go racing in this country the way we do.  All you need is a bike licence, you can get a competition licence on line, buy a basic bike for a moderate amount of money and be racing in a couple of weeks. 
Peter Webb
Raffle Prizes and Tattle-Tales Wanted
 “Sheriff wants unwanted gifts and wine for birthdays and worthy events in your LIVES “
And please email ‘SHERIFF, I HAVE A TALE’ to Pete. 
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Giggles & Groans from the Grandson
Why did the chicken cross the playground?  
  -To get to the other slide.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who?
What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Brent donates vouchers monthly for the Social evenings.  Pop in to Spectrum and chat to Grant for bike services, bike sales and accessories. 
Become part of the Pro Rider Community
Visit your local motorcycle/scooter shop and ask about a Ride Forever voucher from Pro Rider, get one for a friend. Book via the Pro Rider website and have your say on our Facebook page!
The Pro Rider Riders Club is coming soon. Keep an eye on Facebook!
Check out ProRider Website for all available courses.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

Need that badge sewn on, then call in on Merine.
Phone 021 708677
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! 
Rini is still looking for members to join the fun team of the Run's Committee.  The crew have diminished due to members moving out of town and with John taking an extensive overseas holidays, help is needed.

If you cannot commit fully but you would like to take a ride then don't hesitate to speak to someone on the committee.  Any suggestions for destinations is always welcome.  Phone: Rini 027 2790864
Click Here for Printer Friendly Runs List
Ulysses North Harbour
Runs and Event Calendar
Runs Coordinator
Rider in Charge (RIC) would appreciate all participants of rides to be at the departure point 10 minutes early with a full tank of gas.  If the weather looks suspect then please phone the RIC to see if the ride is postponed or cancelled. 

The Rider in Charge will be organizing the day.  Contact them for details.  All riders participating in a Ulysses Ride are expected to hold a current motorcycle license, wear suitable clothing and to have a registered and warranted road-worthy bike.

The organizers and/or the Ulysses Club are not responsible for participants safety and all participants participate at their own risk.

All participants are aware that they are traveling on open public roads and are responsible for their own safety and compliance with all Rules and Laws.

Please check your runs list as some rides or destinations may have changed from initial calendar entry.
Club Night Meeting and Social Evening
Held at North Shore Cosmopolitan Club,  
65 Paul Mathews Drive, Albany
1st Thursday of the Month.
Meals available from 5.30pm and meeting starts at 7.30pm
Every 3rd Wednesday of the month 2014 (6 pm onwards), Bar & kitchen open at 5.30 pm.

Sawmill Cafe, Leigh
Departs Dairy Flat Service Centre at 10.00am
RIC: Peter Zaloum
Mobile:  021 1807840
Home: 09 4190725
August 6th. It's the 1st Thursday of the month so don't forget it's the North Harbour Ulysses general meeting night at the North Shore Cosmopolitan Club.  Meals available from 5.30pm.  Reservations Here
7, 8 and 9th

Remembrance Run,
hosted by Auckland Ulysses

The service will held at the Great Lakes Centre, Story Place, Taupo 
Departs Papakura Service Centre at 12.00 midday on Friday. 
RIC: Wayne Painter
Mobile:  021 2891018
August 15th to 16th.  Classic & Custom Bike Show 
ASB Showgrounds.  See brochure above for more details.
August 19th.  It's the 3rd Wednesday of the month so it's North Shore dinner night at Mad Dogs and Englishman, Link Drive.  Reservations Here.

Classics Museum

Departs  Papakura Service Station at 10.00am
Lunch at the cafe and then enjoy the fine display of classic cars and vintage collectables

RIC: Rini Van Driel
Mobile: 027 2790864
Home: 09 415 6814
August 30th Sunday

Pahi Beach 

Departs  Dairy Flat Service Station at 10.00am
Lunch at the cafe and enjoy the views.

RIC: David McAnulty
Mobile: 021 1844100
Home: 09 8109798
September 3rd. It's the 1st Thursday of the month so don't forget it's the North Harbour Ulysses general meeting night at the North Shore Cosmopolitan Club.  Meals available from 5.30pm.  Reservations Here 
September 6th
Pizza Barn Waipu

Departs Dairy Flat Service Centre at 10.00am

RIC: Paul Morrison

Mobile:  021 909350
Home: 09 4203247 

September 13th 
Every year hundreds of Bikers join together and ride to support Prostate Cancer, it’s guaranteed to be packed with laughter and fun. If you’re a bike enthusiast then this event is for you. 
More details to be advised later.
September 16th.  It's the 3rd Wednesday of the month so it's North Shore dinner night at Mad Dogs and Englishman, Link Drive.  Reservations Here.

Horse & Jockey Matamata

Departs  Papakura Service Station at 10.00am

RIC: Rini Van Driel
Mobile: 027 2790864
Home: 09 415 6814
Ronnie Run
Supporting Ronald McDonald House

Night at the Copthorne Omapere

Book at Copthorne Hokianga for a  Social Night away.
Ulysses Club North Harbour Branch Saturday 3 October 2015

Note from Marina 
This is great you are all making your way through the Hokianga again.   We would love to share our paradise with you all for the night of Saturday 3rd October 2015.
Feel like a break away? Marina the Events Manager from Copthorne Hokianga (Omapere) has a deal just for YOU!  

Feels like Fiji with no passport required....
The rate we are happy to offer is:   $159.00  and this includes a full cooked breakfast.   The rate is for single/twin or double occupancy,  if additional guests are in rooms their rate is $50.00 which includes their brekky as well. 

I have a mix of rooms being held so everyone just needs to phone through to our reception/ reservations team say they are with the Ulysses group and they can choose a room being held in the block, first in best room with a view of the harbour.  
PH:  09 4058737
Midweek Wednesday Rides
Are you free to ride Midweek?
Why not join fellow Ulyssians on Wednesday's
Departs NS Cossie Club at 11.00am
Destination decided on the day.
These rides are proving very popular.
Highlight your calendar with these upcoming rides or events.

Omapere Overnighter
3rd October

Coromandel Overnighter
31st October
Details to be confirmed.
Phone RIC: Nigel Scott 021 2447724
to make bookings at a great motel.
A discount of 10% off the best available fare applies for travel dates
18 January through to 19 December 2016
Booking conditions and instructions for members are:
Each reservation must be made direct with Interislander online at
Also check out our Premium Plus onboard lounge upgrades for total comfort at for 18yrs plus 
Simply insert the Promo code “XULY1”on the “Payment details” page then click on “enter” and this will apply the discount.
Membership card is required at the terminal on check in.  No membership card and retail fares will be charged.
Space is subject to availability at the time of the booking request.
The normal conditions of the above fare type apply - e.g. Easy Change is 100% refundable if cancelled.
Bookings made through our call centre are at regular rates.
2016 Isle of Man TT 

Dear Ulysses Members
Thankfully we now have a tour to offer your members or any interested parties.
Added to this package are flights from Auckland or Christchurch to Manchester.
The suggestion is to arrive in Manchester the night before the tour departs and assemble together then travel to the Isle of Man.
At the end of the tour participants can continue on with their own arrangements before flying home.
We would arrange flights for everyone to join this fantastic tour.
I am sure there will be a lot of interest in this tour and look forward to staying in touch.
 Kindest Regards                                                Click image
                                                                                 for details
                                                                 and here for Itinerary

Karen Bradshaw ANZITWorld Travellers / Consultant
DDI: + 64 (03) 961 6867Mobile:+64 (0) 274 393 338
Hours – 9am – 5pm Monday to Friday
World Travellers is New Zealand’s fastest growing Kiwi owned travel cooperative. With highly experienced travel advisors and exclusive global alliances with the best operators, World Travellers offers the widest range of great valuequality travel options backed up by real people in real stores. Read our travel stories to enjoy the travel experiences of real world travellers and check out our latest holiday deals. For ownership and supplier trade information, visit thetrade section.
World Travellers - Christchurch City                 
First Floor, 538 Wairakei Road,
Harewood, Christchurch 8053
(Next to the Fire Station)
New Zealand
P O Box 39095, Harewood, 8545
Tel: +64 (03) 961 6862
Toll Free: 0800272720, Fax: + 64 (03) 961 6861
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open.".
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”

A young Remuera lady was so depressed she decided to end her life by jumping into the Waitemata Harbour. Just as she was to throw herself off Queen's Wharf a handsome young man stopped her saying "You have so much to live for, I am a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow so come with me and I will stow you away on my ship". The young lady thought, I have nothing to lose and she would like to go to Italy so she accepted. That night the sailor sneaked her on board his ship and hid her in a comfortable cabin below deck. Each night he would bring her food and wine and stay the night with her. After a week or so the Captain was doing his inspection and he found the young lady and asked "What are you doing here". The lady said "I have an arrangement with a member of your crew who brings me food and wine and I am getting a free trip to Italy". "I see" the captain said. The lady's conscience got the better of her and she said "Plus he's screwing me". The Captain said " He sure is because this is the Devonport Ferry".

Greek Bailout Explained
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory,   pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that is how the bailout package works!

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. 
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.  
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.  
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away?"
We can't drive."
Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed
So we're just waiting.
From the Friends of Irony

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

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