We motorcyclists are (mostly) mad
Supplied by Marty Beets

Paul Charman on his Suzuki GW 250 in 2016. Photo / Supplied
For some of us, "the motorbike appeal" weighs heavily.
In my case it's been a lifelong obsession, and I feel I'm about to be joined by throngs of fellow travellers.
But they should know what they're getting into.
Bikes on the roads are going to increase as more homes shift out to city margins and thus further from places of employment.
For example, many Aucklanders have been left scratching their heads over how best to commute in from city fringes north and south.
You live way out where the rents and house prices are cheaper, but work in one of the big commercial hubs; you're fed-up with sharing bus or train seats with all those coughing, "phone-starring-zombies", and so - if you were born with what some of us call "the motorcycle gene" - the solution will seem simple: just buy a bike to commute to work . . .
On paper it all adds-up.
By lane-splitting (riding inbetween lines of stationary or slow-moving cars) you'll cut commuting time by up to half.
You can legally ride the bus lanes and parking is generally free.
Running costs and maintenance look good on paper too, so you could save hundreds of dollars-a-month by motorcycling.
But motorcycles are like "wine glittering in the cup".
At the last, they can leave you with a headache.
In fact, without wishing to sound overly dramatic, why not save yourself before it is too late.
Think before signing that hire purchase deal drawn with "Rob" down at the motorcycle shop.
(In a throwback to when names like "Smith" and "Miller" described occupations - bike shop salesmen seem to be loveable rogues named "Rob". But what Rob won't tell you as he waves you off on your new bike, is that - even if you survive with 10 fingers and 10 toes intact - riding will change you).
It's not just that, on average, the risk of being killed or injured in road crashes is 22 times higher for motorcyclists than for car drivers over same distance travelled.
No, it's more than that - think mental health.
Outwardly, motorcyclists stand out as a wee bit eccentric, of course, but that's not what I mean.
We tend to have bad helmet-compressed hairdos, possibly bloodshot eyes and (in winter at least) wet shoes.
Unless it's an automatic, the top of the left shoe will be stained black from contact with a rubberised gear-change lever.
(Note: Check the left shoes of anyone who wants to take your daughter out. If "the black stain" is discovered, take appropriate action).
We bike commuters walk round in ridiculous high-vis vests and hog coat-hanging areas with our dripping wet-weather gear.
Once arrived at work, greetings and instructions are repeated twice, or even three times, due to ringing ears (tinnitus) from exhaust note and general road noise.
But in any case, don't expect much out of bikers newly arrived at work stations. They'll be dazed, reviewing their most recent near-misses with cars and pedestrians.
All the above should diminish the perceived gains of bike commuting, but there are deeper issues.
What of the psychic changes - unseen, internalised long-term effects evident among bike commuters, like:

Mood swings
Rider self-esteem can rise and fall like a perpetual sine wave - even during a single commute. There's the thrill of firing up a machine in the driveway, or fair weather riding by the sea etc, followed by extreme dejection following those near misses with cars, or heedless pedestrians.

Self-harm
Bikers constantly choose "the path of pain", especially in winter. I mean everything from man-handling motorcycles (they can be quite heavy) in and out of tight parking spots; sitting stopped at a red light in pouring rain, with water running down the inside of your wet-weather-suit collar, and pooling at the crutch; freezing your hands off during hours on the motorway; getting virtually "elbowed" into the weeds by passing cars, and so forth. Remember, all this bad stuff is needless; riders could end the pain by taking the bus, but they/we don't.

Grand delusions
Bikers are just so mobile. Some zoom inbetween cars on the crowded motorways, ducking and diving between the lanes. There's the fast take-off, the panic stop, the big-engined "roar", needless heeling-over when cornering. Many ride with bare legs, or open-toed footwear. ACC offers us low-cost motorcycle safety courses but there are relatively few takers. And all the while, as regards road safety, the belief seems to be, "it could never happen to me".

Aggression
Even after pushing our luck, we bikers seem convinced we're in the right, showing bad road manners or even signalling other road users with raised fingers, or fists. Encased in body armour and hard hats, we can act like avenging road warriors, apparently also trapped inside a belief system to the effect that the whole motoring world is against us.

Hearing things
An unusual psychosis this one. As most motorcycles don't have on-board hi fi, they (we) really can end up re-playing songs in our memories, so to speak. For me on wet days it's "Let's Ride the Rain", a tune by 60s Kiwi Band the Quincey Conserve; while scorching along the motorway, "Catch Us if you Can", by the Dave Clarke Five; following a bad lane-change beside a truck and trailer, the "Days of Pearly Spencer", (Avengers version) and so on . . .

Conclusion
Look, I've experienced most of these over 45 years or so of riding bikes, but can motorcycle commuting really be worth all this danger, discomfort and weirdness?
Well, here's a bob each way on that one:
I wouldn't want to swap my daily commute in the Auckland traffic -- it really wakes-me-up, makes me feel invigorated, is convenient and just so much fun.
But like the "Ancient Mariner", I tend to warn others not to do the same as me.
Mad, see.
- NZ Herald
By Paul Charman