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Issue Feature
Detaching from Non-romantic Sociopath Relationships
Many survivors in the aftermath of sociopath abuse discover that the person they most recently escaped is not the first sociopath type to cross their path.
As we look back and dissect our past and current relationships that were/are strained and complex, we start to see patterns and similarities between them. We experience a series of epiphanies in which we become fully aware and awakened to the truth behind the dynamics of certain failed relationships, from those with family members to bosses.
Although we were/are able to step away from some of these relationships without feeling completely broken, the idea of severing ties with certain individuals proved too uncomfortable to process, so we continue to endure these connections despite their toxic and volatile nature.
As a result of our fears about facing our discomfort to detach, we keep ourselves open to repeat and continued manipulations and abuse by these individuals. We know the truth and anticipate the harm, yet we remain inside these relationships.
Why? Why do we allow ourselves to suffer needlessly by holding out hope that something, namely our tormentor and how our tormentor judges us, will suddenly and miraculously change?
Why do we allow our “what ifs” and “if onlys” to suck us completely dry, rendering our intuition useless and our discernment paralyzed? All we have to do is detach from these parasites, yet we don’t. Why?
I believe the reasons are three-fold:
1. We fear falling out of grace with our tormentor.
Breaking the love and betrayal bonds, even when the relationship is not romantic, is difficult. We spent years desperately seeking approval from a narcissistic mother/father or controlling boss or best friend. The idea of letting go of that need for approval may seem easy, but the neurochemical imprint works like a craving against our better judgment. Even after severing contact, some may find themselves inclined to reach out to our tormentors for approval after fulfilling a lifelong goal or dream. Once we do, we quickly learn that there is no approval to be offered, and the cycle of abuse is rekindled. Not surprisingly, the toxic love and betrayal bonds are stronger than before.
2. We fear the potential loss of mutual relationships shared with our tormentor.
Because sociopaths are so skilled at triangulating people against others, we instinctively sense and know that once we end the relationship with the sociopath, we will also be jeopardizing the relationships between ourselves and those the sociopath conned and manipulated into believing we were unstable. The sociopath even predicted to these unsuspecting mutual friends that we would one day abandon them! Feigning fear of losing us gains the sociopath pity and leaves us “friendless” in the end.
3. We fear the judgment of friends and family who may criticize our lack of resilience to “stick it out”.
Cutting ties with a parent or sibling carries the possibility of being forced to cut ties with the other parent )if they are still together) and other siblings and family members. It’s an overwhelming burden on our emotional well-being. On top of this burden, we’ve also been conditioned to believe that “blood is thicker than water” and that it’s not socially acceptable to detach from a familial bond.
What we don’t realize as we contemplate severing ties is that those who really know and love us are simply too afraid to tell us we deserve better. To add to our uncertainty, most of these folks who love us and know us, isolate themselves from us. We falsely interpret this as their indifference and lack of love for us. The reality is actually the opposite: those who really care for us distance themselves from us while we’re mired in the toxic relationship, because they can’t bare to stand by and watch us suffer and waste our energy on lost causes. The truth about where these friends and loved ones stand with us remain hidden until we make the decision to step away from our tormentor. Talk about a conundrum!
These fears make us prime victims for sociopath abuse. These fears are born from our healthy conscience and our refusal to cause discomfort or harm to those we have grown to love despite the discomfort and harm they inflict upon us.
But it is imperative that we wake up from this sensibility and respond more practically and start protecting ourselves and our future peace and happiness.
We must say "no" to this senseless and needless suffering and choose to detach now. Once we do, the reality behind those three overriding fears will open up to us as if by magic.
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Recovery Tip
Don't Ignore Your Spirit Connection
Those who suffer the greatest loss in the aftermath of sociopath abuse are often highly sensitive, remorseful and accountable and possess resources (money and status) that the sociopath covets.
What is often overlooked when it comes to describing prime targets of sociopath abuse is their most valuable asset: their connection to spirit.
I’m not referring to religion or specific belief systems or patterning. Even people who walk around declaring that they’re atheists have a connection to their soul even if that’s not what they call it.
When I refer to a spirit connection, I am referring to the energy many of us possess that draws us deep inside of ourselves where we seek answers to the questions of who we are and why we are here on planet earth in the first place.
The energy is metaphysical and infinite. The energy is unconcerned with the material world of possessions or of the finite.
A person with this energy naturally stands out in high contrast to those who are disconnected from their spirit. A person like this may be described by others as shy and mysterious. Or could be described as the complete opposite: sociable and understood. Regardless, a person like this is selective with whom they choose to share their more intense energy, because a person like this does not wish to make anyone feel uncomfortable when they start talking about the stuff inside themselves. Yet, a person like this deeply desires to meet others who share this same inner spirit energy. A person like this wants to experience deep love and connections and is willing to be patient until it arrives.
A sociopath comes along and confuses a person like this into believing the sociopath is also a person like this who possesses, understands and is interested in nurturing this inner spirit and energy together.
Unfortunately, what a sociopath accomplishes is total destruction and annihilation of a person like this. Sociopaths destroy a person like this by mirroring values and dreams, feigning concern, falsifying their morals and perpetually and insidiously stealing, exploiting and deflating the energy of a person like this.
Once a person like this recognizes that they were conned by a false soul mate and that there was nothing a person like this could have done to cause it or change it, a person like this can start rebuilding his/her soul connection and spirit energy.
The best lesson and realization for a person like this is that a person like this will immediately be able to detect and detach from any person, sociopath or not, in the future who leaves them tired, anxious and clinging to hope for the relationship.
We are not desperate. We do not need another person to feel complete. We do not need to discover our soul mate to be abundantly happy in this lifetime.
What we need is to retain our connection to spirit and to be energized from the inside out, not from the outside in.
“What you seek is seeking you.” ~Rumi
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Easy Self-Care
Reduce Sugar; Increase Recovery Results
We are our mind, body and spirit. These three exist as a holistic triad and are intimately connected. If one part of the triad is unhealthy, the other two will also suffer. If our mind is healthy, our body and spirit will be healthy. But if our mind is compromised, our body and spirit will also be compromised.
Every choice we make in the aftermath of trauma and abuse can either help or hinder our recovery. Many of us are so consumed with making sense of what happened to us and finding answers that we neglect our physical health and overall well-being. This neglect leads to a number of physical ailments that may seem unrelated to our trauma but are, in fact, a direct consequence.
I often recommend total abstinence from alcohol for survivors, especially in the early aftermath. Alcohol not only results in physical setbacks like hangovers and digestion issues, it also leads to dependency, depression and a compromised immune system. In addition to cutting out alcohol, I also suggest limiting sugar consumption, because sugar, as it is manufactured in today’s society, is addictive with unfortunate side effects.
“When you look at animal studies comparing sugar to cocaine,” DiNicolantonio told Here & Now’s Lisa Mullins, “even when you get the rats hooked on IV cocaine, once you introduce sugar, almost all of them switch to the sugar.”
Sustained sugar consumption results in dopamine depletion and sugar withdrawal, so people need more and more sugar in order to maintain their "high" and avoid the side effects of withdrawal. Hmmm? That's the definition of an addiction, isn't it?
Just like any drug, there are certain side effects if you continue consuming your "drug" of choice. When it comes to sugar addiction, some side effects of refusing to withdrawal from excess sugar consumption include weight gain, type-2 diabetes and depression. As intelligent folks, we know that these conditions potentially lead to layer upon layer of additional conditions.
When we fall victim to one disease, we are weakened and open ourselves up to being susceptible to many others.
One simple way to reduce your daily sugar intake is to say no to soda and candy and say yes to fresh fruits and vegetables and water.
Yes, you're going to suffer a headache or two as you begin to reduce your consumption, and you're going to be burdened with fighting cravings.
But just like No Contact from your abuser leads to greater clarity and emotional recovery over time, going No Contact from sugary foods and saying yes to more fresh fruits and vegetables will lead to a healthier belly and immune system.
A healthier mind, belly and immune system leads to increased transformation of your body, mind and spirit simultaneously. When we transform our body, mind and spirit simultaneously, we are better positioned to nurture and sustain our progress on our journey toward full recovery.
Read more about sugar as an addiction.
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Contact Paula
Questions? Ideas? Paula is interested in supporting you and sharing your insights and questions with the community. Contact Paula today!
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Silent No More
Purchase and download Paula's book, "Unashamed Voices: True Stories Written by Survivors of Domestic Violence, Rape and Fraud Exposing Sociopaths in Our Midst."
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Retreats/Conferences
Fellow survivors make the greatest friends. Stay tuned for future events designed just for us by us!
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