Spring has sprung
The grass has riz
I wonder where the flower is
Here I are pick I up
I'm a little buttercup
When I was younger, as the buds on the trees began to open, one of my best friends and I used to recite this poem to one another. I don't see her anymore, but I still think of her every year as new baby plants and mighty trees start to open their eyes and smile.
Spring, that time of year that feels fresh and new - where opening oneself up to clear away the cobwebs of winter life feels natural and warm. I enjoy that feeling of promise and wonderment.
This year, I feel a deep need to purge; in fact more than I ever have before. Admittedly, I feel a wee bit stressed; however, I'm recognizant that this is the new shell of "me" that I'm trying on that makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm confident that I can handle the discomfort. I know it will feel "different" for a while, but I also realize that the end result will be a more centered me, with a deeper connection to myself and who I am inside. This is a win-win situation for me! I remind myself of that often ;)
This year, I'm committed to living more authentic. I want to smile from my heart; to connect on more extensive levels with those I love and to give in ways that over the years I admit I have shut down due to others mistreatment of me. I will no longer allow others to walk all over me either. I've conceded to it happening in the past few years, but no longer. I've had enough and if I have to walk empty in some areas of my life, then I will. I'm here to stay whether they like it or not. I may look tiny, but I have the strength of a lion when it comes to standing up for myself.
I'm excited to return to to being that person who has always lived inside, but whom for many years I began to hide.
Spring is that time of year that makes me hopeful and reminds me that the warmth of summer is on its way to surround me in its big revitalizing hug. I can't wait!
As I enter a new phase in my life, I reflect on the years that have gone by and the person I will become in my next chapter. I now echo what my elders used to tell me when I was young - life goes by fast. Wow, it really does, so if you are young reading this - realize it's true!
Turning fifty in a few days, I'm even more secure in myself and that my life is changing for the better and has taught me I'm a pretty awesome person.
I'm undying in my devotion and unfaltering in my belief of people. Living as I've been doing this past little while has proved to me that I'm settling into these new shoes and that they fit. I am in control of myself and I'm unstoppable to find my own inner happiness. It's hard, since breaking my leg, yes. I've gained weight - I'm good at my eating most times, but well when you pair it with alcohol, sometimes you make poor choices (unless I'm around my Wholly Fit family) ;) Regardless, right now though, I don't feel "me". I'm bringing myself back in a stronger way, so maybe that attributes to a heavier me.
You are important and possess all qualities to be unstoppable in the belief in yourself too, remember that!
Shifts Evolve You
I have been going through a major shift for about two years now. I remember reading a passage about how a home is supposed to be your sanctuary - that a home's state is a reflection of the state of your mind. I have been very scattered when it comes to my thoughts for the past little while. My house used to always be a reflection of an inner ahhhhhhh. This has been absent. The shift that is occurring is starting to move me though and I like it. I'm initiating change, through discussions with a trusted friend and through Reiki and yoga and my fitness. I'm allowing my mind to wander to where ever it wants to take me. I have opened my arms wide to the me that is evolving. I will no longer look back at what I used to have and instead focus on what is to come. As I said before, I'm excited :)
I look forward to my home once again being a reflection of who I am. To retreat to my peaceful sanctuary with my boys and furry family that I have missed immensely is already showing signs of feeling delectable!
Thanks to each of you for subscribing and reading my newsletters. I appreciate your support.
If you're new to my website and newsletters, greetings! I'm honored that you're reading my writings :) Check out all of my previous newsletters and other writings on my website, Kim Friesen - Mogillow Arts.
POEM OF THE MONTH
Within your words
My breath, superficial
My heart, blackened,
Stale and frigid
To the grandfather clock
That sits in the hallway,
Tick tock, tick tock
My brain, impassioned,
Is immersed in sounds that surround me
A crow's caw
The singing of a beetle, just out of sight
A rumble of an engine
They distract me
You sit right beside me
But I do not hear your voice
I watch as your mouth moves
Back and forth
Up and down
Yet hear nothing that
Falls off of your tongue
I stare at you
Like a ceramic, blue eyed doll
From the 1800s,
I focus now on a butterfly
That flies just outside the window
We sit beside
Silent yet free from its cocoon
I find myself envious
Imprisoned in my own fate
I look back at you once more
Desperate to bring back my focus
You look deep into my eyes
Your mouth pursed
As your pooling brown eyes squint
Insistent to impale the curtain
Which my fragile blue eyes have put up
To veil my soul from you
You reach out to touch me
Your finger tips brush my leg, remindful
As you try make me say something
Only a solitaire tear
Down my eyes
The only acknowledgment
That I do feel you
I can provide
You reach your hand up
And perceptibly wipe it away
And I try to smile for you
The torture you exude from inside of yourself
Sends shivers down my spine
I try to speak out
But the comfort of the old, stained blanket
That surrounds me keeps me hidden
The words I want to breathe
So I silence them
Hold my breath
Taste each letter on my tongue
As they try to reach out to my lips
So I can squash the words which try to come forth
The incessant stabling at my insides
Like the wounded bird I once saw try to fly
While I waked along the ocean
Before the eagle stole its breath away
I try hard to ignore the inevitable
Try to suppress my thoughts
Into the recesses
Of my mind
That I can not find a way to let you down
Oh how I know this will hurt you
The scent of fresh, green mowed grass
As the smell of cookies baking in some neighboring house
That no matter what
Life will go on
Whispers of hope
As I hold onto myself
The next moment
Will change my life
The time is over
And I must decide
Only I know what will be the outcome
And for this ... I feel you quiver ...
“What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.” ― Plutarch
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
The last few months have been interesting for me. As you know from my last newsletter, I reunited with my aunt (my biological father's sister) after over 40 years.
Since reuniting, I have been plagued with both happiness and doubt; all at different times: all in different colors. Perhaps that is why it has taken me so long to write another newsletter. I have been pensive, ruminating ideas, opinions, attitudes, remembrances around inside of my mind.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be reunited with a branch of my family tree that was virtually non-existent in my life. But, I find myself contemplative. I wonder if I've missed out on too much. That I am too different, that I won't fit in. That this is all but an illusion that I will only be left standing alone in once more. Taught that I was unlovable if I spoke my truth, I'm hesitant to let new family see who I truly am inside. I fear that getting to know me on a different, deeper level will make them turn away.
I realize that there are two different sides, with two very different stories regarding my biological mom and dad. Two opposite worlds collided when they divorced. Like a meteor shower, my heart tried to duck, but it didn't work - each rock struck; and ground into me pits and canyons that to this day are still cavernous.
A part of my heart remains locked - some days I am certain that the key to release me, lost - sometime I feel forever. The five-year old, whose daddy walked away and found another family to raise and be a part of and the mom who had another daughter with a new man has trapped this small piece of me. I was left to float. Drilled in by the fact that I was not worth enough to fight for by my father. There are unresolved issues that to this day can still make me cry. Some days, I feel alone, too much trouble, too much for anyone to listen to. I know if it were not for my dog's unconditional love in earlier days, I may have never made it to where I am today. I was suicidal then. I left home and was cut off all contact from my mother. It felt that I didn't matter to anyone. Life felt like nothing more than a fight. I was tired. To this day I wonder how I pulled through all that emptiness.
There is a part of my brain that continues to be haunted by these ghosts. As I said earlier, I'm talking to someone about my emotional pain and I have others healing my outer body. I am open wide to the world and I can take it.
I just want to share, so that if you ever felt this way, you know you are not alone.
I find those that are cruel, or unfair in my life, are often projecting their own fearful emotions about their own lives. I admit that I can attract these mean people. It's always easier to bring another to the ground rather than look in their own mirror. Being knowledgeable about this fact, I have at last found comfort and learned to distance myself from these negative and unsatisfied people.
Today, as I write this, I once again sit as a parentless daughter - despite the fact both my parents are alive and well - they have both rejected me in their own ways. As a parent myself, I can't imagine if my son didn't want to be around me as they project. I can't imagine not being a part of his path in life. I wonder if I have I been strong enough to break the chain of my past. Will he stay close or will he run from me too? He already asks me where his grandparents are. Why my mommy and daddies don't love me. Why they walked away from me. I know with certainty and calm, that I will always fight for him. That little part of my heart that still lives inside me though. The five-year old girl with pig tails praying for her mommy to return for Christmas and then for her daddy to do the same a year or so later can leave me curled into a ball.
I will always protect this little girl inside of me, at all costs. She is lonely, scared, heartbroken and scarred. She built a wall and will not allow anyone to get real close.
I have had major costs placed in my life I know that. I have had to fight some battles another person may never fight in their life time. I've been cheated on, I've had friends walk away blaming me for their own actions, I've lost my parents, my grandparents, my aunts, uncles and cousins. I almost died twice having a stroke and subsequent brain surgeries. There have been days when that little girl said, "Why are you still here, why didn't you just let death take you?|
Have you ever felt that you were walking alone through life? That if you died no one would show up to the funeral?
I understand that most people would never ask themselves such deep rooted question. I understand many don't know how to, or don't wish to address the past. Well I do and I'm proud of myself for embracing that. I am not broken. From earlier battles, I know I will arise again; I'll keep asking the unaskable. Questions cause growth. Questions find directions. Questions find truth.
You may think that this would be a great weapon to use against me to bring me down, especially right now. Actually though, it is my greatest strength. I can survive on my own, alone.
I am a survivor of both a war that happened within myself as well as the one that happened outside of me. I was dealt the deepest cut that I could ever receive, the abandonment of both my parents at critical times of need in my life and I'm still standing
I fight to live, I fight to survive, I fight to be myself and authentic.
Have you made the will and ability to overcome a goal in your life?
These days, I celebrate the goodness that has entered my life in the past few months. I hold at bay that voice that keeps trying to tell me that it will be taken away. Other than my son, I've never had the opportunity to do this so fully and completely.
I'm scared, I want to crawl within myself and hide. I am human. Mostly though, I want to show to the world that I cannot be taken down, I will not be used and I will answer for myself only.
Do you believe you can always stand for yourself when no one else does. Can you rise above the shallowness some people give you, despite you giving you your inner world? Shoot me an email at email@example.com. I'd love to hear your thoughts on what you're up to!
MY FITNESS CORNER
You Go Down Before You Go Up“
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.”
This quote was on the chalk board when I went into Event Training one morning a while back. As I started my first exercise, I realized that despite the feelings I have inside of me, I am really but a caterpillar in its chrysalis state.
I have struggled quite a bit as I get back to trying to be me. I'm out of breath; it feels like a weight is always on my chest. I feel alone in my thoughts. I feel discouraged; inadequate; like I am wasting my time. Yet I can't help but ask myself am I really any of this?
My head understands that my physical body needs time to re-stretch and grow what is already in me. My heart though is on a different level. The goals that I easily attained earlier, before my ankle break, now seem impossible. I feel as though I'm holding back, yet when I try to move out of the feelings in my heart, I feel trapped.
Over the years, I have had these feelings in other areas of my life - trapped, like a caged animal. Before my fitness transformed me out of these feeling in my heart, right now I feel like I keep coming up empty handed.
I know it is physiological. I am trying to break this psychological barrier. I have set tiny goals to run up a hill that I had not done since June, to run up and down stairs with fellow bootcampers, to do exercises that are painful; that I can't do easily like before. I knew it would be limiting, full of feelings of defeat and "you will never get there", yet I am trying to dig deep. To find that part of me that has had to survive.
Have you ever done this to yourself? Allow the voices you once suppressed fill your head that you would never amount to anything, that you would never be good enough. That failure would be your middle name?
Today, I took a deep breath at Event Training. I stared at my challenges and held back tears. I wanted to just give up, but a voice inside my head spoke stronger. I have not heard it in a while now. It told me to stand up and walk alone, to be myself, to love myself, to realize that you may feel unlovable and that it doesn't matter. Today, I understood that I needed to find a tribe who would hold me when I needed it. Who would fight for me to be with them, who wouldn't allow me to walk away?
I have a lot to think about. Immeasurable amounts to learn and discover about this beautiful soul inside of me that I keep trying to be erased - whether by others or even myself.
Today, I will rise above and conquer.
Face your fears, your challenges and dis-ban expectations from others head on - that is only going to lead you to nowhere. Be authentic to yourself. Most importantly, let fitness be the gift, the place that takes you home. It doesn't have to be a bootcamp, it doesn't have to be a marathon. A simple gift of walking along a river, the ocean, in a forest. Mother Nature provides us that which feeds our soul. If you can't give yourself a gift, accept hers. Move your body in any way you can, at your level and celebrate. You are worth it!
No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself world, I'm sharing the truth of what I know darn well can live inside of any of us at any time of our life. I am not scared to do that. I will always be authentically me. Yes I may eat the wrong things right now, or drink too much of stuff I shouldn't, but hey I'm working on it and that's the best I can do right now.
What About You?
How are you doing? I'd love to hear your thoughts. How are your work outs going? Have you been inspired lately to start doing them if you haven't started yet? Drop me an email firstname.lastname@example.org, anytime!
This drink is dedicated to my brother, Ray, from Love Your RV, but it's a recipe that anyone can make - not just rv'ers or campers. It looks delicious in fact and therefore worth sharing with you my readers.
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves
Preheat a gas or charcoal grill over high heat.
Cut four sheets of foil, about 12-inches long. Divide shrimp, sausage, corn and potatoes into 4 equal portions and add to the center of each foil in a single layer.
Fold up all 4 sides of each foil packet. Add olive oil, cajun seasoning, salt and pepper, to taste; gently toss to combine. Fold the sides of the foil over the shrimp, covering completely and sealing the packets closed.
Place foil packets on the grill and cook until just cooked through, about 12-15 minutes.*
Served immediately, garnished with parsley, if desired.
*This can also be baked for 15-17 minutes at 425 degrees F.
Are you looking for a boot camp to "be the best version of yourself" and live in Victoria, BC? If so, check out Wholly Fit'swebsite at http://whollyfitvictoria.com/ and sign up to join us.
SOMETHING I'VE DISCOVERED
Last newsletter, I shared with you a link regarding exercise and chronic disease. In case you missed what I was talking about just click the link here.
What's New This Newsletter
This newsletter, I'd like to share with you a beautiful person I have met recently. Her name is Jen Craig-Evans and she is both a yoga and a Reiki teacher.
The sessions that I have shared with Jen have helped me in ways I cannot even begin to describe. They've enlivened me and allowed me to tap into some pretty heavy stuff. I feel safe when I am with her. I am okay with allowing myself to be a feather, or cliff diver when I am in her presence and fall. She made me cry when I went to see her a few weeks ago. I cried and then sobbed. My little five-year old girl who lives inside me came out and she held me. I have never been hugged by a person that way, not when I was in complete collapse.
My husband was heartbroken that he didn't get to share my breakthrough, but he wasn't there when I was five. I had to get those cobwebs, the hurt and pain of being a little lost soul moving out of me. I had to spend time in a safe environment allowing that person within me to purge, to lighten the load, to be free. He understands that I am only on my way to becoming an ever better version of myself than before. He does not feel threatened, he just wanted to be there to hold onto me with her. I respect that and am proud that he loves me that much.
Jen'sReiki sessions have helped to peel the layers away from myself and I am thankful. She's shared some pretty intimate moments with me. I am privileged to have such a gentle soul helping to guide me on this phase in the journey of my life right now. I'd like to let you know where to find her. If you're in the Victoria area, please be sure to check her website out here. Her contact information is:
Telephone Number: 250-979-8582
Jenn is working to transform my emotional self. I can tell you after three sessions, my fourth today, she's already opened me wide! The onion has peeled at a rapid rate under her sensitive, insightful, thoughtful approach.
Have you reached that point in your life where you stand behind the looking glass, not quite being able to touch what you long to? If so, give her a call so she can assist at unlocking who you truly are.
I just returned from a vacation at Howlers Inn in Bozeman, Montana. What an experience. I've always wanted to connect with wolves and this holiday allowed me the privilege of that. I will write more about that in my next newsletter.
For now I leave you with the hope that life feels good for you right now, that you are healthy, settled and ready to take on the next chapter in your life, life me friends :) We are given but one life. Let's live it to its fullest!
As always, please feel free to share my website, newsletters and writings with all of your friends and family. Encourage them to subscribe too. I promise I won't bug them with junk mail or anything of the sort!