Once again, fall is upon us and as I stare out the window today, I'm reminded just what this season means to me. A time I set aside to shed; let go of things, people or ideas that no longer suit me. Some years are easier than others. This year feels harder. I've come face-to-face with people who hurt me, didn't believe in me, or took me for granted. I'm well aware this happens to us all. So, today as I watch the leaves drop from the trees outside, I'm reminded that there are many like me - my "tribe" is strong.
I've met new people this year, entered a richer phase with those familiar, and even had a bird see the porch light on - you'll understand if you read the article that I wrote,"Hope".
I've also submerged myself deeper into this difficult task of letting go. Exposed and vulnerable to victimization, I've stood sturdy. Comforted in the knowledge that I've been here before, I've tried harder to duck the blows of others that try to hurt me as they project their own inner unhappiness upon me.
To delve into the cavern of my truth and strip myself and embrace all that is "me" has liberated me, yet at times has left me paralyzed. Yes, the onion peels yet another layer . . .
This past little while, I have watched some gut wrenching movies and documentaries, had some good cries, did more writing, and spent more time alone. Stages of change can be nail biting, but they can also feel like a mist of rain upon your face; it cleanses and reinvigorates. To see the misfortunes of others reminds me just how lucky I am.
I remain hopeful that with the fall comes a winter full of people and ideas that will cement into my life.I look forward to spring coming again too, so I can watch the seeds I planted recently begin to bloom.
What Is Your Favorite Season?
I love every season, don't get me wrong, but fall is like an impregnation time. That time of year that I feel most fertile, open to change; willing to start on a new path, but filled with a feeling that I can take time to still pause and reflect before I integrate the new.
Just like the trees, right now internal depths of me are turning golden, a symbol that an idea or thought has reached its final stages. In contrast, I also feel brilliant, red, symbolizing that something in my life is no longer in a stagnated state, but instead burns like a fire - ready to be released.
I love the moments of gentleness that fall gives me. Like a pre-Christmas present, I am rewarded with the sounds of nature: the crunch of leaves, the rain hitting the roof, the wind sucking the breathe out of me, the roll of thunder and lighting as they move across the sky. A sense of solitude and deep, breathing junctures are evoked within me.
Do you have any times of year that are your favorite? Are you like me and look forward to falling into yourself with the change of the leaves, or is this a time you'd rather do without? Is there something in your life that presses you to move forward? Or, is there something that presses you to retreat deeper? Are you busy planting seeds that you hope next year you will harvest?
Thanks to each of you for subscribing and reading my newsletters. I appreciate your support.
If you're new to my website and newsletters, greetings! I'm honored that you're reading my writings :) Check out all of my previous newsletters and other writings on my website, Kim Friesen - Mogillow Arts.
POEM OF THE MONTH
Inspired By Gwen Stefani's Song - I Used To Love You
The door opens
As a lump forms in my throat
Drips of irony splash at my feet
The feeling of wanting to flee
To greet your face
A face I had dreamed about
But wondered if I'd ever see
Feels as though the past just crashed into the present
A tidal wave of emotions tramples my mind
As I try to cover my ears before the
Of my heart song
I stand exposed
Caught off guard
My veil of concealment having done a face plant
"Suitcase, band-aids, pulling back out the driveway . . . I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you?"
Words that need to be spoken
My inner fortress
Each bricks begin to shake, agitated
My mind races
Trying to catch up with
The cuts you'll surely attempt to make upon my words
Can I trust you?
A jigsaw puzzles lies before me
And I can't help but think where that first piece is
That one that always gets you started
I am befuddled
No longer at peace with my day
Why is this happening?
I try to envisage what your thoughts were then?
What they might be now?
You act so composed now
Yet, I know you . . .
Inside you are dying
You could never fool me, could you?
Remember that I'm that one that never judged you
I wish you never chose to lie to me, of all people
I wish you thought I was important
To put me in the same arena as those who judged you
Still stings me to this day
Makes my insides curl, contort
Concurrent with the fact that I know you know
That a shred of me drowned that day that I walked away
Lost I was
Within your ego's demands
I was forced to leave
What we would have been . . .
I lay cut open before you
And still wish you did not have this effect on me
"I think I just remembered since the first time that I hated you that I used to love you"
Severed in this fragment of time
I feel raw
And know I need to leave
Before I once again say something
I will regret
You know I'm good at disclosure
Letting all my feelings out
While others stay silent
This time though
I was with another They saw you when I wasn't looking
They spoke to you
They almost slipped up
And said those words
That would have gutted me:
"She misses you"
They know I need you,
Especially right now
Words won't come easy for me today though
That I was your loss
That it was never the other way around
So, I catch my breath
And walk away
End this moment
I later was told it was right then
That your smile faded
The smile you easily shared with me
That surprises me
Were you, perhaps, invested?
Is this song over?
Have all the words now been written?
Have I hit ever note for every chord?
I will allow you to judge . . .
I walk away
On the same day
In a separate part
Of our town
I can almost smell your perfume
I don't remember your eyes looking so kind
"I give up!" I thought
You always could get to me
Couldn't you . . .
You hugged me
I hugged you back
I said I missed you
I know you knew I was shaken
I held my head higher
You said you missed me too
But then today
of letting my words tumble out Clowns in a clown car
I grab hold of those tiny fragments of my heart
Reserved only for you
Taking a labored breath
I was the best thing that ever happened to you . . . I don't know why I cry"
“Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself."
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
In the last few months, I have been delving into my ancestry. While I was off with a broken ankle, I did a DNA test. I did not know what I would awaken within. Below is a passage I wrote about this experience. It may read like a poem, like a run on thought, perhaps. Yet, if some person/people out there "get" it, then I think it's worth sharing.
With every ache there is a blossom. An undeniable moment when deep within the corridors of our mind, internally naked we stand. Stripped of outer visions, opinions, truths, the true inner self is awakened - uninhibited, whole. It is here in this transitional period that we must pause. Reflect on what we are opportuned. The ability to decide whether to allow the tentacles of change to embrace or to watch it smother and eradicate. The challenge presents itself. It is here in this moment that we must first breathe, then realize that we can do one of two things. We can choose now to blame one person, or many people, for inflicting their own personal shame upon us. Or, to take the road less traveled. Devoid of any ego, I realize, that, for me, I must simply let go and fall into the abyss. For, here, in this spot is where I, personally, have always been meant to be.
Since doing my Ancestry DNA, I've been approached by relatives, I did not know existed. I've been approached by a few that I knew of, but thought after 40 plus years, I didn't matter to. I was wrong. They reached out to me. One, in particular, has made me feel heard, and that is beautiful.
Obviously, I'm torn between yesterday and today. I know I have to live for today, but for the five-year old girl within me, I cry. I am sensitive. I shout that from the rooftops, I don't care. It means I have a heart. It means that I can be empathetic. It means that when my little boy needs me, I'll be there.
A shout out here to my brother, Ray, and my hubby (my rock, my light). For a while I have been "unpredictable". My brother does a perfect impression of the me that is emerging. Having laughter at any unsettled, transitional period is imperative! My arms are flapping, Ray xo
Friends, live life with purpose, with intent and with you at the helm. Be the discoverer of your own destiny. Remind yourself that you no longer need to be in the grip of anyone else. Stand firm, allow no one to force themselves or their beliefs upon you. Rise to the occasion be accountable to only the reflection that stares back at you in the mirror. Please know that I know that this is hard, I work at it every day.
Have you ever felt alone and second best? Have you done DNA? Have you been having a blast finding long lost relatives in the deep past? Are you scared to even start? Shoot me an email at email@example.com. I'd love to hear your thoughts on what you're up to!
Always remember that despite what anyone else thinks, you are unique and you are worth every second of every minute of every day!
MY FITNESS CORNER
The Little Engine That Could
I have been giving fitness a lot of thought lately. As I stared at my muscles dangling on my right leg and then observed the skinniness of my already skinny left calf, "defeat" was the first word that came to mind. The next two words chimed in right after - "give up". Those words; however, are not in my vocabulary. I hope it is not (or is soon to not be) in your vocabulary either!
So I had a suck it up princess moment and designed my own challenge. My son actually designed it. Kai's Mommy Challenge. 30 days of re-focussing myself into working out longer than I had been while in recovery. I mean, let's face it there comes that scale tipping moment. Where we all can easily turn three months of recovery into six months, a year, and then before we turn around twice five years have passed. I was there, I was about to descend down this time line.
So, my son's challenge chart has been my barometer for change. I have been asked if I'm still with Wholly Fit - of course I am! My trainer, Jenn, is well aware of what is going on in my head :) She understands that we are each on a journey and sometimes our journeys are delicate. She has been supporting me privately, which lifts me up even higher. I have also had some communications and support from a few of my Wholly Fit family, to whom I'm grateful for.
So where am I? Well I am 24 days in. I have been working out consistently. I don't feel the full effects yet, but I know I will. I am seeing my spider muscles beginning to pop up, I'm beginning to see a peak of the definition I like to have. Trainer Mike at Wholly Fit is showing me how to "lift" spider weights correctly, and he makes me laugh - remember I said laughter is a key component. Honestly, laughter works in ALL circumstances! I also have another private session scheduled with Jenn to ensure I'm doing things correctly despite my current little set back.
What About You?
How are you doing? I'd love to hear your thoughts. How are your work outs going? Have you been inspired lately to start doing them if you haven't started yet? Drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org, anytime!
I love this story I just read about Clare Bowden. If you don't know who she is, no worries. It's not who she is, it's what she did. Clickhereto read the article in the Tennessean and you'll understand. You can also read her full story on Facebook by clicking here.
What a beautiful soul Clare is and she is so right "it's just hair" xo I aspire to be a person like her and so wish I had someone cut their hair shot in solidarity with me and my shorter than short hair cut after my brain surgeries, lol!
So I am still throwing around the blog idea as opposed to the newsletter. I haven't decided. As I said before, I will continue writing. I have started to do a new writing journal to get me back into the groove. There have been a lot of changes in my life and I need to write through that. Synchronicity has also been at play :)
I don't know if I'm an every day, set in a schedule kind of writer. Sometimes, I think a lot in my head and I honestly prefer it to stay there and percolate for a while.
I want to take this moment to offer my sincere thoughts, prayers and best wishes to Paris. If you look close, you'll note that the gargoyles pictured in my newsletters are from my favorite church in Paris, Notre Dame (right beside where we stay) and that in the far backdrop sits the iconic Eiffel Tower. We took that picture! I have an indescribable connection to Paris. My thoughts are with this city, as well as all the other innocent cities and people around the world subjected to crimes and circumstances where they are ruthlessly victimized.
I just phoned my friend in Guernsey, in the Channel Islands, to send my love. We last went to Paris before and after visiting with her and her hubby on the beautiful island she lives. If you haven't let the important people in your lives know they are special, today is a perfect day :)
Finally, know too that whether or not you're a subscriber, I'm always humbled that any of you take the time to read what I write. I don't have any editors or spell checkers reading my work. It's just me, so my sincere thanks for continuing to read :)
As always, please feel free to share my website, newsletters and writings with all of your friends and family. Encourage them to subscribe too. I promise I won't bug them with junk mail or anything of the sort!