359 days. Let the countdown begin until next years Black’s Ball.
Our roving reporter was on the scene, pen and paper in tow, ready to capture some hot topics of discussion and relay some of the happenings of the night.
Unfortunately, within about 2 hours of being there, our reporter ran into Howie, who stuffed him full of enough beer to drown Brendan Fevola, meaning artistic license has to be employed when trying to recount the evening.
So here it is. The match report from Saturday the 8th of August.
Adelaide University 10.9.69 defeated by Dom Polski 15.10.100
Timmy Dean: He was dressed like Deuce Bigalow, and he pashed on like… well, a gigolo. The delightful purple shirt took enough attention away from the fact that he was dancing like a kid that had stepped on a landmine, but it didn’t seem to bother his dancefloor Delilah.
“Timmy Dean is not my lover” she later recounted “He’s just a boy who says that I am the one. But the kid’s not getting near my bum.”
Elliot Hewish: It was the night of nights for Elliot “Anything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough” Hewish. After a quiet start to the evening, the man dressed like the Monopoly Man’s Ivory trading cousin nestled in to a nook on the side of the dance floor, where he could pounce at any minute.
After spotting a girl guide who clearly didn’t know that Eddie Dadds batted for the other team, Hewish pounced. Within seconds, their faces were melted together like they’d just been victims of a pepsi commercial fire, and the two proceeded to play tongue-tango into the wee hours of the morning.
Oh, and Hewish and Brant Ellis were both complaining of a downstairs itch two weeks back. Just a heads up.
Wayne Abrey: It wasn’t going to be another case of Blue Balls at Blacks Ball for this wily secretary. After spending most the evening being the fun police and boring prospective partners with strategies to offset the Medicare Levy from your assessable income, Screecher finally found his mark.
A younger AUFC gentleman had been courting a girl for a while, and was pleased with his progress. He decided to duck off to the toilet to relieve himself before they shared a taxi ride home.
Screecher had other ideas. You know when you see a seagull on the beach with one leg, and you think to yourself “Ohhhhh he’s not a threat. Let’s give him a chip”, only to find out the prick has two legs and was just pretending the whole time? That was Screech.
In to the taxi they went, leaving the young black bewildered and slightly alarmed when returning from the toilet to find that 2 hours of groundwork had come unstuck at the hands of a sexually deviant secretary.
Bodie Henderson: Special mention should go to Bodie, who, after not even knowing he was attending the Blacks Ball after waking up on Saturday morning, definitely knew he attended the Blacks Ball after waking up on Sunday morning.
So what if the coach buys you your ticket? So what if you’re a dancefloor hit within seconds of arriving. So what if you throw up a few vital organs? At least he did it quickly. According to Howie, to be done by 8:30 pm is a new record. Not even Hamish Crouch’s girlfriend is in bed by then, and she had a big day of colouring between the lines planned for Sunday.
Such was Bodie’s fantastic performance at the beginning of the night on the dancefloor, that people were asking whether he was a paid dancer. The answer, if you were wondering, is no. He is not a paid dancer.
If he was, Alex Ireland would have been stuffing dollar bills in his top all night and asking Bodie to call him “Big Daddy”.
There are countless other people who deserve sprays, but they’ll have to wait for another time. It was an extremely successful night once again. Sportsbet had paid out on Tuesday training being cancelled by 10pm Saturday night.
Anyway, onto the footy. The A’s and B’s play Goodwood this week at BN#1, with the B@stards and the Chards having 10:15 games away at Park 9 and Max Amber sportsfield. The other three fixtures read like an NSYNC song, as Scum, Cmen and 7Res have Bye, Bye, Bye.
Great to see another fantastic turn out at the Long Lunch last Friday. Another cracking Blacks afternoon. Special thanks to the following for their contribution:
Sticks Phillips and Plug Harcourt for their guest speaking roles. Both fantastic and very entertaining… as promised on the day,attached hereis Plug’s presentation for those that wish to have a look. Please reference Tim/Uni NSW RBA if you happen to use any of the charts.
Rulebook for his interviewing, research and especially all the work he did behind the scenes on the day and in preparation
Janne who did an incredible job again with the auction. Singlehandedly raised $2k and got the budget (just) into the black!
Hamish Mill who is always very quick to offer his services for the auction and with limited preparation (due to us) always manages to engineer a great result. Thanks a heap Milly.
Tom Martin and Clint Rule for their very entertaining MC work.
Fancy a vino? - 3 mixed dozens for Blackers - thanks to our mates Angoves
Our friends at Angoves Family Winemakers have put together 3 fantastic mixed dozens for the Blacks. See the attached form for details, really encourage you to get involved in this as $20 from every cash sold goes straight back to the Blacks.
Round 18 Fixture
Saturday 15th August
Black Jack & the Showgirls (Div 1) v Goodwood Sinners @ Bob Neil #1 2.15pm
Super Gav and the Budgie Smugglers (Div 1R) v Goodwood Sinners @ Bob Neil #1 12.15pm
Sexy Pimp and the C-Men (Div 7) BYE
Robert Reid and the Brady Bunch (Div 7R) BYE
The Chardonnay Socialists (C1) v The Raggies @ The Op Shop (Max Amber Sportsfield) 10.15am
The B*stards (C2) v Tarnished Spooners @ Bob Neil #4 (Park 9) 10.15am
The Scum (C3) BYE
Sunday 16th August
Bob Neil’s Girl Guides v Western Suburbs Hawks @ Bob Neil #2 2pm
It seems Brodie Borg has been escaping the cold Australian winter. Steering gondola's in Venice during the week, only to be back in Adelaide to play footy on the weekend - Now that's commitment.
Open Book premieres on SBS 1 just after Erotic Tales. Station manager is hoping that many of the Erotic Tales viewers stay watching because OPEN BOOK features many stories that are questionable in nature. But as Book says - never let the truth get in the way of a good story!
Saturday August 29 - SUPER BOWLIES at the Long Room from 6pm
$25 will get you a drink card and a meal voucher from the Yiros Stand
The A-grade will be getting mad Monday underway, so you're a big chance to see a few JT Goose nominations.
The Girl Guides will be playing their first ever final starting at 7pm, so get around them.
Normal bar facilities will still be available.
Sunday August 30 - SUPER SUNDAY!
$20 to enter upstairs at the Havey
Teams name their best and fairest. Last one standing.
No further explanation required.
Monday August 31 - Liver detox kits available for sale.
(or you could just harden up)
Blacks Ball PSA
Rumour has it that the Blacks Ball provides a little extra each year than Beers, Banter and Belligerent first year players. History shows that the Blacks Ball wields a mysterious power held above all else, the creation of future AUFC superstars (particularly girl guides). This PSA may be considered to be around a week late, but who are we to stand in the way of nature, and the bolstering of future AUFC talent.
To prove this myth is in fact true, below are pictured three of Bob Neils faithful, Luke 'Dutchy' Holland, Peter Malinauskas and Patrick O'Leary exactly nine months after last years Ball.
(A few of you might need a moment to call your friend from Saturday night)
15/8 Bowlies - The B@stards take control
All teams with a bye get to Bob Neil #1 to support the A grade.
Then get back to yours truly for 7pm kick off.
The B@stards are infamous for their antics - especially at Ladyboy Go Gos
Chardonnay Socialists Fundraiser
The Chards are raising money for their spiritual leader and club legend Darien ‘Dirty’ O’Reilly who is going through a bit of rough patch at the moment. Please help support us by grabbing one of these Entertainment Books and $13 will go towards fundraising. Not only do you support a good cause but you also get some awesome discount’s at some of Adelaide better pubs and restaurants like ‘The Hackney’, ‘The Wright St Hotel’, ‘The Goody’, ‘The Wellington’, ‘The Austral’, ‘The Kentish’ and our home ground ‘The Havelock’. So get behind us and grab yourself a book or digital membership now.
Take advantage of free postage to ANYWHERE IN AUSTRALIA
For a limited time only we are offering
FREE POSTAGE to your door!
16 August (this Sunday) – Melbourne Reunion Day. The All Nations Hotel Lennox St Richmond, 12 for 12.30. All welcome so please contact Rulebook on 0414 678 815 or email@example.com if you wish to come along.
29 August – Family Day at Uni Oval
Sunday in September – Super Sunday
16 October (Friday) – Annual Dinner at the Wine Centre
Just like many of our clients, our consultants have a genuine passion for travel. Every year we inspire thousands of travellers to broaden their horizons and sample a diverse range of travel experiences and destinations…just imagine where our experience could take you? We would love to discuss your travel needs, call 1800 331 916. 72 The Parade, Norwood. firstname.lastname@example.org
Round 17 Results
Div 1 (Black Jack & the Showgirls) 3.8.26 defeated by Tee Hee Gully 15.17.107
Goal Kickers: N. Langridge , T. Bateman , B. Smelt
Best Players: D. Cunningham , J. Grieger , K. Flanigan , S. Paynter , B. Borg , C. Black
Div 1Reserves (Super Gav and the Budgie Smugglers) 12.8.80 defeated Tee Hee Gully 12.3.75
Goal Kickers: J. Johnston 2, P. Dolan 2, E. Hewish 2, T. Muecke , M. Quin , J. Connell , H. Gloyne , R. Anderson , A. Offe
Best Players: J. Connell , M. Quin , K. Green , J. Johnston , J. Mader , P. Dolan
Div 7 (Sexy Pimp & the C-Men) 21.14.140 defeated Karl Marx University 7.6.48
Goal Kickers: D. Trezise 4, A. Ireland 3, J. Fitzgerald 3, S. Ritchie 2, A. Riley 2, S. Kesic , Z. Turnbull , F. Slape , S. Bondio , J. Cmrlec , T. Milton
Best Players: J. Cmrlec , M. Jamieson , A. Riley , T. Milton , D. Trezise , A. Ireland
Div 7Reserves (Robert Reid and the Brady Bunch) 16.15.11 defeated Karl Marx University 2.3.15
Goal Kickers: C. McMichael 6, C. Reid 5, C. Baker 2, T. Carr , Q. Daly , T. Nguyen
Best Players: T. Nguyen , D. Conier , S. Hickey , C. McMichael , R. Laidlaw , Q. Daly
Div C1 (The Chardonnay Socialists) 17.10.112 defeated Silver Spooners 3.1.19
Goal Kickers: D. Blyth 6, J. Richards 3, B. Meier 2, R. Doecke 2, C. Lane 2, D. Jean , A. Vallelonga
Best Players: C. Schiller , N. Hallion , D. Blyth , C. Rohde , S. Sharley , Z. Hambour
Div C2 (The B*stards) 10.0.60 defeated Pimp Town 0.0.0 (FORFEIT)
Div C3 (The Scum) 15.7.97 defeated Fos Williams 6.6.42
Goal Kickers: N. Lawrence 4, P. Malinauskas 2, T. Dean 2, M. Eisenberg 2, D. Currie , A. Howard , S. Musolino , W. Legrand , A. Westbrook
Best Players: T. Dean , E. Dart , M. Draca , S. Musolino , M. Eisenberg , S. Lawrence
Open Women’s Div 2 (Bob Neil’s Girl Guides) 8.1.49 defeated Morphetville Park 2.3.15
Goal Kickers: F. Clancey 3, T. Lee 2, J. Schulz 2, E. Sheridan
Best Players: N. Burns , S. Ford , J. Schulz , J. Green , T. Lee , L. Mauceri
Match Report of the Week #1
The focus of this weeks scum match report is Timmy Dean, an up and coming club legend, he had a solid Blacks Ball weekend an important first step for budding young legends.
He dominated Saturdays game v PHOS with a best on ground performance (which is always a good omen on blacks ball day) and this was despite a nasty neck injury picked up the evening prior see below. He did all this with Bob Neil and Mrs Legend looking on. Bob was impressed.
Then his ball was nothing short of prodigious many pundits calling it the best individual performance at a ball since Dirty Darien O’Reilly went to a ball dressed as a woman (for the cheap ticket) then switched gender mid ball to hit on the ladies. His performance all the more meritorious with the club looking to better integrate the Girl Guides, Timmy achieved this aim almost by single handedly, taking it on himself to make them feel right at home at the club, on ya Tim. Did I forget to mention it was his birthday on the Monday after the ball …… a budding legend of the lower grades
Meanwhile the scum beat the top side by 9 goals booking a double chance and setting up for a jolt at the title.
BP Dean, Dart, Draca, Muso, Eisy, S Lawrence
Goals N Lawrence 4, P Mally 2 Dean 2 Eisy 2 Currie, Howie, Muso, Legrand, Doc
Girl Guides in the media
The mighty Girl guides featured in an article in the Advertiser! Well done ladies.
Infamous C-Grade Trainer finishes up with -3 dreamteam points
At a very crucial moment in the last quarter, where the C-Men were up by 74 points - the infamous C-grade trainer was mesmerised by Daniel Not-to-Precise (has kicked 8.16 in last two games). The trainer remained in the square for the ballup and as a result, gave away a free kick to the number 699 university in the world - Flinders. What lead the trainer to stay - was Dan showing her his pectoral muscles, which are out at any instance possible in the C-grade changerooms before and after matches.
Tom Waterhouse is still providing the best odds for Dan-Not-So-Precise to win the heart of the infamous C-grade trainer, with dark horse odds given to Mr Fashion Jimmy Calder (as seen below).
Jimmy Calder unecessary game fashion Part #2
Jimmy is at it again, way too overdressed for football. Attention to detail is apparently the word here. Jimmy described his kit like this
The modified spray on jeans tickled perfectly with the Lygon street direct jacket, which faded in nicely with revolver Melbourne acid wash tee and FIGJAM Egyptian cotton scarf, all finished off with the designer Calvin Klein socks, and Russell Coight outback boots.
Jimmy hopes this write up will reach Men's Health magazine where he will feature in the future on the front page.
Mate just get on the park for finals. Focus.
Jimmy now has been nicknamed Hansel. Except Jimmy has a face for radio.
Jamieson and the Euro Babes Part #2
It's amazing how much better you play when you have three European babes come to watch you play.
Max Jamieson was easily best on ground up until half time - blowing kisses after every possession to the onlooking Europeans.
It's funny though - the Euro babes left at half time. Jamo was reported missing soon after, phone call made to the lost persons unit and face on Pura milk cartons the next day - still trying to find him.
Balaklava Cup with Daryl Braithwaite - DISCOUNTED TICKETS FOR BLACKERS
Flick of the Week
Stomp The Yard
Bodie 'Happy Feet' Henderson got his stomp on at blacks ball, narrowly taking out best on the D-floor award. He was rivaled only by Damon 'Divots' Robinson, who was cutting shapes the likes of which we haven't seen since Michael Quin's last haircut. Bodie's old school dance style tore up the floor with an intent reminiscent of Ben Sanders pursuing the opposite gender (unrestrainable). Rumours are flying that Bodie and Damon now plan on creating their own dance group to go head to head in a Dance battle against Justice Crew.
A/B Grade Guernsey Numbers
The A and B grade playing list (with Guernsey Numbers) is available here for those who have requested player numbers when attending games. There are a number of players moving in and out of these teams but we have done our best to cover most players. However, we do apologise if this is not all encompassing of the potential Div 1 playing squad.