VOLUME 25, 8 APRIL 2016

Welcome to the Sub-standard for 2016, the official weekly newsletter of the AUFC

It promises to be packed to the brim with information, results, and thinly veiled attempts at embarrassing sound-to-mediocre footballers.

With our first matches under way this week the future of blacks football is looking sparkling, just like the glitter gloss lipsmacker SPOC shares around the change rooms before a match (I hear amethyst sour grape is popular). Speaking of the spooners, the A and B graders will be re-igniting the age old rivalry this weekend in a series of trial matches at Bob Neil #1 from 11:30am. 

The Div 7's will be spending the equivalent of a fortnightly centrelink payment on petrol to play out at Salisbury Downs. Salisbury NSE&W look to be a strong force at home, with ASADA being pre-occupied with Essendon and Collingwood during the off-season. But travelling may be an issue for them this year unless at least one of their team members wins an appeal to get their license back.

The Chards go up against PHOS Camden this week at Fos's Farm. Great choice of team mascot for PHOS in the phantom, it really represents their unique ability to absolutely disappear during key moments of matches. 

The Double headed snake which is now the Girl Guides teams begin their two pronged attack on premiership glory this Sunday at Uni Oval from 12:30pm. Their seasons begin after a number of our girls played in an exhibition match before the execution of Port Adelaide last week. Unconfirmed reports are stating Ken Hinkley has privately inquired about making a swap to the female leagues, with the girls showing a better understanding of pressure acts than the mosaic of absenteeism which was Port Adelaide on the weekend.

All in all this weekend looks to be a promising start to the season for the footy club, and by promising I mean the opposite to what the future of any B@stards player looks like following President's Keg (read below for a report).
May Bob Be With You.

President's Keg report

The 2016 President's Keg  (a B@stard's perspective)

For many of us, last week was yet another 4-day week as the festivities of the President's Keg meant that Friday was a complete and utter write-off. Work and university commitments were pushed aside to celebrate the beginning of another year of AUFC pride and arrogant recklessness. For the first time that I can recall, the President was actually absent from the whole affair and punishment was harshly but fairly meted out to young Eddie to atone for his father's sin. 

'Free beer' usually comes with a catch and for some first-year players that were unfortunate enough to be sitting on the B@stards' table, the catch was being forced to scull the aforementioned beer whenever one of the more senior (but less mature) players told them. It was this blind willingness to appease their future teammates that sealed the fate of two fresh B@stards, McLovin' (real name unknown) and Early Finn-isher (Finn Marshall). McLovin' gets the 2016 Johannes van Reesma Award for unquestioningly following orders to drink, until he threw up on himself where he sat.

This highly prestigious award goes to the first-year player that demonstrates such an eagerness to prove themselves at President's Keg that that bodily excretions are irrelevant and ignored. Early Finn-isher has also singled himself out as being a potential protégé for me to mould and shape in my own image after he got kicked out of the Havey very early in the piece and slapped with a 24-hour ban from the premises. Baby steps…baby steps...

The B@stards went on to prove their social worth and lack of respect for weekdays by kicking on at Fat Controller, a strange and scary place that I do not fully comprehend, much like how Tyro and Dr. Reid struggled to fit in at Electric Circus when I was younger and dragged them there in years gone by.

Whilst they might not realise it yet, for a first-year player their inaugural President's Keg marks the beginning of lifelong friendships and camaraderie that will be forged over years of playing footy, gulping down some of Bob Neil's finest and smashing glasses at the sponsor pub. If the enthusiasm on display last week is any indication of what is to come, 2016 is looking like a mightily fun year for the AUFC. Go Blacks.

May Bob be with you


Greys Snippets

With Substandard now in the loose editorial hands of the Gen Y crew, led by E-Dadds, Alf Stewart, our UK correspondent Seags and the recently returned Rocky Jnr, as the ex-ed I thought it worth having a segment each week for our more senior members and supporters. Something a little more sophisticated, in a relative sense, for those of you just don’t get what the fk these young folk are on about. 

It’s been another busy off-season at the Blacks, with lots of work and planning done in many areas of the club under the wise direction of President Dadds, VP Sharls and Chairman Easter Beilby. We also welcome a few new committee members, including Toad DeCure returning to the club as Chair of the Finance Committee, which also includes Poodle Pitto in the highly sought after role as Treasurer and Langers as Dep Treasurer.

Some of you may have worked out the we turn 100 + GST this year, which means we should probably revisit the centenary book now that we are also back in Div 1 and can wipe from history that little period between 2008-2013. It also means that we should have some celebrations for what is another nice milestone in the clubs history. Of course, in true Blacks fashion sweet FA is planned at this point but stay tuned for info on a big Saturday at the club followed by old school Hold your Bowlies. We will also be celebrating some big premiership reunions, including the 76, 86 and 96 A grade flags.

On field we probably look ok, but really who knows until we start. I’ll provide more info on the A and B grade squads next week in preparation for their first game against the Tarnished Spooners, but across the whole club we have in excess of 55 clearances into the club and relatively few exits to other clubs, with most departures due to the annual stampede of young folk out of Adelaide to different pastures. Mind you, with over 200 registered players at the club and only 1 team playing last week, Scum Coach Bunny Warren somehow still managed to find himself short of players on the morning of the match! Very Scum. We also welcome our 2nd womens team this year, which is fantastic news for the club, but say adios for now to the Greys team.

So we’re once again 9 teams for 2016, comfortably the biggest senior AFL club in the state, if not the universe.

There are some BIG items to put in your calendar:
  • Friday 22nd of April - AUFC v Henley under lights at Bob Neil # 1. Forget about Bob Neil # 3 on a Friday night, Uni Oval is the place to be. Lets get a huge crowd for our first home game of the year.
  • Friday the 13th of May – LONG LUNCH at the Boat Club. Once again we are coinciding this annual event with the Crows only Friday night match of the year. That said, at this point we have no confirmation of venue, no catering and no guest speaker, so there is still a bit to organise but I’m backing us in to get it done. For now, just wipe out the afternoon in your calendar – “Networking Function” always works for me.
Also stay tuned for our membership email and inevitable follow up phone call, together with an exclusive wine drive courtesy of Angoves Family Winemakers. That’ll do for now as I have to save some material for coming weeks. Go the Blacks.


Matty Murdock has been questioned by police over his role in the trashing of Corey Bernardi's office last week. Unfortunately it was a case of mistaken identity, with AU Student Representative Council President and well known campus Socialist Tom Gilchrist quickly releasing a statement taking responsibility. You can see where the confusion arose. 

Johannes' Get in the game' van feastma aka Kramer back at it again.

Adelaide Uni v ANU  Intervarsity Match Report

(Match report provided by Hazard Jamieson)

After checking out the Mt. Ainslie Lookout and the Australian War Memorial, Charlie ‘it’s a (red) mitsi honey’ Mintz was disappointed we didn’t have time to watch a few Bills being passed in Parliament. ‘Martini Man’ Dearing was elected Vice-Captain for being a great bloke and a quality footballer, but forget those ‘important’ traits, he proved himself as a Blacks leader by drinking a pregame breakfast martini.

Running out after being told a few useless footy clichés and having the underlying expectation that the opposition would be ANUseless, it was no surprise that the Blacks where flat and two goals down at the first change. In hindsight, Coach Jamieson really should have recorded and replayed ‘Coach Camporeale’ Antoniadis’ concise, professional and inspiring pre-match address from the Melbourne University game. 

‘Masterchef’ Trotta, ‘The Pig’ Penniment, ‘The Wall’ Grocke gave the Blacks some much needed run and skilful disposal to create the opportunity for ‘The G-Train’ Baker (who kicked a bullsh*t snap from the pocket) and the ‘Condor’ Healy to combine for six goals in the second quarter. 

In the third, the Martini Man was clearly under the influence showing no regard for his own safety when he backed into a pack to impact a contest. Ya Mum’s Ya Dad also set a good example smothering a kick - with his face. Coach Jamieson said to ‘The Redeemer’ Maughan at training if he could nail a tough set shot from the boundary, he could play a quarter forward – he slotted it, played a quarter forward and didn’t register a score. Drake’s hit “‘Back to Back’ pocket” could be heard at ¾ time as The Redeemer was sent to defence, where he kicked a set shot goal in the fourth –go figure. After two trainings, seven quarters of footy and a big bonding session at Sugar - the Intervarsity team finally clicked and turned a nine point ¾ lead into a comprehensive 38-point victory.

Play of Day: ‘Saverio Rocca’ Duhne dodged an Owl in the defensive 50 and handpassed to ‘Pins’ Stewart who laced out Kahlua & Milk who kicked to Max ‘Coach’s Pet’ Jamieson (playing full-back at the time; I’m the worst brother ever) who found ‘Drinking (w)anchor’ Johnston on the goal-line who went back to slot it through. 

Adelaide University Blacks                 13    6    84
Australian National University Owls        7    4    46

Goals: Healy 5,Baker 4,Trotta,Dadds,Johnston,Maughan 1 

Best: Healy,Grocke,Trotta,Johnston,Reeve,Baker,Penniment



Saturday 9th April

A and B grade Trials v SPOC @ Uni Oval from 11:30am

Sexy Pimp and the C-Men (Div 7) v Salisbury NSE&W @ Salisbury Downs Sin Drome (Salisbury Downs Oval) 2.15pm

Robert Reid and the Brady Bunch (Div 7R) v Salisbury Downs Sin Drome (Salisbury Downs Oval) 12.15pm

The Chardonnay Socialists (C1) v Fos Williams @Fos’s Farm (Camden Oval) 2.15pm

The B*stards (C3) BYE
The Scum (C5) BYE

Sunday 10th April

Div 1 Girl Guides V Angle Vale @ Uni Oval 2:30pm

Div 2 Girl Guides v Mount Lofty @ Uni Oval 12:30pm

Player Sponsors Wanted

It's that time of year again and a few kids are till in search of a player sponsor.

If you can help out and keep an A/B grader clothed for his matches and insured if he gets injured, please contact 'the Evolution' Will Evans at williammgevans@gmail.com


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A/B Grade Guernsey Numbers

The A and B grade playing list (with Guernsey Numbers) is available here for those who have requested player numbers when attending games. There are a number of players moving in and out of these teams but we have done our best to cover most players. However, we do apologise if this is not all encompassing of the potential Div 1 playing squad.


Please send through to football@theblacks.com.au












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