Courtesy of Rocky Austin and UK Correspondent Gorilla Seagrim
Greetings fellow Blackmen and Blackwomen.
Here we go. Brace yourselves. Enjoy the company of others. Talk to strangers. Clench your buttocks. Do all the fun stuff.
Because it’s time for the first proper Substandard of the year.
Every AUFC team has prepared themselves for this moment. They’ve revved their compatriots up. They’ve lied to their coaches to convince them they’ve always played forward pocket. They’ve lied to their girlfriends to convince them they’ve only ever played hide the sausage on weeknights.
But here we go.
Let’s get f*&%$ing fired up.
In the words of Shane Crawford “that’s what I’m talking about!!”
In the words of Meatloaf at a grand final.. “aodhfaoidfhoaidhfoadfhoadhf”
In the words of Rolf Harris “fiddly diddly dee”
That’s right. The mighty AUFC is ready for a fully blown assault on the other sub-par football clubs.
Speaking of sub-par, St Peters had a bit of fun midweek.
And by sub-par, I mean completely devoid of rational thought. There’s only so many ways esteemed alumni can spin the headline “Adelaide private school students in knife incident at camp”.
But we’re not here to poke fun at the expense of others.
This week we’re here to celebrate the fact that the substandard and the AUFC season is back for another year.
This week, 6 out of our 9 teams take on the Tarnished Spooners with the B@stards curtain raising the A+B grade matches at Bob Neil #3 (Park 9) whilst the Scum, 7 Reserves and C Grade perform hosting duties on Bob Neil # 2. Elsewhere the Chards take on Phos Williams at Phos's Farm while the Girl Guides take a leave of absence from bowlies to play North Pines away next to Globe Derby Park on Saturday night.
We all know the possible carnage that can ensue when the Scum and the B@stards are allowed to start drinking at midday so to throw some fuel on the fire and celebrate the start of the season for all teams this week it's a SUPER BOWLIES!!! Hosted by none other than perennial Club Captain Tex Walker, Super Bowlies is kicking off at the Havey at 6:30pm and it should be a fantastic show. Unconfirmed reports of low-grade teams already creating havoc with pre-season "team bonding" events means that this Saturday night will be a messy affair and you'll be kicking yourself if you miss it. If the mighty AUFC go 6-0 against the Tarnished Spooners we may be in need of a new sponsor pub.
3 AFL alumni.
1 registered sex offender.
Yep, this is the club you want to play for.
We all play for the white V
We all play for our mates,
But most importantly?
We play for Bob.
May Bob Be With You.
Hold Your Bowlies kicks off for 2016 with SUPER BOWLIES
For any Bowlies debutants who aren’t quite sure what to expect – start with President’s Keg event you have hazy memories of, triple the crowd, many of whom are pumped after belting the tarnished spooners that day and aren’t restricted by having to rock up to work the next day….. It gives you a good idea of how the first hour might look before things really take off!
So make sure you have enough browny points with your significant other/parents/boss to be free of care when you walk into the atrium (area out the back) of the General Havelock at 6.30pm.
$20 entry gets you plenty of beer and cider, great entertainment from record breaking AUFC Club Captain Tex Walker, plenty of sing-song’ing, awesome times with your team mates and a Sunday of mostly regrets.
Snippets of Grey
First of all, most important news is that the Long Lunch is locked in for Friday the 13 May. More details early next week on how to reserve your spot, guest speakers, charity partner etc.
Righto we’re finally ready for round 1 of Division 1 & 1 reserves football, which also means the Chardonnays and B*stards make their long awaited season debuts as well. Although at least the late start to the year meant that the both groups could commence their pre-season after the Easter break, with a bonding session at Wolverine’s pub of course.
For the A grade Showgirls and B grade Budgie Smugglers, it’s been a slightly longer pre-season that commenced for many back in November. It’s also been a varied pre-season, with the Adelaide Uni students amongst the group participating in Intervarsity Games against Melbourne Uni here and ANU in Canberra. Hats off to Alf Stewart, Hazard Jamo, E Dadds and Campo Antoniadis for the work they did in putting that group together, which created history by beating Melbourne Uni (by 14 goals no less) for the first time in recorded history. If anyone can recall the last time let me know. It goes to show just what can be achieved in an Intervarsity game when you play without a raging hangover or half a dozen cans before the game, something we haven’t actually tried before this year. You live and learn.
Senior Squad Ins and Outs
Anyway, back to the Senior Squad, which has seen a number of BOOM recruits from all over the shop join us in the offseason, including:
• Lachie ‘lil cock’ Roach – returning from OS
• Willy ‘The Interior Designer’ Paynter – returning from the double blues
• Nick ‘Welcome Back’ Cottrell – Bendigo Pioneers
• Apech ‘Fever’ Deng – Ingle Farm
• Jonty ‘Son of Sarge’ Schulz – Bridgewater
• Toby ‘Tuna’ Maughan – Tasman
• Ethan ‘Michael’ Moore – Centrals juniors & Tanunda
• Braden ‘lil divots’ Robinson – St Iggies
• Jack ‘John Maynard’ Keynes – Walkerville/Pembroke
• Michael ‘Duke’ Newcombe – The B*stards via SPOC
• Ryan ‘The Choo Choo Man’ Sammut – South Launceston
• Nick ‘Fuddy’ Duddy – Returning from overseas
• Tim ‘David’ Cameron – Barossa District
• Matthew ‘c’mon feel the noize’ Slade – Barossa District
• Jack ‘Jumpin Jack’ McGowan - Pembroke
• Sam ‘grievous bodily’ Harms – Pembroke
Aside from Dengy Fever, who has tweaked a groin, most of the others above are making their debuts this weekend so Bob will be wishing them well. The Fever is a good story actually…many of us at the club spend hours making 100s of phone calls and emails in the off-season chasing potential recruits, especially those with a bit of height. Most of it to no avail. And then, out of nowhere, the Fever, all 6ft 5 of him, wanders into the parklands looking for a club to play at and then has a great pre-season to potentially lead the ruck for the A grade after playing Giggle Farm C4 last year!
There are many others starting out in the mid-low grades who we also expect will push for selection in the As and Bs as the season progresses. One who won’t be is Shelley Fulton, Div 3 medallist from 2014 with the very old ignatians, who the Chardonnays have very quietly snuck into their fold.
Typical Chardonnay. We also welcome back club favourites Sharle-leu-jah and Andy Mcintyre (post honeymoon) from injury and unavailability last year.
As always we have a few departures as well, and we bid thee farewell for now:
• Ben Smelt – 1 year loan to play with his cousin at Moonta
• Tom Eldredge – back home to play Waikerie
• Joel Fladrich – moved to Waikerie for work
• Michael Quin – moved to Mildura for work
• Harrison Gloyne – Bute
• Ryan Agnew – moved to Whyalla for work
• Cameron Slape – moved back home to Hatherleigh
• Chris Black – interstate for study
• Nick Gill – interstate for work
• Brad Davis – focusing on Cricket career
• Jimmy Watson – having a year off
Some great clubmen amongst this lot so we thank them sincerely for their service and look forward to some of them returning next year and the others popping through for a beer at BN1 when they’re in town. We also look forward to them joining the Greys!
Dates for the Diary
Now just a couple of key reminders for your diary again:
Friday 22nd of April - AUFC v Henley under lights at Bob Neil # 1. Friday the 13th of May – LONG LUNCH at the Boat Club. Saturday 28th of May – 1996 A grade premiership reunion
The last item there is a new one, as decided by Mad Dog and Mile Hi. More detail to come but just place in your diaries for now, especially Bad Man and crew in Sydney. Speaking of reunions, the 86 lads are planning a season of reunions, starting with the Long Lunch. For the Almanacas amongst you (you know, those “please comment ta” links), you will have noted that Swish Schwerdt has somehow located a blow by blow account of the 86 season as penned by prominent journo Gordon Agars, who followed the team for the year. Go to www.footyalmanac.com.au for regular articles, but I thought the Round 1 report against the Tarnished Spooners from 30 years ago is worth including today (look out for great reference to Boz in his 1st, and unfortunately not last, season as team manager).
Blast from the Past: April 12 – 1986: Round 1
A1 Griff’s Gorillas – Adelaide Uni 17.14 def PAOC 12.9 (PAC)
Goalkickers: A Hancock 9, Dadds 3, Bland, Eckert, Huston, Miller-Smith, McDonough
Best Players: A Hancock, A Parker, Huston, Gallagher, Eckert, Schulz
I spend a pleasant Round 1 afternoon with the Blacks’ President, Mark Schwartz (not to be confused with that unfunny bandy-legged Swish bloke who makes up the numbers in the Sty Council). The Ones, who are still searching for an appropriate nickname (Griff’s Gorillas is the current epithet), are playing away against Prince Alfred Old Collegians, or in Uni-speak, the “Tarnished Spooners”.
Schwartz’s father Merv was a long-time colleague of mine at the Adelaide Agitator, SA’s quality broadsheet and valued alternative to the News Limited afternoon chip wrapper (long may it continue).
Match Report of the week
The match report round 1 The Scum 2nd April (better late than never)
The scum starts ever year full of hope, with fresh new faced recruits, picked by the coach on promise and agreeing to play ignorant of the clubs prejudice against the lowest team. However nothing in their pre-season amongst the beautifully manicured surrounds of Park ten was to prepare them for the wasteland of Golden Grove.
Golden Grovel’s home ground is not somewhere that would previously have graced their Iphone mapping apps and there is nothing clever or ironically hipster about the tattoos and beards north of Payneham road. But off they set old and new to represent the blacks as the only team playing on round - 1.
They battled hard in lukewarm atmospheric conditions, but by half way through the game looked gone, the bench was depleted from injury and disinterest and things were looking grim. This was only made worse when the agitator was knocked out cold late in the second quarter resulting in a facial reconstruction, although this may help to make him look less like an 12 year old boy with grey hair.
This is traditionally a time for the scum to throw in the pastel towel instead they dug deep and despite being 4 goals down at three quarter time they kicked the first couple of the last quarter and looked an outside chance. This proved a false dawn, ultimately the lack of a bench and well general scumliness stalled the comeback and GG ran out winners 13. 8 86 to the scum 7.7 49
Best players: Patrick Patty O’Leary, Seb Cletus Gray, Michael Jordon Campbell, The Agitator, The Dictator (Muso) and BOG Nathan Lawry Lawrence
Goal kickers: Doc 2, Howie 1, Lang Hand-cock 1, Lawry Lawrence 1, Sam the human highlight reel Lawrence 1, Chimp Martinson* 1
Little known fact that Bridgy is actually the star of the music video for Hot Chip - I feel better. Classic tune - even better that a blacks legend features in it..
This look a like proudly sponsored by google reverse image search. Proudly using complex algorithms to poke fun at fellow blackmen.
Toby 'The Redeemer' Maughan
2016 Key Dates
April 16 – First Hold Your Bowlies, Super Bowlies May 13 - Long Lunch May 21 – Super Bowlies upstairs at the Havelock May 28 - 1996 Premiership Reunion June 4 – Ladies Day at Uni Oval July 2 – Blacks Ball July 30– Clubs night at the Havelock August 28 – Super Sunday at the Havelock October 7 – Annual Dinner
Div 7 (Sexy Pimp and his C-Men) 5.7.37 defeated by Salisbury NSE&W 14.6.90
Goal Kickers: S. Hutton, P. Hyde, D. Davis, D. McIntosh, A. Ireland
Best Players: S. Bondio, F. Slape, J. Barr, P. Hyde, D. McIntosh, J. McGowan
Div 7R (Robert Reid and The Brady Bunch) 14.16.100 defeated Salisbury NSE&W 8.7.55
Goal Kickers: -
Best Players: -
Div C3 (The Scum) 7.7.49 defeated by Golden Grovel 13.8.86
Goal Kickers: S. Philpot 2, N. Lawrence, R. Lang, A. Howard, S. Lawrence
Best Players: N. Lawrence, S. Musolino, D. Tofan, J. Campbell, P. O''Leary
Open Women’s Div 1 (Bob Neil’s Girl Guides) 16.11.107 defeated Angle Fail 3.5.23
Goal Kickers: K. Barltrop 5, K. Harvey 4, J. Edwards 2, R. Wallace 2, S. Richardson 2, C. Tsoumbris
Best Players: K. Harvey, K. Barltrop, W. Benson, J. Edwards, C. Tsoumbris, R. Wallace
Open Women’s Div 2 (Bob Neil’s Girl Guides 2) 2.8.20 defeated by Mt Lofty 10.8.68
Goal Kickers: F. Clancey, T. Lee
Best Players: Z. Anthony, T. Lee, J. Dickie, J. Keipert, B. Corver, E. O''Dea
Saturday 16th May
Black Jack & the Showgirls (Div 1) v Tarnished Spooners @ Bob Neil #4 (Park 9) 2.15pm
Super Gav and the Budgie Smugglers (Div 1R) v Tarnished Spooners @ Bob Neil #4 (Park 9) 12.15pm
Sexy Pimp and the C-Men (Div 7) v Tarnished Spooners @ Bob Neil #2 (Park 10) 2.15pm
Robert Reid and the Brady Bunch (Div 7R) v Tarnished Spooners @ Bob Neil #2 (Park 10) 12.15pm
The Chardonnay Socialists (C1) v Fos Williams @Fos’s Farm (Camden Oval) 2.15pm
The B*stards (C3) v Tarnished Spooners @Bob Neil #4 10.15am
The Scum (C3) v Tarnished Spooners @ Bob Neil #2 (Park 10) 10.15am
Bob Neil's Girl Guides 1 (Div 1) BYE
Bob Neil’s Girl Guides 2 (Div 2) v North Pines For a Win @Paint Pot Park (Andrew Smith Reserve) 6pm
Player Sponsors Wanted
It's that time of year again and a few kids are till in search of a player sponsor.
If you can help out and keep an A/B grader clothed for his matches and insured if he gets injured, please contact 'the Evolution' Will Evans at email@example.com
The A and B grade playing list (with Guernsey Numbers) is available here for those who have requested player numbers when attending games. There are a number of players moving in and out of these teams but we have done our best to cover most players. However, we do apologise if this is not all encompassing of the potential Div 1 playing squad.