Welcome to the Sub-standard for 2015, the official weekly newsletter of the AUFC.
It promises to be packed to the brim with information, results, and thinly veiled attempts at embarrassing sound-to-mediocre footballers.
The Social Grades kicked us off last week, and what a kick off it was, with three of the four teams that played getting some points in the win column.
An ideal start would have been 4 from 4, but as the mother of the Selwood brothers will testify, three out of four success stories aint bad (Sorry Troy).
This week the high rollers that are the A and B grade sides will strut their stuff against the fortress that is Ross and Trevor.
From the sounds of things, the senior squad has been smashing out a pre-season regime so vigorous that it’s enough to make Idi Amin flinch- meaning the Blacks are perfectly poised heading into the first game of their premiership year.
The club also looks forward to it’s first official Hold Your Bowlies for the year on Saturday night, and as SportsBet have closed the market on “Will Tom Milton embarrass himself”, all are looking at other value bets for the evening.
Dirty is currently paying $1.35 to don the same pear of maroon chinos he has been wearing since the Cold War, while Josh Stewart has shortened into $2.10 for the ‘tightest shirt of the evening’. Money for jam.
This weekend there’s a TRIPLE HEADER at University Oval- so there’s no shortage of high quality* football to enjoy over a muggy weekend. For those of you heading over to Bob Neil # 3 to watch the Cows v Dees, feel free to pop over post match to the Long Room to watch the conclusion of the C-Men with the comfort of a $5 red can instead of a $9 plastic cup.
It’s an exciting time of the year to be a Black!
*Perceived quality of football is directly proportionate to amount of Tinnies consumed
Round 2 Fixture
Black Jack & the Showgirls (Div 1) v Ross & Trevor @ The Reformatory 2.15pm
Super Gav and the Budgie Smugglers (Div 1R) v Ross & Trevor @ The Reformatory 12.15pm
Sexy Pimp and the C-Men (Div 7) v Hout & About @ Bob Neil #1 (Uni Oval) 2.15pm
The Kenny Everett Video Show (Div 7R) v Hout & About @ Bob Neil #1 (Uni Oval) 12.15pm
The Chardonnay Socialists (C1) v Goodwood Sinners @ Sin Stadium (Goodwood Oval) 10.15am
The B*stards (C2) v Flagon of Portland @ Bob Neil #1 10.15am
The Scum (C3) v Hitler Youth @ The Bunker (South Parklands) 10.15am
Bob Neil's Girl Guides BYE
A Grade Season Preview – from JP
Our pre season acknowledgement that there is only 2 types of footballers in SA, was a large success. Those 2 types of player being of course are 1) existing Blackers and 2) Wanna Be Blackers. This years theme in season proper is for our players to be players who team mates enjoy calling team mates.
The off season saw favourite sons George Hurley Wellington and Jack Lewis move interstate and return overseas respectively. In fairness however, Jack was our vice captain last year and played only the first game but was awarded with umpires votes. George was one of three Blackers to play SANFL matches last year with the Crows SANFL side. The other two Blackers to do so were Will Paynter and Jack Greiger. We have lost Will to the Double Blues but realise he is merely there to keep in contact to recruit the likes of Wundke and Bartlett back to the Blacks in due course as well as infiltrate some others. Congrats to Will on his Double Blues League debut. Jack Grieger declined an invitation to continue with the Crows to concentrate on his efforts at The Blacks.
Nick Langridge played only 2 games with us last year and many more in the Sturt Reserves. Nick has decided to be with us full time and will also put pressure on his younger brother next year to join us.
Nick, along with Jack Grieger, Nick Beneke and Brodie Borg have been selected in an initial SAAFL U23 squad.
Returning to The Blacks from years gone by are Brad Davis from cricket, Chris Black from West Adelaide and Sam Krieg from injury. Jack Noonan is a former state U23 SAAFL representative who has joined us from SHOC largely as a result of one of our Blacks Community providing an Employment opportunity. Brett Simpson has joined us from Broadview upon the advice from Beneke and Grieger and has a kick that does all left footers proud.
First year players who will press for Round 1 for selection in the Div 1 side include Sam Penniment from Pembroke, 6' 7" Damon Robinson from Iggies and Harrison Gloyne. Harrison is still U18 but has played Senior football at Kapunda while boarding at Immanuel last year. Indirectly from the Blacks association with the Crows, first year players to The Blacks who will push for Div 1 selection are Aidan Offe and Jordan Tronnolone. If there is a faster player with as many tattoos as Jordan, then let that player identify himself to arrange a foot race. Brad Watson is another new to the Blacks from a distinguished Junior career in NSW. Brad is also training with the Crows SANFL side and remains under 19.
Our best recruit however may well be Chad McLaren our Physical Conditioning Leader who brings a wealth of expertise from Norwood in the SANFL and more recently experience from the WAFL.
As excited as we are to have the above listed new or returning players, we are thrilled to have retained our core group of experienced leaders jets from last year with the exception of Andrew McIntrye upon whom we have not given up hope. In middle ground, Nick Gill has announced that his body won't be allowing him to play every game but we are just lucky to know him and welcome any magic moments only he can provide. We have largely avoided the great migration East this year, as opposed to last, but we do bid farewell to great club-man from Scum to Showgirls, Dan “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Football Ability” Crouch, who has moved to Sydney.
We also hope to have Simon Sharley, Monty Swift and Darcy Bateman move from the Rehab Group sooner than later though the ever popular Dan Weekly may remain with off field duties for much or all of the season.
The playing group met the new full time Umpires coach last weekend and must have been grateful for the early feedback that a bare chested Beneke and an animated Boz was able to provide!
It has been a long pre season with much on field and off field effort for which I am happily prepared to single our Footy Director Adrian Howard for his tireless efforts between surfs. Can’t wait to jump on the seasons roller coaster and turn it into a bandwagon. Jump on early and stay there.
Brett Simpson – Broadview
Nick Langridge – Sturt
Jack Noonan – SHOC & Westies
Chris Black – Westies
Brad Davis – returning from UK
Sam Krieg – returning from injury
Brad Watson – NSW/ACT juniors
Harrison Gloyne – Immanuel
Jackson Dearing – Trinity
Sam Penniment – Pembroke
Aiden Offe – Juniors
Jordan Tronnolone – Payneham
George Hurley-Wellington – Melbourne
Dan Crouch – Sydney
Andre Mcintyre – Police duties
Will Paynter – Sturt
Brant Ellis - Glenunga
Angels brought me here Oscar Leonard? When Doves Cry?
Tofe from the Scum. Saving kids from trains in his spare time.
Div 7 (Sexy Pimp & the C-Men) 16.15.111 defeated Mitchell Car Park 10.5.71:
Goal Kickers: J. Connell 6, D. Trezise 3, J. Fitzgerald 2, D. Polkinghorne 2, J. Cmrlec 1, F. Slape 1, A. Ireland 1
Best Players: J. Connell, T. Chalk, J. Cmrlec, Z. Melzner, D. Trezise, F. Slape
On the serious side, we had a first up win against a mob looking to redeem themselves after having to resort to Marxism just to survive 2014 (Karl Marx Uni provided their B-grade for the year). The game started at a cracking pace on a beautiful day for football with the C-Men pretty well dominant but highly inaccurate in front of goal. We led at half time, but with 5.10 on the board had burnt some opportunities to kill the game off early. The Car Park challenged throughout the second half and the C-Men responded each time, finding their goal kicking accuracy to finish with 16.15 and running out 8-goal winners. Bob Neil cracked a red can.
On the funnier side, nothing at all had changed at Mitchell Park since the Blacks were last there in 2013. The change room rivals Kill Burn Maim & Destroy’s for the sheer ridiculousness of how small it is, the siren is powered by a car battery (it might even be a steering wheel from the local chop shop) and their nicknames are gold – cries of Schitz! Schitz! Schitz! and Ballsack! Ballsack! Ballsack! (whose mullet, by the way, was A-grade in quality) kept the Blacks faithful amused. All they needed was a Simon Stop Playing with your Dixon.
On the “typically Blacks” side, not even having 278 players available for 4 sides could prevent the coaches from selecting blokes not available because they usually cut their toenails at 2:45 on a Saturday afternoon. It wouldn’t be the Blacks if the 21 selected at the President’s Keg (thanks Daddsy) took the field on Saturday.
Congrats to new Blacks Men James Connell (6 goals on debut), Caleb Desmet and Andrew Riley (the main goal missing culprit in the first half with 0.4) on making the BPs. And welcome to other new Blacks Men Steven Bondio and Ayden Roberts.
Round 2 should be a cracker as Out ‘n’ About come to Bob Neil #1 looking to avenge their prelim final defeat by the C-Men last year.
Div 7Reserves (Robert Reid & the Brady Bunch) 14.19.103 defeated Mitchell Car Park 3.2.20
Goal Kickers: B. Cross 3, F. Hayward 2, J. Brazil 1, B. Stevenson 1, B. Browne 1, D. Conier 1,
G. Ruth 1, R. Laidlaw 1
Best Players: B. Cross, J. Brazil, B. Stevenson, M. Schutz, R. Laidlaw
Div C2 (The B*stards) 8.4.52 defeated by Flinders Park for Paedophiles 8.4.52
Goal Kickers: T. Milton 2, B. Collins 2, D. Gallagher 1, S. Henderson 1, J. Harrison 1, A. Howes 1
Best Players: C. Ovenden, H. Ball, T. Seagrim, C. Gregg, A. Bate, B. Christy.
The opening round of 2015 saw the B@stards take on Flinders Park on the pristine oval of park 10. Sunshine coupled with little to no wind had the bastards salivating at the prospect of serving up their signature champagne style of football.. alas after a promising start with Captain Pinecones goaling from 50 to open the quarter Flinders Park proceeded to grapple the champagne bottle from the b@stards hands and spray it everywhere, nailing home the next 5 goals to nil to finish the quarter.
The B@stards fought back over the following quarters, putting in effort to match Flinders park with the margin only slightly slipping out until the final quarter where flinders park smashed the bottle in emphatic style to notch a significant win.
Highlights from the match included:
• Kit 'Hooters' Ovenden’s enthusiasm in his first ever game of football – highlighted by his eagerness to get the ball moving where by he played on straight into the man standing the mark.
• Henry got a hand or two on the Ball, who playing on a man who looked like the could eat his weight in balfours finest remained calm and collected and managed to get a touch or two.
• Steaming Semen Seagrim’s slow build into the contest - he barely got a wiff of it in the first quarter but proceeded to build into a nice, rolling head of steam by the last.
• Paddles Gregg who after 6 months of talking himself up, managed to talk his way onto the field in the second quarter, where he performed admirably (rumor has it he might even get on the ground at some point during the first quarter)
• Master Bate’s bulldozing performance at centre half forward which he followed up with his best Nat Fyfe impression playing as a big bodied midfielder for the second half
• Blake Christy Swan’s blatant disregards for his own safety in the back pocket
• Finally a special mention must go to another b@stard playing his first ever game of football with Jim “I shoot straighter than Harrison Ford” who kicked a nice goal - the first of many to come from the forward pocket in the 3rd quarter
Div C3 (The Scum) 10.16.76 defeated Robert Mitchum 11.6.72
Goal Kickers: P. Malinauskas 3, N. Lawrence 2, A. Butler 1, T. Nguyen 1, T. Dean 1, A. Beneke 1, D. Tofan 1
Best Players: D. Jean, D. Tofan, P. Malinauskas, A. Beneke, S. Kesic, S. Lawrence
Phew…that was close. There weren’t any ‘touching cloth’ moments but you couldn’t say that it was comfortable either. SCUM is now and always has been a notoriously slow starting football team and this Round 1 clash kept to form.
It should have been easy. The day was beautiful, the deck was fair and the opponent was a classical SAAFL lower grade punching bag. Inboxingterms this should have been a Joe Fraser v Joe Bugner clash. The outcome should have been a given. Instead, it was a scrap, a delicious scrap. Mitcham always play an enthusiastic brand of footy in round 1, besides, they have completed a full 3-month preseason and hold a candle of hope for the year. SCUM doesn’t, in fact, as per usual in April, the team hardly knew each others names and no one had trained much, well not together anyway.
The game started at 10:15am and most of the team was there by 10am so we were pretty serious. After a year’s hiatus from a glorious premiership, I grabbed the names on my well-procured list and threw them on the $2 ‘Cheap as Chips’ whiteboard like a masterly pokies victim. We started. We were shit. I had somehow hidden four Chardonnay Socialists in my team atselection and that still didn’t help. We looked like a tentative mosh pit of hopelessness. Somehow we were up at quarter time. This is where I reiterate the ‘Shiteness’ of Mitcham. How the ‘F’ can they not be killing us. Seriously. We were a rabble.
Things changed in the second. After reassessing the board and watching the 1st quarter circle work, things became as clear as mud. Jeano was bored at FF and needed a run…straight to the guts, Cohen was scary sober…he joined Jeano. Mally was still beaming from fresh fatherhood, he wanted to take a grab at CHF…problem fixed and the machine started to click. Hung-Tri formerly known as Deer Hunter carved, Sammy Lawrence was fending beautifully on the wing, Tofe was agitating, Doc marshaled the defence and the set up worked. We were in control. It was a lot better.
Half time came about and the guys seemed relaxed. By now, most of them knew each other and the mojo was bubbling.
Then the Mitcham Trade Wind kicked in, blowing aone-knot gale and the scoreboard showed it. We kicked 11 points straight! We kicked points from the goal square, from the flanks and in the pockets. When they kicked two quick counter goals…surprise surprise, we had a lead of a oily rag. Bloody annoying.
4th quarter was ok. We won a few, we lost a few but in the end justice prevailed. It was becoming a tedious arm wrestle so the siren was welcome. To win by a kick doesn’t give any sense of the games rhythm. We should have wone easily but instead we were loose with our disposal and our territory. It was ok as it is SCUM and it was Round 1 but in the future when we travel deep north or against a quick spooner outfit we will be flogged with the same output.
Best Players: Sammy Lawrence was strong, Sasha Kesic can run further than Forest Gump, Beneke was pretty good, Mally was important up front, Tofe was Tofe.
Man winning the jugs…Jeano. I reckon he would have slept well on Saturday night. Had to run all arvo and did. Cheers Jeano.
Bob Neil’s Girl Guides BYE
HOLD YOUR BOWLIES #1
It was foretold by the great Bob Neil himself that the year of 2015 would bring great success on field and off field for the Adelaide University Football Club.
With President’s Keg behind us we seek to back our solid off field form in with round 1 of Hold Your Bowlies.
To help you with HYB preparation here’s a few guns you should have on lock for your off field dream team come round 1:
• Jammo Jnr has started in rearing pre-season President’s Keg with reports saying he tagged a number of opponents with relentless pressure throughout the night.
• The Crouch Potato is a consistent performer off field. Drinking his sorrows away because of the GF Overseas. Lock this kid in your team and he will provide every week..field. .field.
• Vicks Vapour Drops is a young rookie looking to lift his form in 2015 after a standout performance at the B@rstards Annual Dinner.Vicks Vapour Drops is a young rookie looking to lift his form in 2015 after a standout performance at the B@rstards Annual Dinner.
Be there for at 6:30pm for a 7:00pm start.
Party on afterwards from 9:30 with Exclusive AUFC Drinks specials.
ANZAC DAY AT BOB NEIL #1
The AUFC and AUCC invite you to join us, to honour our players that fell in WW1. 25th April 2015. Beautiful University Oval Vs SHOC.
An absolutely fantastic day at BOB NEIL #1. Breathtaking football to tribute those who fought bravely.
B-Grade start 1:00
Followed by the unveiling of the plaque, speeches and Last Post
A-Grade start 3:15
Drinks and food available in the long room
Click here to download the flyer to spread the word!
STORIES FROM OLD MATES
At the risk of being labelled sentimental, please allow me to remember an anniversary this weekend. 40 years ago last weekend (1975 for the mathematically challenged) I was dropped to the bench in the Kings Old Collegians A3 side and sat there all day, getting cold and edgy. During the week that followed, at Uni my mate Andy McPharlin heard my lament, and said that the Blacks would give me a game in a champion team. Sure enough, there was my name on the cloisters wall pinup board that Friday morning, so I raced off to Motley and Greer and bought a guernsey and my Mum sewed "No. 2" on the back of it. 40 years ago this coming weekend I turned up at Wiegall Oval (against the Greeks) without having trained, to join the Trevor Nagel "A8 - whites" (astonishing but true, we had 2 Blacks sides in the same league.)guernsey and my Mum sewed "No. 2" on the back of it. 40 years ago this coming weekend I turned up at Wiegall Oval (against the Greeks) without having trained, to join the Trevor Nagel "A8 - whites" (astonishing but true, we had 2 Blacks sides in the same league.)
My journal remembers it thus: I arrived at the oval and was introduced to the other half back flanker. We were playing away from home so we all had our white shorts on except this bloke who was introduced to me as Bob Neil. Bob had a pair of black shorts that had been washed so many times they were now grey enough to be counted as white. The next week we played at home. Bob had the same shorts on, explaining to me that they were dark enough (just) to be counted as black. Others explained that this was a way that Bob could save money, as he was a mathematician and discovered that the less you spent on new shorts, the more you could spend on West End.
We had a good win that day. And thus began a wonderful association with this club. My friendship with Andy and Bob has remained firm to this day along with a bunch from the other A8 Black side that year with whom I had the pleasure of playing in the seasons that followed.
Go the Black men this weekend.
Rick (Bizz) Sarre
“Peter Abrey, Adelaide’s now retired leading taxi driver, has moved his energy into paramedics….nice work Pete”.
"As many of you will know, I have recently survived a heart attack which occurred on the 13th tee (so they tell me!) and it was only the quick action of some of my regular playing partners (Glen Marsland, Peter Abrey, Peter Griffin, Derrick Smith, and others) that "got me to the hospital on time" and should enable me to once again return to play my favourite pastime. Thank you to everyone for your kind e-mails and cards and I look forward to dusting-off the buggy again very soon."favourite pastime. Thank you to everyone for your kind e-mails and cards and I look forward to dusting-off the buggy again very soon."
VILLERS-BRETONNEUX ANZAC DAY CUP
April 25, is an extremely special day on the Australian (and New Zealand) calendar each year. The Acronym ANZAC stands for Australia New Zealand Army Corps, and the reason that April 25th each year is so important is that it was the first time that Australia went into battle as an independent nation.
In their first mission, the Australian’s, along with the French, English Newfoundland and Indian’s, attacked the Turkish Army (Germany ally) on the Gallipoli peninsula.
Three years later to the day, Australian forces then saved the small French town of Villers-Bretonneux from German forces who were advancing.
Each year, the Australian spirit lives on in Villers-Bretonneux through the thousands of people who make the pilgrimage to the Australian National War Memorial in Villers-Bretonneux to honour those who fell while defending the town, on France’s Western Front.
The first records of Australian Rules being played in Europe was actually on the battlegrounds themselves, during World War 1, between Australian Companies and Divisions.
To honour this memory and the memory of the ANZAC’s, this year 2015 will be the 7th annual match. The game will be played between a French side, playing against an Australia team of expats based all around Europe.
Selected in the Australian team is AUFC Champion Craig “Wank” Bankes.
Bankesy was a little disappointed he couldn’t be representing the Blacks at Bob Neil#1 on Anzac Day, so pulling on the Green & Gold for Australia at Villers Bretonneux on Anzac Day was a handy backup plan.
Congratulations Bankesy, I’m sure you will do us proud. What a great honour.
The Australian Team is being coached by former Sturt player, Spooner & Annual Blacks Recruiting target Tom Rischbieth. –well done Rischy.
Congrats to Andrew Alesci who reaches the magical 151 game milestone for the club this weekend against Ross & Trevor. He reached the more broadly accepted 150 game milestone in round 18 last year but we forgot. In fact, we didn’t forget, it was bloody BOZ fault again for not inputting the A grade team on bobneil.com for the last 3 rounds.
Anyhow, we digress. Some words below from Action Man himself, Tommy “the Champ” Martin on one of the Blacks finest…
The ravages of time can be cruel to a fading memory. I can't remember the year that Andrew came to the club, or even who was coaching. I'm pretty sure he came straight into the ones early in the season from Port reserves, which at the time was an unorthodox transition. You tend to remember those factoids.
But I'll never forget his first game. We played away in the northern suburbs. Other than a lustrous, wig-like mullet, he was all teenage scrawn and sultana, with drag queen legs and twiggy little arms. In the change-rooms before the game I introduced myself. He seemed a bit shy, which was understandable.
When the game got underway, Andrew kicked a great goal early, which seemed to lift his confidence. We'd probably only got halfway through the first quarter when he started scrapping singlehandedly with what looked like the entire Pooraka backline. B*stards, I thought. Picking on the young fella like that. Wrong. Andrew had started the melee. In fact, it was the first of several he was able to arrange that day.
I liked him immediately.
In the decade or so since he has consistently been amongst the very best players at the Blacks, and a club champion. He's also been a solid social performer, although he's been helped out a fair bit here by usually having the lovely Jene-Marie at his side.
Serious injury, a chronic case of the niggles and a mining boom/bust that has sent him flying out to far reaching locations has made 150 games slow-going for Alesci. It's a thoroughly well-deserved milestone for one of the Blacks' favourite sons.
All the best, Alesc. Try to stay out of trouble.
Age: Height: Weight
31: 178cm: 80kg
Games Played: Goals Kicked:
151: not many
Junior Footy Club:
Many Juniors, U19’s Port Adelaide and D1Res for Adelaide Uni
Describe yourself as a footballer:
In and under. I like to get the hard ball.
Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr.
Favorite Player Nickname:
Gaping wet cundy
Favourite Band or Song:
Too hard to name one
Least Favourite Opposition Club:
Actually got none.
When you were 14, what poster did you have on the back of your bedroom door?
Can’t remember but probably the Adelaide Crows Footy team photo
Favourite AFL Club: AFL Player:
Adelaide Crows: Nick Gill
Of the AUFC players you have played with which Player is? Smartest: Dumbest: Funniest: Angriest: Best Looking: Coaches Pet: Most Courageous: Hairiest: Widest Playing: Worst Handballer:
Nick Beneke / Adam Pearce
Best sledge you’ve Given or received:
Received: Nice hair you uni poof. Original…
Given: Touch the ball again, I dare you!!!
Favorite Player at the Club & Why:
Tom Martin – Because he sings Action man.
Brenton Cardone – Because he’s my brother-in-law
Favourite Club Song:
Action Man. That counts as a club song doesn’t it?
Ask yourself a question and answer it:
Q: Will I get to 200 games.
A: Hopefully but it may take another 10 years
The TEAMS for the Weekend.
*PS we endeavour to be perfect, but the teams may not be up by the time you receive this email. Click to view.