To others, it’s a word that infers indestructibility.
To the Blacks, it’s a word that means that you just haven’t f*@cked with Bob Neil and got the horns yet.
The Oxford dictionary defines undefeated as: Not defeated, especially in a battle or other contest. I suppose that makes sense. But in true UFC style, Bob Neil’s AUFC were not perturbed at the task of facing Payneham last weekend.
That’s right. In true UFC style, they stood out of arms reach of a rampaging Ronda Rousey, and flukily kicked her in the head.
Luckily for all the young children, eager spectators, and competitive players involved in the game, the PNUFC ex-president took the loss in his stride and looked ahead to next week.
Lol jks he chased Cunno off the ground and attempted to headbutt him in the face.
Luckily for football altruists, the well-regarded Eastern Courier was on hand to accurately report the incident to its wider readership.
Ok so their headline was a little misleading, but at least their local photographer was on hand to catch the incident as it happened…
In lighter news, it seems we have uncovered our first JT Goose nomination for this year. For those of you that are unaware of the JT Goose and what it stands for,, it basically epitomises the person who has done the stupidest thing for the year.
Those of you who were around last year will remember the impressive feats of Stinkface Power, Bumblemouth Butler and “4x3=24” Grieger.
This year though, the first nomination goes to 'Boilhands' 'Mr Burns' Daw. Here’s how it happened.
Jimmy Daw arose from a typically arousing dream, to remember that he had football in an hour. Getting out of bed, he tucked his morning wood into his pyjamas and got ready for a typically bruise-free B@stards game.
What Boilhands didn’t remember, was that he didn’t have a mouthguard.
Now you’d think being a Saints boy and heir to a small fortune, Boilhands would be better equipped to deal with daily dilemmas than your average Kilburn footballer.
You’d think wrong.
Boilhands cracked open a new mouthguard, boiled the kettle, and got started on chopping the corners off the 4 dollar “one size fits all” gumshield that Sally from Chemplus handed to him earlier that week.
As the water bubbled, Boilhands decided the best thing to do was hold his mouthguard while it set.
I repeat. Boilhands held his mouthguard, as he poured boiling. Hot. Water. All. Over. It.
As his palms blistered and peeled, Boilhands thought that perhaps there was a more efficient way to protect his teeth from Byron Pickett and his mates at North Pines. At least he had an excuse to not get a touch that week.
What it didn’t stop him doing though, was performing a thorough cavity search on an unsuspecting female partygoer on the Fat Controller dancefloor that evening.
Snippets of Grey
Snippets of Grey will be delivered verbally today at the Looooong Lunch from 12:00 today, which will then move to the Long Room from 4pm. And then, we move to Sin Stadium tomorrow for a huge A grade game following the Father/Son/Daughter photo shoot at Uni Oval at 9am. A big 30 hours for the Greys. No time for typing...
Hold Your Bowlies
Old v Young
Experienced v Naive
8pm Bedtime v Red square close
Word is the 1986 premiership group will be attending bowlies this week after their reunion tomorrow.
Can the current blacks keep up with the former champs?
Dadds Snr v Dadds Jnr in an all out battle for best off field antics (we already know the who was better on field).Can the club president re-ignite the glory days? Can Dadds jnr continue the 3 day bender he's been on since Dyson Heppell re-signed with the bombers?
Rumours are this will be decided with a 2016 v 1986 A grade boat race.
Brad Green is hosting.
7pm out the back at the Havelock.
JT Goose Nomination
This week's JT Goose nomination goes to Jimmy Daw, (B@stards leading forward and step-brother and housemate of Rocky), known to the club as Selva Drop Dem Hot Beats who earned himself a new nickname after an incredible lack of common sense combined with a Saturday morning bedtime of 4am nearly resulted in a trip to the emergency room pre-game.
Young Dawzy found that his mouthguard was not fitting properly and decided to re-mould it. This in itself caused a problem as heating up water via the bbq in the rain was going to take longer than Richmond's 'rebuild'. Luckily and curiously, Laser Garett happened to have an electric kettle in his car and after firing up said kettle young Jimmy then placed the mouthguard under the boiling water. Jimmy's crucial error here was that he was holding the mouthguard at the time and he quickly discovered that boiling water and human flesh do not mix very well unless you're Hannibal Lecter.
To his credit he played the full match and helped the B@stards to their first victory of the year before being dropped off at the Norwood clinic for treatment.
Such an effort has earned him the new club nickname of 'Mr. Burns' which can also be used interchangeably with 'Mr. Gurns' whenever he is dropping dem hot beats at Fat Controller.
Match Report of the week
UNI > PNU
The question on everyone's lips following Saturdays home match was not how the results would shape the Premiership Ladder but something far more significant than that.
That question is simple:
Following the late withdrawal of Jonty from the most recent home match, he was seen accommodating the attention of a female companion wearing a windcheater with the name of "Sarge" upon the back of said windcheater/hoody.
Crucial question: Who was this mystery lady?
Other queries from the weekend entering into the long lead up into the Roach-Paynter Ladies Day, surround the introduction and invitation to Ladies Day of NIck 'Cottees Cordial' Cottrell's parents including mother, Sultry Sandra Sully Sandy Cottrell. Cotts, your parents live on a fruit block on the Murray. If you bring a bag of oranges on Match Day we will be only too pleased to have someone cut them into quarters.
We all watched Underbelly and lower grade teams may also be interested in other produce from your family "Fruit" block.
Confusion also reigns for most about how our Broadview trio (Grieger, Beneke and Simpson) all have such pleasant parents. Newcomer Matt Slade has also kept quiet until his father let the cat out of the bag that he has a handful of prospective attendees for Ladies Day and that the Slades have their own wine label. I'm sure Sladey will be playing As in no time.
With regard to the game itself there isn't really much to be said. We played almost exactly the type of intelligent, free-flowing football that we wish to play week-in-week-out and as a consequence got a well deserved win against a much fancied opponent. Harry "The Merl" Wellington has become one of our key cogs, and his much bigger and less mobile opponent stood little chance against his raw speed and athleticism, whilst "Cock" Roach and "Jonny Jive" Noonan again had their customary 30+ touches and enormous impact.
Bring on another powerhouse in Goodwood this week.
The 100th gamer Dan 'seagull' Polks sent this through after a few celebratory jugs at bowlies on Saturday night - it looked a whole lot more alike at the time.
Very good weekend for the World's Greatest Football Club with 6 wins and 3 losses, including a heartbreaking on-the-siren defeat for our A grade girls side against Smallsbury out at Tiny Town. The Scum continued their fantastic start to the year with a 4th loss (3rd on the trot - goooooooooddd Scum) whilst the Brady Bunch also went down in a tight encounter.
The B@stards notched up their first win for the year (and a big one at that) over the Hidiots on Family Day out at Bob Neil #2 after a starring performance from new cult-hero "McLovin", and the C-Men kept on their merry way as stars Cmrlec, Polkinghorne and a reinvented, not-always-so-hungover Milton (what!?!?!) continue to shine. The Chards almost pulled defeat from the jaws of victory but were able to hold off the Farts, and no Hewish = better B grade as the Budgie Smugglers knocked off the Goons on the back of a spectacular last quarter performance from Aiden "Nathan Lyon" Offe. In a fitting finale to the day The Showgirls piled on the pain for the previously undefeated Goons with the A grade running out 3 goal winners; Harry "The Merl" Wellington continuing his inspiring efforts on and off the field in 2016.
Go the Blacks!
Div 1 (Black Jack & the Showgirls) 12.13.85 defeated Payneham Goons 9.14.68
Goal Kickers: S. Paynter 2, S. Sharley 2, M. Newcombe 2, B. Simpson, A. Alesci, N. Beneke, L. Roach, J. Willis, D. Robinson
Best Players: H. Wellington, L. Roach, W. Paynter, S. Paynter, J. Noonan, A. Alesci
Div 1R (Super Gav and the Budgie Smugglers) 11.17.83 defeated Payneham Goons 5.4.34
Goal Kickers: A. Offe 4, J. Connell 3, T. Maughan 2, M. Murdock, M. Slade
Best Players: A. Offe, N. Warren, T. Maughan, S. Harms, J. Dearing, M. Jamieson
Div 7 (Sexy Pimp and his C-Men) 13.14.92 defeated St Paul 8.9.57
Goal Kickers: P. Dolan 3, D. Polkinghorne 2, D. Smith 2, J. Fitzgerald 2, S. Hutton, D. Trezise, J. McGowan, Z. Turnbull
Best Players: J. Cmrlec, T. Milton, S. King, S. Hutton, D. Smith, D. Polkinghorne
Div 7R (Robert Reid and The Brady Bunch) 7.8.50 defeated by St Paul 9.15.69
Goal Kickers: G. Kearsley 2, N. Ivic 2, T. Bowles, J. Campbell, S. Shadiac
Best Players: T. Muecke, C. Ramsey, T. Ambrose, N. Ivic, R. Laidlaw, S. Hickey
Div C1 (The Chardonnay Socialists) 11.10.76 defeated Sacred Fart 8.7.55
Goal Kickers: B. Meier 3, A. Butler 2, T. Baker, W. Legrand, D. Jean, A. Vallelonga, D. Blyth, M. Veprek
Best Players: R. Doecke, D. Jean, A. Vallelonga, M. Heath, C. Rohde, A. Butler
Div C3 (The B*stards) 13.10.88 defeated North Haven for Hidiots 2.3.15
Goal Kickers: A. Di Silvio 4, T. Chalk 2, H. Woods 2, H. Mugford, A. Buckby, S. Gray, F. Marshall, S. Arnfield
Best Players: A. Hesketh, T. Chalk, H. Ball, E. Verco, H. Mugford, B. Hill
Div C5 (The Scum) 7.6.48 defeated by North Haven for Hidiots 14.7.91
Goal Kickers: J. Richards 2, T. Russell 2, N. Venning, A. Howard, A. Crouch
Best Players: S. Musolino, R. Gardner, M. Varvounis, S. Lewis, A. Trevarrow, S. Lawrence
Open Women’s Div 1 (The Postie and Her Dead Letter Office Raiders) 4.11.35 defeated by Smallsbury 25.7.37
Goal Kickers: K. Barltrop 3, J. Schulz
Best Players: W. Benson, J. Schulz, C. Tsoumbris, J. Edwards, S. Watherston, M. Galic
Open Women’s Div 2 (Hollywood and His Rising Stars) 9.11.65 defeated Gays Are Great 0.0.0
Goal Kickers: N. Collie 4, G. Mills 2, T. Ruediger, E. O''Dea, A. Cannizzaro
Best Players: A. Cannizzaro, J. Dickie, E. O''Dea, I. Wishart, N. Collie, T. Nguyen
Saturday 14th May
Black Jack & the Showgirls (Div 1) v Goodwood Sinners @ Sin Stadium (Goodwood Oval) 2.15pm
Super Gav and the Budgie Smugglers (Div 1R) v Goodwood Sinners @ Sin Stadium (Goodwood Oval) 12.15pm
Sexy Pimp and the C-Men (Div 7) v Payneham Goons @ Goon Park 2.15pm
The Kenny Everett Video Show (Div 7R) v Payneham Goons @ Goon Park 12.15pm
The Chardonnay Socialists (C1) v Goodwood Sinners @ Sin Stadium (Goodwood Oval (10.15am)
The B*stards (C3) v No Hope Valley @ Home for the Hopeless (Hope Valley Oval)
The Scum (C5) v Hannibal Hectorville @ Arfur Daly Oval (Daly Oval) 10.15am
The Postie and Her Dead Letter Office Raiders (Open Women’s Div 1) v Gang Green Acres @ Bob Neil #1 7pm
Sunday 15th May
Hollywood and His Rising Stars (Open Women’s Div 2) v Christies Beach @ Bob Neil #2 (Park 10) 2pm
This year the Mighty Blacks will be fundraising with the Entertainment Book. The books are $65 each ($13 of this goes towards the club/team as a fundraising component).
Each team has a designated fundraising site (refer to links below). Share with your friends, family, neighbours, work colleagues, drinking buddys and tinder (or grinder – we don’t judge) dates. Funds raised go directly to the team/Club.
Bob Neil has used his scientific calculator that he only needs to sell 4 books to get a carton of South Australia’s finest and a bottle of Green Ginger Wine!
Last year the Chards raised over $300 selling the book, which was donated to Dirty.
For those of you that don’t know the book it is filled with plenty of 2-4-1 deals and 25% off vouchers for clubs and bars across Adelaide. With places like The Havey, The British, The Kentish, Zambrero and Burger Foundary you’ll be sure to make you money back.
If you want a book they can be brought to training or delivery can be organised to a home or office. If you buy digital it is uploaded onto your phone and is able to use immediately, it’s definitely the way to go.
Any queries, please see contact Chardonnay Socialist, Anthony ‘Drop Bear’ Vallelonga on 0403 583 735.
Player Sponsors Wanted
It's that time of year again and a few kids are still in search of a player sponsor.
If you can help out and keep an A/B grader clothed for his matches and insured if he gets injured, please contact Will 'Do the Evolution Baby' Evans at firstname.lastname@example.org
The A and B grade playing list (with Guernsey Numbers) is available here for those who have requested player numbers when attending games. There are a number of players moving in and out of these teams but we have done our best to cover most players. However, we do apologise if this is not all encompassing of the potential Div 1 playing squad.