Welcome to another edition of the Substandard, your source for all things AUFC.
5/6 wins is a High Distinction any day of the week so well done Blackers on a fantastic week of footy last week. Let's get the elephant out of the room right away (no not you Dirty, you can stay): Robert Reid and Kenny Everett must now pitch in for an extra keg on Super Sunday because not only were they the sole team to lose last week, but their loss to the Goonians prevented the AUFC from a blackwash of wins against the Collingwood of the SAAFL. I expect to see nothing but shuttle runs and uni loops for the next few weeks down at Park 10.
At least all the other playing sides recorded wins and last week seemed to be the week for huge scores against dismal opponents. The C-Men proved too much to swallow for the Goonians, dismantling them by 110 points with the Rising Stars following suit with a 120 point win (bending) over Gaza Great who only managed 1 solitary goal for the whole match. That's still one more goal than Smallsbury managed against the Dead Letter Office Raiders who kept them scoreless for the entire game.
At Park 10 the B@stards took their revenge against Hopeless Valley with a solid 6 goal win and the Scum played one of their worst matches of the season, running out victors by a lazy 118 points.
Footy is back where it belongs this week with the Chards, A+B Grades putting on a triple header against Salisbury NSE&W at Bob Neil 1. Bob Miles has stocked the fridge up with Jim Beam and Cola premix cans and the Long Room now has Commonwealth authority to cash in Centrelink cheques, so the bar should do a roaring trade hosting the always gracious Salisbury NSE&W.
The Sexy Pimp, Robert Reid and Comrades venture out to Karl Marx University to teach the "other" university that prestige and reputation still count for a lot in today's world and practical life skills have no place in tertiary education.
The B@stards and Scum both face off against Mudbury, fittingly at Bob Neil 2 which has turned into a sheep dip with a patch of grass either side after the recent weather. Rumour has it that Bunny Warren's dignity got stuck in the mud last week (decade?) and he has been foraging the surrounds ever since in search of it...
The Postie has a very dangerous mission out to Yatala Prison this Saturday afternoon where they play Gangrene Acres. Might be a good idea to concede at least one goal to avoid a prison-shank in the showers post-match. Sunday sees the Rising Stars brave the ocean breeze and battle the Beach Bums at 2pm.
Get out and support your club this week, it has been too long since the A Grade have played at home so let's see a big turnout at #1 on Saturday.
AUFC merchandise now available online
After a #BOBNEIL Tee?
Check out the AUFC Merchandise available at the bottom of the linked page here
Nick Katsaros - 100 games
Kats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Age: Height: Weight
Old short and fat
Games Played: Goals Kicked:
100 games over 9 years withfuck all goals and a shitload of points.
Junior Footy Club:
Played for the might Mt Lofty Devils followed by Poofters And Cowards during high school.
Describe yourself as a footballer (In 30 words or less):
Love a niggle, love a Shepard, love a tackle, love a fight, love cheaply one behind play, love being a decoy and deceptively slow!
Favorite Movie: Actor:
Favourite movie has to be Wog Boy favourite actor has to be John Stamos
Favorite Player Nickname:
No nickname required (Wayne King)
Favorite Band or Song:
Favourite band is Tom Martin featuring The blacks supported by Bob Neil, ACTION MAN
Least Favorite Opposition Club:
I fucking hate Athelstone
Hit my hands on the door as I walk out.
When you were 14, what poster did you have on the back of your bedroom door?
Poster on my wall was "5ive" you can't make that shit up
Favourite AFL Club: AFL Player:
Carlton - current: Simpson past: Fev
Of the AUFC players you have played with which Player is? (Must not answer with yourself). Smartest: Dumbest: Funniest: Angriest: Best Looking: Coaches Pet:
Smartest: this space was intentionally left blank
Dumbest: 2007 C grade coach
Funniest: David Jean - laugh at... Not with
Angriest: A hungry Butler, jeano after laughing at him, Dirty after Librals win
Best looking: Trent Turner
Coaches pet: Elliot Hewish hands down!
Best sledge you’ve Given or received:
can't remember the team but it was out nth and the ruckman was an old bloke with fuck all teeth left in his gob. He tackled me because I'm slow and fat and had a go so I took hold of his jumper and said "I'll knock your last tooth out you cunt" .... I'm about 5ft in heels, he was a genuine 6'4
Favorite Player at the Club & Why:
Wayne King, any new boys entering the club should have to play a game with him regardless of what grade they are going to play. Learn what hard really means. Also take notes on how not to kick!
Ask yourself a question and answer it:
Best year at the Club: 2012 Cyril and the C bombs
Worst year: 2007 screeched and the def C's ( 0 wins most consistent team of the year)
At the most recent AUFC Committee meeting it was agreed, after the third bottle of red, to endorse a change in Chairman from Matthew “Easter” Beilby to his current Deputy, Substandard editor and general club rascal, Tom “Rocky jnr” Austin. Of course the fact that Beilbs is moving to Melbourne in a fortnights time had something to do with it, but it was also decided that the position of Chairman required someone with a little more, shall we say, panache. The pictures tell my story here…
We sincerely thank Beilbs for his huge contribution to the club over the last ten years and especially the last two as Chairman. The club won’t be the same without any Beilby involvement but we look forward to both Easter and Roadkill returning for regular cameos in the coming years. At the same time we congratulate Rock and have no doubt he will do a fantastic job for the club in future.
Look A Like
What Dougy Radford would look like with long hair
CLUBS NIGHT @ THE HAVEY - JULY 30
Coming up on July 30 our generous sponsor pub is hosting a Clubs Night where all the other sporting clubs that are sponsored by the Havey get to come along for a very special HYB hosted by none other than the Pup himself.
Drinks specials will be available all night so lets make this one a ripper and scare the absolute bejeezus out of the non-AUFC players.
Div 1 (Black Jack & the Showgirls) BYE
Div 1R (Super Gav and the Budgie Smugglers) BYE
Div 7 (Sexy Pimp and his C-Men) 21.20.146 defeated Payneham Goonians 5.6.36
Goal Kickers: C. Hocking 5, A. Roberts 3, D. Polkinghorne 2, K. Green 2, S. Nankivell 2, S. Ritchie 2, B. Robinson 2, D. Coughlan, J. McGowan, T. Milton
Best Players: T. Milton, D. Trezise, B. Robinson, D. McIntosh, Z. Turnbull, D. Coughlan
Div 7R (Robert Reid and the Brady Bunch) 5.8.38 defeated by Payneham Goonians 9.12.66
Goal Kickers: N. Dragas 4, N. Ivic 2, T. Bowles 2, H. Wilson
Best Players: C. Ramsey, T. Bowles, T. Carr, D. Conier, M. Veprek, N. Ivic
Div C1 (The Chardonnay Socialists) BYE
Div C3 (The B@stards) 9.11.65 defeated Hopeless Valley 3.11.29
Goal Kickers: J. Miller-Owen 3, M. Dinning, S. Arnfield, A. Hesketh, T. Chalk, A. Buckby, M. Newcombe
Best Players: A. Bate, J. Johnston, T. Nurthen, M. Newcombe, F. Marshall, T. Chalk
Div C5 (The Scum) 18.19.127 defeated Hectic-ville 0.9.9
Goal Kickers:R. Gardner 6, N. Lawrence 5, A. Karas 2, J. Richards 2, S. Musolino, B. Green, S. Ciccarello
Best Players: J. Richards, B. Linford, S. Musolino, R. Gardner, S. Lawrence, Q. Bedeau
Div 1 (The Postie and Her Dead Letter Office Raiders) 5.6.36 defeated Smallsbury 0.0.0
Goal Kickers: N. Collie 2, S. Richardson 2, J. Caulfield
Best Players: R. King, W. Benson, J. Power, H. Beale, J. Edwards, S. Richardson
Div 2 (Hollywood and His Rising Stars) 19.12.126 defeated Gaza Great 1.0.6
Goal Kickers: H. Beale 8, T. Lee 5, M. Kelly 2, A. Cannizzaro, E. Sheridan, E. Tromans , G. Mills
Best Players: H. Beale, T. Lee, A. Cannizzaro, S. Holliday, C. Thomas
Saturday 30th July
Black Jack & the Showgirls (Div 1) v Salisbury NSE&W @ Bob Neil #1 2:15pm
Super Gav and the Budgie Smugglers (Div 1R) v Salisbury NSE&W @ Bob Neil #1 12:15pm
Sexy Pimp and the C-Men (Div 7) v Karl Marx University @ Karl Marx Park 2.15pm
The Kenny Everett Video Show (Div 7R) v Karl Marx University @ Karl Marx Park 12.15pm
The Chardonnay Socialists (C1) v Salisbury NSE&W @ Bob Neil #1 10:15pm
The B*stards (C3) v Mudbury @ Bob Neil #2 2.15pm
The Scum (C5) v Mudbury @ Bob Neil #2 12.15pm
The Postie and Her Dead Letter Office Raiders (Open Women’s Div 1) v Gangrene Acres @ Yatala Prison 5:00pm
Sunday 31st July
Hollywood and His Rising Stars (Open Women’s Div 2) v The Beach Bums @ Swimming Between the Flags Oval 2:00pm
The A and B grade playing list (with Guernsey Numbers) is available here for those who have requested player numbers when attending games. There are a number of players moving in and out of these teams but we have done our best to cover most players. However, we do apologise if this is not all encompassing of the potential Div 1 playing squad.