VOLUME 4, 8 MAY 2015
Perfect is a word thrown about so often these days, its literal meaning becomes lost. People often say that a Parmi and a pint at the Havey for $12.50 is perfect. People often say that the casting of Jennifer Aniston as the nymphomaniac in Horrible Bosses was perfect. People also often say that Josh Stewarts biceps in a dress shirt are perfect.

In reality though, these things are not perfect. They're just very bloody enjoyable. 

Perfection can be achieved though, when the greatest football club in the world scores 8 wins from 8 games. It happens so rarely that when it does, you remember where you were when you first heard the news. Rumours are circling that the club's performance had something to do with the new AUFC Chairman, Matt Beilby, because 8/8 never happened under the previous "management" of outgoing club handyman Sam Bridgwood. The more realistic amongst you will realise that this has absolutely nothing to do with the result, but it's worth mocking Bridgy wherever possible. Perhaps Beilby's new off-season recruiting plan worked as well as he said it would...

So kick back, get the kleenex ready and make sure nobody is home for the next quarter of an hour, because THIS is how we managed 8 wins from 8 games:

1. The B@stards trudged down to Gepps Double Cross fancying a win, but predominantly just hoping to finish the game without finding their cars propped up on blocks at midday. Gepps X seemed disinterested during the match, giving the B@stards a 3 goal win, which was probably due to their upcoming television debut during the week. You can catch Struggle Street on SBS, Wednesdays @ 8:30pm.

2. The Chards took the short trip out to Campbelltown, and even the realisation that their coach hadn't showered in 6 days wasn't enough to shake them. They ran out winners, although Coach Dirty rued missed opportunities. "If we kicked between the big sticks lots, we would have won by good", he said in a post match press-conference.

3. The Seven Ressies have unfortunately been the whipping boys of their competition this year, so you can imagine Cal Reed's surprise to find that the caterpillars he was coaching 3 weeks ago had finally evolved into beautiful butterflies. Their mammoth win ensured Matthew Flinders' Cat copped a kicking that night.

4. You could imagine the C-men's delight in seeing the 7 Reserves get up by such a margin. In respect to Flinders Uni, I won't say much about this game, but you just know that any match where Ash "Desert" Ireland kicked 3 goals wasn't exactly a battle of attrition.

5. The B's SMASHED Portland. According to Sub-standard Editor Eddie "I peaked in Yr 12" Dadds, Portland were "the worst team in the division by an appreciable distance". It is not yet known why, after making such an audacious comment, Dadds neither kicked a goal or polled in the best during this match.

6. A's won. Yeah they're good. Woo go A's. 

7. The Girl Guides managed a win against the Wharfies to ensure they went into the season in with a firm shot of taking out the flag. This week they're at BN#1 on Friday night @ 7:15pm, so get down to see what all the fuss is about.

After hearing that we were one game away from a perfect round and a free keg, my heart skipped a beat. When I realised which teams result I hadn't heard yet, my heart skipped several more beats. Alas, it is my pleasure to report that this week the C3 team were...


However, it wasn't exactly a perfect week off the field. A bust-up between prominent Club legends Boz and Rulebook marred training at BN#1 last Thursday night. Here's how the stoush went down according to Howie:

The Ben Cousin’s Ice Machine claims its first controversy less than 1 week after install.
The story as observed by independent observers.
  • Boz just finished bagging up bags of ice from the new ice machine ready to take to Portland Saturday.
  • Rulebook grabs a bag of ice for injured players at Pk10 and takes towards his car.
  • Boz sees Book walking to his car with said ice bag.
  • Boz attempts to kick/knee Book in the upper leg/groin region.
  • Book grabs Boz by the chest pins him to the car and tells him if he tries that again he won’t get up.
  • Beilbs white knights in and breaks up the pair gracefully.
The story I’ve received from Boz & Book.
  • Malcolm asked nicely for a bag of Ice.
  • Robert said why certainly, grab one that I’ve just finished bagging up and placed in the freezer -it was for Saturday but I’ll do another later as the new ice machine produces 80kg per day.
  • Thanks Robert, Malcolm responded.
  • No worries Malcolm, here, let me help you out here getting your car door open.
  • Thanks Mate, not a problem
Both have assured me that they are as friendly towards each other today as they were before the Ice incident.
This week is Super Bowlies at the Havey- $20 dollar entry gets you three hours of free beer/cider, which financially makes it approximately 452 times more cost-efficient than drinking at Adelaide Oval. Kick-off is at 7pm. 

May Bob be with you.


Round 5 Fixture

Friday 8th May
The Scum (C3) v Seaton Trams @ The Tram Terminus (Pedlar Reserve) 7pm
Bob Neil's Girl Guides v Morphettville Park @ Bob Neil #1 7pm

Saturday 9th May
Black Jack & the Showgirls (Div 1) v Henley On Drugs @ Bob Neil #1 2.15pm
Super Gav and the Budgie Smugglers (Div 1R) v Henley On Drugs @ Bob Neil #1 12.15pm
Sexy Pimp and the C-Men (Div 7) v Salisbury NSE&W @ Bob Neil #2 (Park 10) 2.15pm
Robert Reid & the Brady Bunch (Div 7R) v North Pines for a Win @ Bob Neil #2 (Park 10) 12.15pm
The Chardonnay Socialists (C1) v Sacred Fart @ Bob Neil #1 10.15am
The B*stards (C2) v Smallsbury @ Tiny Town (Salisbury Oval) 10.15am


Blacks Look-A-LIKES

Young lad to the Blacks - Zac “Surfs up Cowabunga Dude” Turnbull often tells young members of the opposite sex - that he is in fact Dyson Heppell. This card apparently is the best he can play when approaching young lasses. 

Ever wondered what ex-Crow and Norwood footballer turned 5AA radio host Stephen Rowe was up to in the early 90s? Doing his best Tiger Woods impersonation judging by the strikingly distinctive look of our very own Ben 'Colonel' Sanders.

Pacquiao after the loss was down on spirits – and Bobby Neil swooped on this divine opportunity, gave the old mate a red tin – drunk away his sorrows and now he has sworn his allegiance to the Blacks. Welcome to the club Pacquiao!

Know of any other look-a-likes around the club? 

Please send through to football@theblacks.com.au



Round 4 Results

Div 1 (Black Jack & the Showgirls) 20.14.134 defeated Flagon of Portland 10.12.72
Goal Kickers: B. Davis 4, B. Simpson 4, D. Cunningham 3, A. Alesci 2, B. Watson 2, J. Willis 2, 
S. Krieg 1, W. Evans 1, N. Langridge 1
Best Players: B. Watson, B. Davis, B. Smelt, D. Cunningham, T. Walker, B. Simpson
Congrats to Div 1 Reserves who are setting a good tone for Match Day. There are a considerable number of players in this squad that the Club is keen to see receive either their first chance at Div 1 football or their next chance at Div 1 Football.   Many are good enough.

Congrats to our Div 1 side, who found both the will and a way to victory. Brad Watson and Nick Beneke set the tone for the day early in the match and Brad Davis and Cunno and Ben Smelt brought us home. A significant turning point in my mind  came in the third quarter when Will Evans committed bravely, earned a free kick and goaled.  Our defence of Tom Walker, Brodie Borg, Jack Grieger and Lukas Antoniadas were better than solid, admittedly aided by Cunno at chb in the second and fourth quarters against the breeze.  The kicking out from a behind from Lukas proved most effective.

Simmo and Kieran are firing in the forward lines in all matches thus far and are limited only by the opportunities we provide them while Nick Langridge and Andrew Alesci have also been brilliant in all 3 rounds thus far.  Langers does not seem to be liked by umpires and liked less by opposition.

We still need to regain ground from losses in rounds 1 and 2 so the return of Nick Gill this week excites us.  Jack Noonan may be a week or 2 away while Hamish Crouch will be missing for 12 weeks. His absence along with Tom Bateman having to work, allowed the debut of Joel Fladrich who did not disappoint and is a good reflection of how our Div 1 Reserves players, can succeed when an opportunity arises.   
Div 1Reserves (Super Gav and the Budgie Smugglers) 27.12.174 defeated Flagon of Portland 7.5.47
Goal Kickers: R. Anderson 5, J. Connell 5, A. Offe 4, P. Dolan 4, M. Swift 2, T. Muecke 2, 
J. Tronnolone 2, H. Gloyne 1, C. Slape 1, K. Green 1
Best Players: R. Anderson, D. Robinson, J. Connell, A. Offe, P. Dolan, K. Green

Fresh off rookie coach Super Gav having tasted the bitterness of defeat for the first time in what could be a long career ahead, the Smugglers ventured to the Wildlife Reserve looking to get back on track with a W. Belated congratulations to all who managed the magnificent Anzac Day commemorations at BN#1 a week previous... a truly great effort by all. The lads were keen at Tuesday & Thursday asking Gav & Jamesy “how are Portland tracking…?”, the coaching staff feigning ignorance with “they’re looking OK” in knowing full well their magoos had been belted in the first 2 rounds to attempt to stave off any complacency within the group.

With the claustrophobic visitors change rooms in direct proportion to the small playing deck, the majority of pre-game Churchillian fire-ups occurred on the back paddock & members wing with an unusual curtain raiser in place. Come game time, a scrappy start slowly materialised in goals for the Blacks as the game opened up, and the intensity from the opposition from the first 2 rounds was lacking. With 6 goals to one at quarter time, the game was effectively over as a contest, and the real question was could the pedal hit the metal ruthlessly for a full 4 quarters. With the exception of a brief lull in the 4th, the answer was a resounding yes as a 21 goal victory sent a message to the rest of the D1R comp.

We learned that Greg Anderson has a smooth kicking action to effortlessly slot sausage rolls accurately from 50m, with the versatility to mix it in the centre square in a BOG performance. Shoeless Joe Connell remains a solid pick up, while Dolan Work Don’t Mix and Tim May Offe got reward for hard pre seasons with some scoreboard impact. Of interest, Divots Robinson and Slape & Sons put together their 3rd consecutive outstanding ruck tandem to give us an edge in what’s likely the most brutal tall timber duo in the comp. The Gloyne Hobbit didn’t put a foot wrong in pushing for a recall back to the big club. TomWaterhouse.com Swift showed glimpses of brilliance in his first hitout for the season with composure and A Grade class in traffic before cramping late with old man calves, with the only real injury concerns being Penniment Lodge icing up early with a hamstring cramp, and Dayne Beams Tronnolone who was unable to truly impact the forward line rout with a dicky knee.

Humorous incidents from the rare trouncing included a scraggy balding Portland half forward, who after copping a verbal spray from the visitor interchange for a gutless kidney punch well after disposal, completely ignored the game for a minute or 2 to debate earnestly on the sidelines whether the spray was really warranted... hardnut Cragg unfussed by that rubbish. Their #3, who spent the entire day on the coaches box wing trying to to ruffle the feathers of our rotating wingmen prior to all the 38 centre bounces before wandering around doing nothing, was also suckered in by the Blacks to earn a 10 minute sin bin in front of a mocking partisan crowd. And their runner had the gall to scream vitriolic obscenities at a Gloyne Hobbit pinpoint disposal whilst a mere 15 goals down in the premiership quarter!

Anyways, nuff of them and onto us. Congratulations to the As for breaking through for their season’s first win in similarly clinical fashion. We now embrace the challenge of the first perennially tough district club this year as Henley on Drugs visit BN#1 in a 3rd v 4th battle of evenly matched sides each on a 2-1 ledger. Henley took the chocolates both times last year, but the new look Blacks outfit are confident and much better positioned to duke it out this Saturday.
Div 7 (Sexy Pimp & the C-Men) 24.21.165 defeated Karl Marx University 5.1.31
Goal Kickers: S. Nankivell 6, D. Davis 4, A. Ireland 3, M. Fitzgerald 3, A. Riley 2, B. Carroll 2, 
C. Desmet 2, D. Coughlan 1, J. Johnston 1
Best Players: D. Davis, A. Ireland, M. Fitzgerald, D. Trezise, D. Gardner, O. Leonard

A decent effort from the C-Men against Karl Marx and that VD that's been growing on him. Some disciplined play in the 2nd and 3rd quarters made up for some poor defensive efforts in the 1st quarter and hungry hungry hippo syndrome in the last when backmen masqueraded goal kickers. 

After an up and down first half, the Sexy Pimp put it on the C-Men to burn the game off in the third quarter. 9.9 did the job, but inaccuracy when kicking for goal prevented a true premiership quarter. By lemons most people were toungeing for a celebratory red tin. There was just ginger wine, green ginger wine. 

The Viking Westhoff had it all his own way in the goal square, snagging six, while Double Ds floated between the guts and half back and had the time to jag four. Mickey Fizz produced twin calicos three times, as did Chooka, who also produced a single calico five times. 

After a brace of losses to Out n About and St Pauls New Sox, it was good to be able to rely on a confidence booster against Karl Marx and his VD. The unknown quantity of Salisbury West awaits, to be hosted on the vast expanse of Bob Neil #2 and Big Al's wing.

Div 7Reserves (Robert Reid and the Brady Bunch) 17.15.117 defeated Karl Marx University 4.3.27
Goal Kickers: C. Reid 4, S. Mandic 3, C. McMichael 2, T. Nguyen 2, C. Baker 2, B. Browne 1, 
H. Wilson 1, G. Ruth 1, J. Brazil 1
Best Players: B. Henderson , T. Nguyen, C. Ramsey, C. Baker, R. Lang, S. Hickey
Div C1 (The Chardonnay Socialists) 9.10.64 defeated Ross & Trevor 6.11.47
Goal Kickers: B. Meier 3, S. Hutton 2, W. King , D. Blyth , D. Jean , N. Noack 
Best Players: R. Doecke , A. Butler , C. Rohde , C. Schiller , D. Byrne

It's fair to say the Chards returned from Ross and Trevor with more questions than answers. 

Just how did centurion and Chards favourite Butts Deep get away with listing his playing weight at 65kg in last week's Substandard?
Why would the team manager of Tee Hee Gullies' reserves team accuse us of pinching a tub of Metsal from them for the second time this season? (and what does Nickname Redundant know about it?)
Just how excited was Butts Deep's when he thought the Tee Hee’s team manager said pretzel?
Just what did Levis Jeans trip over in the goalsquare while waltzing into an open goal?
Why was Dirty sent off by the umpire? (Multiple choice for young players: - A) Because the coach shouldn't really be running messages; B) Because a khaki Buzzcocks tshirt wasn't the correct runners attire. c) Because he was in the forward 50 while they were having a shot for goal. D) Because he had been slagging the sh-- out of said umpire since the opening bounce. E) all of the above.)
And, finally, what the fark happened to the Chards in the last quarter for us to just sneak home after being the far more dominant team for the remainder of the game?
Despite trouncing Ross and Trevor on their home deck in the prelim final, many of us still harbour horrible memories of one of the biggest pantsings the Chards have copped in recent times at the same ground last year and weren’t going to take our opponent lightly.
We figured we were ahead on that effort when we didn't have to borrow a footy for the warm-up, and it became clear early that we definitely had an advantage in the talent stakes.
With a few fresh Chards faces, we only really started to gel in the second term, taking advantage of our triple towers in Quag Meier, Hutton Season and Malcolm Blyth up forward with some swift ball movement and pinpoint passing. Unfortunately while they were clunking everything out of the sky, they weren't able to convert on the scoreboard as their shots sailed everywhere (and I mean absolutely everywhere) but through the big white sticks and what should have been a 10-goal margin at halftime was a mere three.
Nickname Redundant showed us the way to the goals after the break and when Quag jagged his third, we finally started to skip clear to what we thought was an unassailable margin.
But with a dwindling bench as Scary Killer limped off with a corky early in the last term and our beer bellies running on empty, we started to slacken off. Ross and Trevor snagged a couple of cheeky sausages from turnovers and with five minutes to play, the game was somehow alive and they were up and about.
It took the deadly talent of Dino Dibra to find the sticks on the run to stop their momentum, and we eventually ran out lacklustre 17-point winners.
The old firm of On The Rohde Again, Scary Killer, milestone man Butts Deep and Two Pigs led the way, dominating at the stoppages and with their workrate across the ground. Okeley Doekely aka Achey Doecke Heart was a welcome return in his first game back from his preseason in the Pacific, while Byrne Baby Byrne The Disco Inferno continued his fine start to Chards life on the wing.
The positives were that we still managed to win without really getting into third gear. The negative was that a better team wouldn't have allowed us to get away with it and that we still have plenty of work to do.

Div C2 (The B*stards) 11.11.77 defeated Gepps Double Cross 9.6.60
Goal Kickers: A. Bate 2, A. Buckby 2, B. Collins 2, A. Howes 1, D. Collett 1, D. Power 1, 
C. Gregg 1, N. Whelan 1
Best Players: D. Collett, D. Power, W. Petrovsky, T. Seagrim, A. Buckby, S. McNeil

On the 2nd of May the B@stards had the pleasure of playing in the highly prestigious suburb of Gepps-Cross. The oval was roughly marked and the goalposts where delivered straight from Cash Converters ready for the epic blockbuster that would proceed. 

The Rams started well kicking the first few goals as confirmed by the various Commodore horns and profanity around the ground. Things were looking like Gepps-Cross were somewhat Gepps-Happy by the end of the first. 

Darsshole whipped out a few disposals straight from the top drawer setting up some great play, he had the Rams more emotional than the final day of the Clipsal as he continuously dodged some large bodies. 
Davie Power had clearly injected some type of fertilizer for breakfast, or possibly eaten a shit-load of Clenbuterol soaked meat the night before judging by his performance on the day. Rumour has it the crowd needed sunglasses just to watch he had such a blinder. 

The usual suspects of Seagrim and Sledgey were in the mix at the bottom of pack and the B@stards had started to play. Paddles slotted a goal with a 1% probability after the siren had gone on the 3rd the Rams were looking baaa-d. 

The B@stards dug deep and managed to play some great footy; getting to the ball first, taking some contested marks and hitting tackles. The only thing that was better was the face of disbelief on the short, fat, terribly tattoed, rats tail bearing runner from the cross, who was more than happy to share his well-educated views on life. 

The B@stards ran out the last, coming out the deserved victors. They experienced what it was like to fight satan in hell. The Melancholy Monk will never umpire again after the warm reception he received from the Gepps-Cross fans. We wish him the best with his life and hope to see him in a few years once his witness protection programme finishes. 

Special mentions go to Speed Dealin' Whelan who kicked his first goal for the club splitting the sticks like a 200 gamer and Luke “looks like Tarzan plays like Jane” Spajic who played his first game as a key role in defence with authority.

Div C3 (The Scum) 20.7.127 defeated Colonel Light’s Garbage 2.11.23
Goal Kickers: B. Vezis 7, P. Malinauskas 5, A. Miatke 2, A. Beneke 1, S. Lawrence 1, B. Cox 1, 
R. Qasimy 1, M. Eisenberg 1, T. Dean 1
Best Players: M. Draca, D. Currie, T. Dean, N. Vezis, P. O'Leary, E. Dart
I had a pretty serious headache on Friday morning. I wasn’t sure if it was from the hangover or the lack of players that I had at my disposal from a rough selection the night before. Well after a blurry examination of the empty team sheet, the picture wasn’t great but it also wasn’t too bad after all. SCUM had 21 players for the game, I wasn’t too sure of where the last six of them came from or who they were but it was enough players to field a team. 

Anyway, eighteen players rocked up to Uni Oval at about 1:30pm, then Kingy, then Valley and two more new guys and we had something to work with. As we ran out onto the ground, Tofe arrived and we actually weren’t looking too shabby at all. I guess that fact was helped a little by the late inclusion of 180 Ned Dart. 

Quite an average first half was had by both teams, nothing to write home about. We were reasonably good, nothing special but competitive all the same. CLG kicked a lot of points and tried hard. In terms of a report card, SCUM would get a C+ for the first half and CLG An A effort (you could tell they were about to turn to shit). 

The second half was much better. SCUM played a flowing and cohesive brand of footy and moved the ball with ease. The defence was miserly and rebounded everything, the midfield were first to the ball at all occasions and the forward line was super spacious, a dream for hungry forwards like Lazy Vezis and Mally. 

SCUM ran out very convincing winners. A nice rebound from last weeks loss. 

Lazy kicked 7 and surpassed 400 club goals, Mally chimed in with 5, Mr Miatke kicked a couple, whilst S-Lawry, Rahul, Timmy Dean, Coxy, Eisy and AB all bothered the goal umpire once a piece. 

Best Players 
180 Ned Dart was pretty good in his SCUM return, Spud O'Leary was excellent as forward utility, Lazy played a great game at FF, Timmy Dean ran further than Forrest and FranknFurter found a new home on the HBF. 
Best Player on the Ground winning the jugs: 
Count Draca rucked all day and roved most of his own ball too. Cracking season from Marko so far. He seems to only get better every week. 

Bob Neil’s Girl Guides 23.16.154 defeated Port Red Light District 0.0.0
Goal Kickers:  F. Clancey 7, T. Lee 5, J. Power 3, J. Hull 2, N. Burns 2, S. Li 2, M. Jones , N. Newbery 
Best Players: J. Hull , S. Li , N. Newbery , F. Clancey , J. Power , T. Lee

* “The Powermedic” played her 150th game of SAWFL football on this day, and herself and the other Girl Guides made it a day to remember, with The Wharfies being required as per by-law 23 a) to circle the oval with their pants down post game after failing to score
* “Steven Gerrard” proved better at scoring goals for The Girl Guides than Liverpool at present, managing to score 7 goals, and shoot to the lead of the SAWFL goal kicking tables
* And with the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight competing for viewers with both that fight and this game being on at the same time, “The Lady Red” decided to draw in supporters of both sports by laying a knock-out blow on her Wharfies opponent, and NOT getting reported!!!

Uni Greys (LOTS) defeated East (NOT MUCH)
Goalkickers – More than East
Best Players – All played well
Casualties – Park 10 & Toilet
The Uni Greys were blessed with probably their largest crowd ever, and a full side which is a bonus these days (plus cherry on top = bench players), as the stars aligned with a rare home game, nice weather and an FGA reunion for Michel Legrand’s 300th game.
Opponents “East” (effectively Athelstone) were very keen for an Over 35’s Masters side, with the whole team out on the oval stretching and warming up a good 45 minutes before the game was due to start, regarded as sacrilege according to Bob Neil’s Greys.
As game time approached, Wolverine was delirious with so many players to choose from due to all the old FGA cameos, as usually at this stage he’s sheepishly wandering over to the opposition huddle to politely enquire as to whether we can borrow a dozen players. Heck we even had 2 water boys, with the Sheep Shaggers running both water and Sandy’s Green Ginger Wine!
Finally the big 300 banner was hoisted, quickly shredded by Greys and their kiddies, and the game was underway. Complimenting regular Greys guns such as Wolverine, Chloey, Linesy, Placey, and Stevie J, were plenty of cameos who turned back the clock in a masterful display of Uni poof football, such as Bewey Waddington, Maher Baker, Gus Grievs, Sugar Ray, Lazy and Krazy Vezis, Aplin Turnover, Boots Rossi, TC, Slippa and The Jerk, with many more legends in the crowd… and Stump.
At one point Wolverine had such trouble managing the rotations with an actual bench full of interchange players, that the Greys had 19 men on the field, and yep, the opposition made the umpires stop the game and count, and yep our score was re-set to zero, even though we don’t keep score in Masters games!
Regardless we always know when we kick a lot more goals than the opposition, and that we did, both before and after the 19th man fiasco. The last quarter was party time, with Michel roused from his stomach bug deathbed/toilet at Half Back and moved to Full Forward, where he was force fed a few celebratory goals to cap off a big day for the ever-greying Greys.

Uni Oval welcomes Family & Friends this weekend - A/B Grade

FIRST - Get all your Family and Friends down to BOB Neil #1 this weekend.

AUFC v Henley - Bs start at 12:15pm and As at 2:15pm.

SECOND - Family and Friends are invited to come up to the long-room for afternoon tea at half time of the A’s (about 3pm).

And then afterwards Family and Friends will be also invited to head downstairs (as soon as the boys are back on the field after half time) for a short tour of the facilities. 

Make a day of it!

Peter “The Future Premier” Malinauskas – 100 games


This is now Peter Malenauskases’s finest achievement, usurping his 2013 Premiership in The Scum. He has now achieved the notoriety of being the oldest player at the club to reach triple figures. Having previously played with the prestigious Pooraka Football Club. But you can’t spell Pooraka without the word poo. He took a while to wake up to his destiny. And that was to be an outstanding leader at our football club. Or at the very least of our Greek community.
On the field he seeks to physically and mentally drive the direction of the game. A scaffold of a man at centre half forward and The Scum’s gateway to the 2points.  He is someone who can pluck a high mark from above the seagulls at his leisure yet paradoxically have a chest mark pass through him, not even touching his body, like he’s Patrick Swayze in the 1990 film Ghost (before he learnt to actually touch things in the real world when he met that other grumpy ghost in the train station played by Vincent Schiavelli).
From the 20m circle Maleniskus never ever ever misses. The secret lies deep within with his marionette kicking style. But he doesn’t care about the goal, he just wants to mentally infuriate the opposition by spending an inordinate amount of time taking the kick despite its simplicity. 30 seconds will pass and all he’s done is taken out his mouthguard and thrown it on the ground (because marionettes don’t have mouthguards).
His uplifting tirades at the players, particularly during his captaincy, have become legend in the lower grades. Any of you A Graders Gen-Y types need to put this on your bucket list – ‘Listen to one of Peter Melinauskuses’s diatribes’. It scares the child out of you. It inspires you to want to join his cult. It causes gum nuts in the surrounding parklands to germinate. The speech he delivered before the 2013 Grand Final generated a mushroom cloud that our opponents Ovingham were never going to survive. Their club no longer exists now. Peter killed them.
Guys of his age who are such Movers & Shakers are not going to be around forever. If I had a gambling problem I’d certainly bet he is going to SA Premier one day. So get around him and get to know him, he may be able to wave a speeding fine for you one day. If not him well then I guess any of The Malonauskeses’s can.
Now he’s a pop. A father to a girl of one month. Perhaps she will soothe the man. Luckily she gets to see his milestone, something I’m sure she’ll never forget
It has been an absolute honour and life sharpening experience to play with this guy. He’s an outstanding chap and someone with a natural instinct to elevate the socialistic shortcomings of more than just the sphere he moves in. Rulei

And from Paulsy: Congratulations Mally on the fantastic achievement of 100 games (and becoming a father a month ago to daughter and future Girl Guide recruit Sophie). Definitely a career highlight was Captaining the first Scum premiership in 16 years in 2013 showing amazing leadership all year on and off the field. You can always rely on Peter Malinauskas or Chicken Legs giving the most passionate pre-game or half time speech like it’s a Grand Final or an election campaign to fire up the team! One of the most reliable set of hands up forward taking grabs….and one of the most awkward kicking styles that is somehow effective. Let’s hope we can get another flag with the Scum this year so you can achieve one more than your beloved Port Adelaide’s AFL premiership tally of one! Well done mate
Full Name: Peter Bryden Malinauskas
Club Nickname/s:  Mally
Age: Height: Weight 34yo 190cm ish 86kg
Guernsey Number: 260
Games Played: Goals Kicked: Not sure
Junior Footy Club: West Adelaide u/17
Premierships? 2013 SCUM
Describe yourself as a footballer (In 30 words or less): Very ordinary, but can take the occasional grab.
Favourite Movie: Actor: Jack Nicholson
Favorite Player Nickname: "Nick name redundant" is pretty funny
Favourite Band or Song: Midnight Oil
Least Favourite Opposition Club: PAC Old Scholars
Football/Sporting Superstitions: Spit over left shoulder before kicking for goal
When you were 14, what poster did you have on the back of your bedroom door?
Favourite AFL Club: AFL Player: The Port Adelaide Football Club Est. 1870
Jared Poulton
Of the AUFC players you have played with which Player is? (Must not answer with yourself).
Smartest: Marco is an engineer.
Dumbest: Chimp
Funniest (to laugh with): Rulie
Funniest (to laugh at): Lewy
Angriest: Paul Scoleri
Best Looking: Dutchy Holland
Coaches Pet: Evo
Most Courageous: Tofe
Hairiest: Gino
Widest Playing: Jerk is pretty wide
Worst Handballer: Chimp, never actually seen him do it inside 50, and never seen him North of the 50m arc.
Best sledge you’ve Given or received: Rulie said my legs were like dried spaghetti the other day.
Favorite Player at the Club & Why: Probably Howie, because he basically won us the GF in 2013.
Favourite Club Song: Green ginger wine
Ask yourself a question and answer it: Should footy and Politics ever mix? No, but Bob Neil probably votes Labor.


BBQ, Red tins and Glorious Banter at PARK 10

Legends from Reidy and the Sexy PIMP (Div 7 and 7R) are firing up the BBQ and selling unclassfied beverages from 12pm - at Park 10. So if any potential suspects are around to come and join!

The President of the Goon Appreciation Society Tom Milton is also putting on Fruity Lexia (makes you sexier) Goon to cater for our Guests from Salisbury. Such a good bloke Tommy 2 Bucks!



In order to pay Subs please click on the link below, and follow the instructions which best describe you (also below). You will need to register with some basic details (or use your rego details from last year) and you can pay online via debit card (Paypal) or credit card (visa or mastercard).


The deadline for Subs is Thursday the 14th of May. If you have not paid by that day then you will not be eligible for selection day, then you will not be eligible for selection.

The Committee appreciate your assistance in what is a major fundraising exercise for the club, with the proceeds used to meet the substantial costs that we incur in putting 9 teams on the park (footys, umpires, medical equipment, SAAFL calls, insurance premiums etc) each week.

Full details and instructions - click here.

Stories from around the club

Pestering Portland

Dan Weekley abused a B grade Portland player after he laid a high tackle. The man was early 20's with a serious comb over trying to cover up his very sparse and balding head. He also had a thick beard trying to compensate for his unfortunate early hair loss. Dan yelled out "Grow some hair!" with some cruel intentions.

Clearly Dan had struck gold, as the player instantly stopped in his tracks and made a start for the bench where Nick Flood, Weeks and Mitch Francis were standing. Questioning "Who said that!? Say it again!" in a legitimately distraught tone as he continued towards the bench, the situation had escalated significantly. Floody was spotted 2 shades whiter than his normal pale complexion, worried that he was the main suspect in this crime against the follicularly challenged. Weeks simply curled up into a ball and said absolutely nothing, as he began to realise he was a long way from home to be making such remarks. In an interesting plot twist, the Portland player then proceeded to explain in a flood of emotion that he didn't deserve such comments and that he was "giving 100% out there". There was a bit of a tense and awkward silence before Mitch abused him some more and questioned whether he was serious or not.

That's when we all thought a melee was going to occur. However, the player then walked away ever so slowly with his head down in a sad and somber fashion with no care where the ball was, he was in the lowest point of his life. Upon reflection of the ordeal, Weeks admitted that he was ashamed about the incident and generally wanted to apologise but didn't have the balls, he still was a Portland player after all.
Moral of the story is that Portland players are people too...just.


Bowlies this week has been given a shot of AOD-9604 after 9/9 wins last week.

The Adelaide University Football Club has requisitioned the infamous upstairs area of the Havelock to bring you a style of bowlies the likes of which you have never seen.

$20 upon entry will provide you with Beers, Ciders and Soft drinks from 7pm to 9pm.
If there is one occasion you are on time to Bowlies, this is it.


Get around the Blacks LinkedIn page. 

Click here or on the above image to get at the PAGE. 


Please send through to football@theblacks.com.au


The TEAMS for the Weekend.

*PS we endeavour to be perfect, but the teams may not be up by the time you receive this email. Click to view.

Black Jack & The Showgirls​

SuperGav & the Budgie Smugglers

Sexy Pimp & his C-Men

Cal Reid's Team Needs a Name

The Chardonnay Socialists

The B@stards


Round Date Opponent Venue
1 18/04/15 Rostrevor OC Cambelltown Memorial Oval
2 25/04/15 Sacred Heart OC University Oval
3 02/05/15 Portland Port Reserve
4 09/05/15 Henley University Oval
5 16/05/15 Salisbury North University Oval
6 23/05/15 Payneham NU Payneham Oval
7 30/05/15 Tea Tree Gully University Oval
8 13/06/15 Goodwood Saints Goodwood Oval
9 20/06/15 Port District Largs Reserve
10 27/06/15 Rostrevor OC University Oval
11 11/07/15 Portland University Oval
12 18/07/15 Henley Henley Memorial Oval
13 25/07/15 Salisbury North Salisbury North Oval
14 01/08/15 Payneham NU University Oval
15 08/08/15 Tea Tree Gully Pertaringa Oval
16 15/08/15 Goodwood Saints University Oval
17 22/08/15 Sacred Heart OC Sacred Heart Senior College
18 29/08/15 Port District University Oval











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