Copy
Use this area to offer a short preview of your email's content.
View this email in your browser
 

Have you ever had someone tell you "I don't like you," to your face?

I don't mean in kindergarten, but in your adult life.

I'm sure you are nodding yes.
Yeah, me too.
Being an adult doesn't take away the sting of being bullied by your peers.
Everyone wants to be liked by everyone and feel like they are a loveable and likeable person to all. It's just human nature.
Being bullied as an adult is unfortunately something that a lot of us don't talk about as much, because often when you think of "bullies" we think of children dealing with immature jerks in high school. Underdeveloped people still exist as adults, and can show up as a boss, coworker, family member, a stranger in a restaurant or even a "friend" in sheep's clothing. We often don't find support as adults being bullied, so I think it's high time to shed some light on it and offer the emotional support and encouragement that is lacking in this genre.

As promised, I am sharing a personal story today about dealing with adult bullies and if you relate and have your own story, please share and let me know that this E-blog resonated with you.


Let me be clear, this isn't about me playing the victim.

This is about me realizing that bullies target nice people, giving people, people who shine too bright. Bullies often target givers, highly sensitive people, earth angels, gentle souls and light seekers.


And with that, we can all realize that we aren't targeted because we are weak. We're targeted because we are so much stronger than those who bully us. Bullies bully because they want what they don't have. Usually that is our happiness, our positiveness, and our power. And if we are powerful, then bullies are truly powerless. As long as we don't allow them to steal our power.

If you have a minute, I want to tell you a story that I've been telling to my clients that actually happened to me this year.

Because of the painful nature of my story, I've lightened it up with a few funny memes to give you some visuals.

 

 

 

So back to my question....have you ever had someone tell you to your face they don't like you?

 

This exact thing happened to me (Me, the Highly Sensitive Person) and as it turns out it became a very important lesson to my personal self development.

 

 I had just returned from taking a 3 day assertiveness training seminar, and had no idea the universe was about to give me a BIG test to see if I was ready to practice what I was soon to be teaching.

 

I was out to dinner with two new acquaintances who I had been hanging out with for a few months while helping them market their business and developing what I thought to be a possible friendship. We were talking and having a nice dinner.

 

 At one point of the conversation, one of the girls, who was sitting next to me, was very quiet, so I asked her a question to include her in the conversation. I randomly asked her "what do you think?"

 

She answered off topic and said, " I. DON'T. LIKE. YOU," looking at me aggressively in the eyes.

 

 We were shoulder to shoulder sitting in the booth and she was sitting on the outside blocking me in. The way she  aggressively looked at me, I felt like it was the way a snake looks at its prey when said prey realizes they are  in danger and there is nowhere to hide. This was a definite control play and I believe that she had misjudged me to be a mouse.

 

What she learned was, I certainly am not.

I decided to take an assertive (adult approach) instead of chewing her out, ignoring her or fighting her like I think most people would. I'm not going to lie, I ran all of these scenarios in my head first tempted to do all of them.

 

What would you have done?

 

I met her gaze and asked her calmly, using my therapist voice, "Can you tell me why? Have I offended you or done something to wrong you?

 

 "No". she said." You're just annoying to me. You're like a rock. Boring. Useless. Serves no purpose. Immovable and and in the way."


Her choice of words were so odd, but this was no time to analyze.
 

I decided this was a bully I was dealing with, and there was only one assertive tactic I was going to use here. I sure as hell wasn't going to show her that it bothered me.

 

 "That really is too bad you feel that way. There really isn't anything I can do about that." I said in a controlled  understanding way almost like you would talk to a child who is acting out but knows better. I continued the conversation with the others without showing an ounce of hurt feelings of emotions (while quickly getting the check). "

 

 My plan then was to get out of there and never cross paths with this girl again.

 

 

 I realized that this girl WANTED me to get upset, perhaps she was even used to pouncing on people like this, saying the absolute worst thing that they would want to hear in hopes to trigger them.

 

 I was absolutely sure that my tactic response was the best because she seemed absolutely taken aback that I didn't cry, punch her, or engage in a verbal assault with her.

 

 I was given 100% confirmation that she was trying to control me or perhaps add me as a pawn to her collection, when she said before leaving, "I mean, perhaps if you CHANGE, we could be friends one day."

 

 

Saying in the most teacher-like voice I could, I told her:

 "No. I don't change for people. I think I'm fine exactly the way I am. And also, I don't have to be friends with everyone or make everyone like me. That's your problem, not mine. I know that I have been kind to you and I really can't help it if you have CHOSEN not to like me.  I don't have friends in my circle who tear me down or make me feel like crap or are rude to me. What you said was not appropriate and hurtful. So I don't think we can be friends. And that's too bad. Because I can be a great one."

 

Then I got in my car and left  as quickly as I could!

 

I admit, HECK YEAH IT HURT MY FEELINGS! And it bothered me. Of course it did.  Her metaphor of comparing me to a rock was so strange and I never did understand it.

 

But then, tonight,  I read this article about using your greatest defense against  a narcissist by "pretending to be a dull grey rock." (I'll post the article in full at the end of this email!)

 

 

And suddenly it dawned on me why she had compared me to a rock.

Psychopathic people love drama and are bored easily. They like to push people's buttons.

 

 And she couldn't figure me out. 

 

 She was right after all. For all purposes of her entertainment I WAS dull, boring and useless. I had nothing to give her, no narcissistic supply for her to cling to, and nothing for her to suck dry  like the emotional vampire she most likely was.  As someone who has had a past as a Narcissist/Psychopath magnet, I have done nearly a decade of research, therapy and personal development to weed out ANY beacons that might signal a NARC to prey on me again.

 

 After years of practice, I must have had a subconscious energetic  protective wall up naturally to prevent this.

 

 And this annoyed the CRAP out of her because she knew she wasn't getting through it! 

 

 This is when she threw in the grenade to stir things up and see what would happen. Sneak attack, manipulation, and gas lighting hadn't been working.

 

 Looking back at the dinner conversation, she was being extremely passive-aggressive before her outburst in hopes to get attention. When she got bored of that, BOOM. 

 

She most likely had expected, as most people might, that I would cry and then she would have fed me the line about being friends if I change. My subconscious defense mechanism of unknowingly acting "like a rock" peeved her off because she couldn't find my weak spot, so she just went for all out aggression. She most likely had been tapping for it, and when she couldn't find it misjudged me for "boring, dull and worthless." 

 

Yes meaningless and worthless TO HER and her purposes.

 

Also the word she had used was "immovable".

 

 Now it makes so much sense.

 

 She couldn't figure out how to move me from calm, stable, and peaceable. And this aggravated her to no end.  She had literally said I was "in the way." I was some kind of challenge and she didn't like being blocked from controlling me.

 

 I was SO glad I had chosen assertiveness rather than passivity or aggression to deal with her. It turns out this was the best thing I could have ever done.

 

One thing I have learned from studying human behavior, and a great lesson I have had to work on, is not taking everything personal. 

 

You see, hurt people, hurt people.

 

 The next time someone dumps some kind of negative garbage onto you out of the blue and you catch yourself thinking "where is this coming from?" You have a right to check in with your inner wisdom and ask yourself "is this my truth? Is what they saying really true with who I know I am?"

 

 If you come back with the answer that, no, you absolutely have not done ill will to this person for them to be cruel to you, then remember the law of the garbage truck.

 

"Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they look for a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you.
So when someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally."

 

 The way other people treat you has everything to do about who THEY are as a person and less to do with who you are.

 

 Adult bullies are unconsciously driven to find and attack whoever is closest because this helps them briefly feel less anxious and helpless themselves by feeling able to hurt others. Their targets can be anyone. It's not personal. It's about the bully, not about the target.

 

There are so many ways to interpret this. Looking inside the subconscious mind of an adult bully might look like:  I got hurt, so I'm going to hurt others. Pain is all I know, so what else can I give? I have so much pain, I have to get rid of it onto others. Others deserve to suffer because I did. I had no choice so why should anyone else? I don't want to be alone in my hurt. I need to share it.

 

I can guarantee you that a person who does this to others is depressed, has low self-esteem, and is insecure about their life and who they are.  But that doesn't give them the right to take it out on you. You have every right to assert yourself and establish boundaries and let them know that the behavior is NOT ok.  Every human being has the right to be respected and to not be treated in a harmful way. And that includes verbally.

 

Read more in this article about dealing with psychopaths and the practice of "acting like a grey rock."  So much retrospection and clarity came after reading it for me,  and I hope you are learning the lessons you need to prevent yourself from adult bullies, stalkers, psychopaths, and narcissists.

 

 

http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/ 

 

 

As always, keep seeking the light among the darkness. If you need help dealing with similar situations mentioned in this email, I am a mentor and teacher specializing in narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships, and a life coach strategist for living an authentic, happy, and purpose-driven life. I am also a teacher for introverts, self-esteem, confidence, and assertiveness trainings. Call me at any time for a free consultation if you would like a guide in this chapter of your life 512-820-0845. All sessions are by phone, Skype, or email.

Love and Gratitude,

 

Crystal Lynne

Career Counseling and Life Purpose Mentoring

www.coachingwithcrystallynne.com 

 

 

 

 

 

Coaching With Crystal Lynne 

www.coachingwithcrystallynne.com

coachingwithcrystallynne@gmail.com
Austin, TX
78722, Texas 78722 

EASILY BOOK ONLINE HERE
http://meetme.so/CrystalLynne
Copyright © 2014 Coaching From the Heart, All rights reserved.


unsubscribe from this list    update subscription preferences 

Email Marketing Powered by Mailchimp