I decided this was a bully I was dealing with, and there was only one assertive tactic I was going to use here. I sure as hell wasn't going to show her that it bothered me.
"That really is too bad you feel that way. There really isn't anything I can do about that." I said in a controlled understanding way almost like you would talk to a child who is acting out but knows better. I continued the conversation with the others without showing an ounce of hurt feelings of emotions (while quickly getting the check). "
My plan then was to get out of there and never cross paths with this girl again.
I realized that this girl WANTED me to get upset, perhaps she was even used to pouncing on people like this, saying the absolute worst thing that they would want to hear in hopes to trigger them.
I was absolutely sure that my tactic response was the best because she seemed absolutely taken aback that I didn't cry, punch her, or engage in a verbal assault with her.
I was given 100% confirmation that she was trying to control me or perhaps add me as a pawn to her collection, when she said before leaving, "I mean, perhaps if you CHANGE, we could be friends one day."
Saying in the most teacher-like voice I could, I told her:
"No. I don't change for people. I think I'm fine exactly the way I am. And also, I don't have to be friends with everyone or make everyone like me. That's your problem, not mine. I know that I have been kind to you and I really can't help it if you have CHOSEN not to like me. I don't have friends in my circle who tear me down or make me feel like crap or are rude to me. What you said was not appropriate and hurtful. So I don't think we can be friends. And that's too bad. Because I can be a great one."
Then I got in my car and left as quickly as I could!
I admit, HECK YEAH IT HURT MY FEELINGS! And it bothered me. Of course it did. Her metaphor of comparing me to a rock was so strange and I never did understand it.
But then, tonight, I read this article about using your greatest defense against a narcissist by "pretending to be a dull grey rock." (I'll post the article in full at the end of this email!)
And suddenly it dawned on me why she had compared me to a rock.
Psychopathic people love drama and are bored easily. They like to push people's buttons.
And she couldn't figure me out.
She was right after all. For all purposes of her entertainment I WAS dull, boring and useless. I had nothing to give her, no narcissistic supply for her to cling to, and nothing for her to suck dry like the emotional vampire she most likely was. As someone who has had a past as a Narcissist/Psychopath magnet, I have done nearly a decade of research, therapy and personal development to weed out ANY beacons that might signal a NARC to prey on me again.
After years of practice, I must have had a subconscious energetic protective wall up naturally to prevent this.
And this annoyed the CRAP out of her because she knew she wasn't getting through it!
This is when she threw in the grenade to stir things up and see what would happen. Sneak attack, manipulation, and gas lighting hadn't been working.
Looking back at the dinner conversation, she was being extremely passive-aggressive before her outburst in hopes to get attention. When she got bored of that, BOOM.
She most likely had expected, as most people might, that I would cry and then she would have fed me the line about being friends if I change. My subconscious defense mechanism of unknowingly acting "like a rock" peeved her off because she couldn't find my weak spot, so she just went for all out aggression. She most likely had been tapping for it, and when she couldn't find it misjudged me for "boring, dull and worthless."
Yes meaningless and worthless TO HER and her purposes.
Also the word she had used was "immovable".
Now it makes so much sense.
She couldn't figure out how to move me from calm, stable, and peaceable. And this aggravated her to no end. She had literally said I was "in the way." I was some kind of challenge and she didn't like being blocked from controlling me.
I was SO glad I had chosen assertiveness rather than passivity or aggression to deal with her. It turns out this was the best thing I could have ever done.
One thing I have learned from studying human behavior, and a great lesson I have had to work on, is not taking everything personal.
You see, hurt people, hurt people.
The next time someone dumps some kind of negative garbage onto you out of the blue and you catch yourself thinking "where is this coming from?" You have a right to check in with your inner wisdom and ask yourself "is this my truth? Is what they saying really true with who I know I am?"
If you come back with the answer that, no, you absolutely have not done ill will to this person for them to be cruel to you, then remember the law of the garbage truck.
"Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they look for a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you.
So when someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally."
The way other people treat you has everything to do about who THEY are as a person and less to do with who you are.
Adult bullies are unconsciously driven to find and attack whoever is closest because this helps them briefly feel less anxious and helpless themselves by feeling able to hurt others. Their targets can be anyone. It's not personal. It's about the bully, not about the target.
There are so many ways to interpret this. Looking inside the subconscious mind of an adult bully might look like: I got hurt, so I'm going to hurt others. Pain is all I know, so what else can I give? I have so much pain, I have to get rid of it onto others. Others deserve to suffer because I did. I had no choice so why should anyone else? I don't want to be alone in my hurt. I need to share it.
I can guarantee you that a person who does this to others is depressed, has low self-esteem, and is insecure about their life and who they are. But that doesn't give them the right to take it out on you. You have every right to assert yourself and establish boundaries and let them know that the behavior is NOT ok. Every human being has the right to be respected and to not be treated in a harmful way. And that includes verbally.
Read more in this article about dealing with psychopaths and the practice of "acting like a grey rock." So much retrospection and clarity came after reading it for me, and I hope you are learning the lessons you need to prevent yourself from adult bullies, stalkers, psychopaths, and narcissists.
As always, keep seeking the light among the darkness. If you need help dealing with similar situations mentioned in this email, I am a mentor and teacher specializing in narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships, and a life coach strategist for living an authentic, happy, and purpose-driven life. I am also a teacher for introverts, self-esteem, confidence, and assertiveness trainings. Call me at any time for a free consultation if you would like a guide in this chapter of your life 512-820-0845. All sessions are by phone, Skype, or email.
Love and Gratitude,
Career Counseling and Life Purpose Mentoring