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hello banana heads.

the last newsletter i sent was in january, and all i sent was a time lapse gif of my then-new color changing electric kettle. it was a p dark time for me, q1 of 2019: i got sicker, then i got kinda better, then i got sicker again – life is truly a highway! but i feel myself becoming more alive as that kettle is starting to die (that color changing gimmick wasn't worth it imho), so it's time to say hi and give an update!!

here's v quick rundown of what i can (off the top of my head) remember having been up to before i start getting angry about alcohol further down this email:

ok here is the part where i get angry about alcohol, so feel free to stop scrolling if you're not into content about how quitting drinking is hard.
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...ok you asked...
 

so i quit drinking over three months ago

it was for a number of reasons, but mostly just to see if i can? and i knew i could, but this is a weird exercise that one does when they grow up as the only non-alcoholic in their family. like, i want to drink and get high but also wonder when it's "my time" to be addicted like everyone i grew up around was or became at some point. i know i'm not the only one that does this because i grew up going to alateen and al-anon and have talked to many others who too have gone through "recovery" of being a friend or family member of those struggling with addiction.

here's what really grinds my gears about quitting drinking, though - it's still really hard, even in 2019!! everyone wants to know WHY you aren't drinking, conference after parties STILL only have water as a non-alcoholic drink (water is necessary but it also fucking sucks), also i'm in my mid-30s and have a chronic illness so i wake up feeling hungover ANYWAY!! it's a total rip-off and for what - to feel GOOD about myself? i'm an american woman no longer in her 20s, am i even ALLOWED to feel good about myself? is that LEGAL????????

anyway, i guess i should feel good about sticking to some arbitrary streak with little reward and no deadline for over three months, it truly does feed my adhd and i think that's the only reason why i'm staying "dry." also waking up and remembering what i did the night before and it not including "throwing up on a new pair of adidas" is "nice".

in conclusion, getting hotter and smarter comes with its consequences and mine is having to call soda a "mocktail." i'll take it!!

xoxo j$
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