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                    February 21, 2015                  "Ask Starla" Time for Love Issue
                               
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Welcome to "Ask Starla"

A column filled with some sweet "Southern Drawl" between Starla and her readers. If you have a question or topic for discussion, write to Starla and your question may be featured in the weekly discussion. So pull up a chair or sit back in the porch swing for a bit and enjoy some southern conversation and hospitality!
 

A word from your host...

Hello Dahhlins'!  I had announced that there would a special "love issue" this month.  After considering the "timing" of the issue,  I purposely waited until after Valentine’s Day to post this because it is a tough day for singles and not the best time to be reminded of being alone or of hearing what is right or wrong about one’s dating habits and situation.  So now that the day is over and it is a week already into the start of a new “love year” for next Valentine’s Day, I wanted to share a very special letter I received from a southern gent.  It was an insightful experience for me!  Thanks to each of you who write in and who read the column.  It makes this southern belle’s day to hear from you.
 
Keep writing in with your questions and topics for discussion.  Rest assured that even if your question is not featured in the column, I will personally respond to each of you and keep your questions on file for consideration for future columns.
 
Thanks so much for your support!

Love y'all,      
Starla       

  
Here is this month's featured question.  It was a doozie, very unexpected and such fun to answer!

Frustrated Southern Gentleman writes....

Dear Starla:
 
How come I constantly hear and see posted that there are no good men around.  I am a good guy, I work a steady job, I own my own home, I have a good personality and I am not bad to look at so I’ve been told.  Yet women seem to lose interest after a couple of dates.  When I pick them up for a date I am on time, I am well-dressed; I tell them how pretty they look.  I take them out for a good dinner.  Yet I always end up "friend-zoned."  What am I doing wrong?  It’s frustrating because I see all these jerks having women chasing after them, trying to get their attention, but at the same time hear the women complaining “there’s no good men out there.”  I am getting mixed messages. 

Frustrated Southern Gentleman

Dear Frustrated Southern Gentleman:
 
I simply love your question darlin’!  It is one that I wish every man would ask.  Let’s take a moment to break down your question.
 
First, you said you constantly hear and see posted on social media that “there are no good men out there.” Obviously we know that isn’t quite true, since you are one.  I’ll take your word for it, since we haven’t met, but let’s just say you sound mighty fine on paper!  So it isn’t that there are no good men, it’s just that either the good men or the good women are looking in the wrong places and never finding each other; which leads me to the “looking” part of the equation.  I was raised in the South as you know and as a southern belle we were raised not to “chase a man” but to let him court us.  Why the good book itself says that “he that finds a wife finds a good thing!”  A deer doesn’t chase the hunter, but the hunter the deer.  So let me answer this portion of your question with a question.  Where are you looking?  You wouldn’t find a deer sitting in a deer stand pointing a gun down at the hunter would you?  Yet that is exactly the way it sounds concerning some of your interaction with women on social media like Facebook.  Social media is fine and dandy, but if a woman is so insecure, difficult and jaded about men so that she has to post her despair and disdain on social media, then I am thinking she really isn’t worth your time as a GOOD man.  Once you get past looking at her pretty face, close your eyes and listen to what she is saying about there being “no good men.”  The truth is, a good woman should attract good men like flies.  This is true of those with beautiful faces and shapely bodies but also true of the average woman.  A good woman who feels good about herself will attract good men.  We’ve all seen what society would deem as an “average looking woman” with a “movie star” hunk of a man by her side and scratched our heads as to how those two got together.  The better a woman feels about herself, the more the men will notice.  Beauty and southern charm go so much deeper than a pretty face!  So my dear, if a woman is coming across as condescending about men on a public forum, then you need to keep looking.  This belle is not for you or any other good man! 
 
Secondly, as to your comments about your personal traits and qualities; it sounds like you have so many of the qualities that every woman wants, needs and loves.  Yet you stated that after just a few dates, they lose interest.  There is so much more to the equation than doing all the right things.  Why my Daddy did all the right things and so did my brother as far as how to treat a girl.  Daddy provided for me, protected me, treated me like a princess and dared my brother to fight with me or hit me.  I was a girl. and due respect by virtue of my softer nature.  I remember once when my brother and I got in a tussle over what program to watch on TV.  Before I knew it, my little brother reared back and punched me in the stomach.  I thought he was facing his last day on earth at that point!  I heard the “swoosh” of Daddy’s belt through his belt loops and that was all she wrote of my brother’s backside that day!  My brother became well schooled on how to treat a belle by the time he was grown.  Since he was only 2 years younger than I, we had many of the same friends and playmates so I enjoyed growing up with all of my extended “brothers” as well.  I had more male friends growing up than I did female.  My brother and his friends and also my sweet daddy had hilarious senses of humor and they were always such fun and made me laugh.  They were a hoot for sure!
 
The reason I am telling you this is because while you have so much to offer, a good woman wants, desires and yes even craves a bit more than what she already has; what is normal and “expected.”  You see, when a man treats a woman well, can provide for and protect her then that is simply part of a role that a man has with a woman and is the expected role.  Now don’t get me wrong.  She respects and loves all those qualities in a man, just as she loves them in her daddy, brother and male friends.  For a woman though, it doesn’t stand out as anything more than what a man does or at least a good man.  Given that, of course a woman will lose interest after a few dates if she gets what she’s always had with the men in her life from childhood until now.  This explains why many women lose all sense of pride and dignity when swooning over those wild “Rhett Butler” type mavericks.  Yes the ones that are often jerks.  While that type of man may not have all the qualities that a women deeply wants and needs in a good man; that man has a swagger about him that offers something aside from the normal and expected, and it isn’t just the handsome ones either.  This is why men shake their heads when they see what they consider a “hot southern mess” with an average looking guy.  That guy obviously has “swagger.”  I imagine he is a “good guy” that does all those things you stated, but he takes it up a notch with mystery, confidence, romance and swoops in not just as her admirer and fan, or her knight in shining armor, but her “hero.”  He has a way of making a woman feel like a woman.  She becomes the one woman that “Superman” has won over!  If a man behaves like her daddy, brother or friend by doing all those good things without also challenging her to be the best woman she can be; then of course she puts him in the “friend zone!”  Or rather, he puts himself there.  We all want to be accepted for who we are, but at the same time in all of our relationships – not just romantic ones, we want to be challenged.  It keeps us on our toes to be or become the best we can be.  No one truly respects a pushover in a male or a female!  Southern belles love men who are strong in their convictions of who they are, what they stand for and believe in; men who love what they do and know they do it well and who are true to their word.  If a man just constantly tells a woman she is beautiful for the sake of saying it, then that speaks of weakness and insincerity.  A woman is not so naïve as to think she looks (or acts) lovely all the time.  I fully know when I am a mess!  What means more to me personally is when the man that I love says, “you are a mess today, but still beautiful to me” or “you are ill as a hornet today, but I love you!”  And then makes it all okay by knowing when to be quiet and get out of my way, or knowing when I want him not to be afraid to come just a bit closer. 
 
Finally I want to complete my answers to you in the form of a last question.  There are plenty of good women out there also, so why is it that men often go for the “not so good” girls?  If a good man isn’t all about “looks” but truly wants a good woman, then something in him needs to look a little deeper than the package she comes in.  This is why I stated what I did in the beginning about looking at certain women on social media and their “man bashing” ways and becoming frustrated.  These women are lacking the very things you are looking for in a long-term or lifetime partner.  So in asking me why the good women pass up good men for the “jerks,” ask yourself why good men don’t always recognize who the good women are.  Stop “looking” and start truly “seeing!”   Perhaps you aren’t the only one getting mixed signals.  Think about how you might be giving mixed signals as well.
 
Thanks darlin’ for writing in.  This one was a doozie for sure!  I wish you much success in your “hunt." 

 
Starla
 
If you enjoy reading Starla's advice through her column, we know you will enjoy her books as well.  Take a moment to order yours today!  For a limited time, her new book "Southern Whispers" is available as a pre-release special.  From now until publication, "Southern Whispers" can be ordered at the 25% early bird customer discount of only $8.75!  Click on the bookstore icon above and take advantage of this loyalty discount today! 
Happy reading y'all!!
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